Heroes Aren't Born by John B Etterlee - Action. Adventure - Nathan, a Soldier who was born to serve, discovers leading Soldiers in war time sometimes requires great sacrifice. He must go above and beyond to bring his people home alive. 97 pages - pdf, format
New writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted by: eldave1, November 20th, 2017, 9:29pm; Reply: 1
John - a few issue from the start.
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SERGEANT NATHAN ATKINS, late twenties, is lying in a hospital bed, with his head half bandaged, and his right leg missing. He is barely conscious.
IMO - scripts read better in active voice - you can lose all the is" and the ing words and it will pop more. e.g., the above could be:
SERGEANT NATHAN ATKINS, late twenties, lies in a hospital bed, his head half bandaged, and right leg missing. He's barely conscious.
Another example:
Quoted Text
Doctor's and nurses are running around the tiny hospital...
Doctor's and nurses run around the tiny hospital...
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A man who is very familiar to Sergeant Atkins walks up to his bedside.
This is unfilmable. i.e, a man familiar. You need to establish this by action or dialogue.
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STEVEN You'll be alright buddy. You hang in there! You hear?
need comma before buddy.
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DOCTOR Sorry son. You're going to have to leave. We don't have the room. Steven glances over at the doct
r.
need comma before son.
You have this error throughout. Generally, you need a comma before the noun, pronoun. e.g.,