Fraction by Mahyar Rasi - Action, Adventure, Sci Fi - A psychic who predicts the future for Miami's crime families must capture a ruthless killer and hand them over to the city's most powerful mobster or pay with his life. 108 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

On the opening I recommend:

BLACK SCREEN:

The  quote.

FADE IN:

No need to underline the SCENE HEADINGS.

"discreetly conduct a quick weapons and ammo check outside the bar." Tell me exactly what I will see on the screen. What's going on? An inventory, serial number recording, counting ammo, etc. What exactly am I suppose to see!

"The goons conceal their guns" How? Where? What am I suppose to exactly see?  Wouldn't something like - "The goons holster the guns inside their jackets." - be more consice?

INT. BAR & GRILL

Poorly lit during the day implies properly lit at night.  Just say it's poorly lit.

"A TV mounted over the bar." brings more than one picture to my mind.  Is it mounted on the wall? Hanging from the ceiling?  

Drop many of the "ings" from the words.

I think I've covered enough so you can see where I'm coming from.  I recommend a rewrite to turn many sentences into concise statements.

I can see that you have a STORY developing.  A rewrite will improve it tremendously.

Good luck to you.

Hey Mahyar,

just read into the script…

Solid action title

A generally good logline for my taste. You possibly could strengthen the psychic angle with a clear explanation of HOW he does so; for deeply attracting readers to check it; because that's your originality part in there as far as I see it…

Minor stuff on first two: You're too much into presenting subordinate clauses and additions as full sentences. I'm all in for staccato but you truly do this a lot. It hurts the flow for me.

Once I got familiar with your style then, p3, p4, it's much easier to read. Quick presented, super-clean and I like the whole introduction of the story so far.

Cool imagery throughout. Good presented mystery. Nice stereotypic badass protagonist. I like that.

Lots of VOs though… not sure about it thus far, possibly could be trimmed.


CONDO COMPLEX scene… oh wow, first I thought he just made a crazy invention re SHAI but now I see we're really a lot into the future… with having a flying truck. A bit of a tonal shift since there was so much "visually" familiar: diner, Ferrari, surfing, sex with prostitute so that I saw the oracle as full exception within this world. A little reshaping with establishing some other futuristic items earlier could help.

Otherwise: Shit this is completely cool stuff going on.

((sidenote 15 years old combined with the words extremely hot is a gray area I wouldn't go… just my personal opinion… don't risk to get the wrong reader who disagrees with such phrasing when it gets to adolescents))

INT. BAR & GRILL ->> MOMENTS LATER ??? huh, how quick did they get there

Okay, I only read first ten when I don't know if the writer is around.

What I read so far is very cool. You only haven't set up the dramatic situation yet, so, probably a little late on this but still – this is exciting material for me.

Very good so far.