Miss Yemmie by Hollis Brown - Short, Drama - The Soviet Union's plan to restart its failed Sputnik Program prompts the United States to build a new space center at the remote home of an aging prostitute. 11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Ahhh, how nice. I’m a little unsure about how I feel about the story, but it’s a nice warm, happy ending. Dialogue in the beginning seems like it is in a rut, not bad but stuck in this place where it is too generic.

Yemmie is your strong point here, so that’s good. If you could bring that sort of depth to all your characters it’d help the rest of the script move along.

I won’t bother with hee-hawing over the plot, but the story doesn’t have a lot of power. It’s nice, but I don’t think it has potential for more than that.

Good job on the tough fight to submit.

Wow this one had it all! Thought it was a straight comedy for a sec. Loved the first half of the script. The way you had the chars talk and act was really indicative of the time and era. It was interesting too, learning about the space history stuff.

When we jumped to Miss Yemmie - the log mentions her and the title so we know there's gonna be kind of old pro in there lol - I started skimming. The story meandered a bit as I had invested so much interest in this town and its denizens. Some unsettling bits near the end but it sort of resolved ok and I was ok with the final line.

Very well written but was almost two scripts mixed into one as the Yemmie parts didn't really reflect the other issue for the town. Also the event changing wasn't a huge impact for other events but thats cool.

Great effort!

Interesting little tale. Is there a Machipongo? I'll have to check that out.

Meets the challenge, I think. Sputnik failed but did it really change our (NASA) space race ambitions? Or did it just change the name of the space center?

The story was written well enough. I think it could have been condensed a bit but it still kept me reading until the end. Great job getting this completed and submitted in two weeks.

Writing these notes as I read.

NASA setting up headquarters in the house of an aging hooker is a great logline to perk my interest! The logline also covers the timeline change nicely so I’m all setup and ready to read this.

The first few pages are all exposition and didn’t perk my interest though. It’s written in a bit too much detail for my personal tastes. We have guys sipping coffee, reading papers, a guy with a  pencil in his ear fidgeting in a chair and watching Baxter, the chief enters the room, takes his coat off, sits down and the rounds it off with the patting down of tossled black hair.  They then talk a lot in a manner which seems more for the audience's benefit.  

All of this combined makes for a substantial amount of screen time about a bunch of ordinary  guys discussing proposed development plans. I’d cut to the chase earlier or make this more entertaining if possible.

Page 5 and we finally get to the aging hooker. For some reason this excites me. Hughes  lowering his earflaps doesn’t excite me though :-(

These descriptions would seem more at home in a novel.

Did Miss Yemmie really have a baby with President Kennedy and kill it by putting it on the stove to keep him warm? That’s…weird!

Hmmm, and this revelation saves the whorehouse and the space centre is built elsewhere.
Well I’m not sure what I was expected but it certainly wasn’t that. I'm not really sure what I think of this. An interesting premise. Miss Yemmie is interesting. I'd have started with the guy visiting her house and have the conversation cover NASA'a plans. Maybe come up with a different tragic end for little Jimmy, one not so strangely comical.  

I have to say and I'm going to say this for every script in this challenge (so I'm basically cut and pasting this last bit into all of them lol) that well done on entering! This was creatively an extremely challenging outline, one in which quite a few didn't even attempt or dropped out of. To have a completed script in the running deserves a pat on the back and a collective high-five!

-Mark

This is a problem I've noticed that often comes up in shorts. There isn't much conflict. And 4 pages in I don't see any here yet. NASA is looking to build a space center on a small fishing town that may disrupt their way of life. It's a problem I guess but for the characters it's not much of a conflict. Now if one of them owned a fishing boat/company that will be damaged by the center that's better story wise. Also, this isn't the most interesting subject for a story no offense. I'm not saying we're on the level of watching paint dry here, but it isn't far off.

Also, would NASA leave the space center's creation up to a town vote?

The logline made this seem like a comedy but it's not super funny. It seems to be written straight. Very chatty. Cause thee's isn't much to do.

So Yemmie is a hooker who lives on an island in the way of the new space center? And?????

I don't get it. The script is very well written but the plot is absent. It seems like there's some kind of connection between Yemmie and JFK and the space port is a way to erase an old affair? Maybe? It's too vague as is.

I don't see who this is supposed to appeal to. Maybe it went completely over my head but I think for an absurd
idea like this to work you need to be over the top and make it completely ridiculous. Pass.

I don't like the title or the logline, but I'll go in with an open mind.

Opening page is very well written and you know I don't say that very often.  Scene is set well and the visuals are excellent - wish there were more writers like this.

Dialogue is also well written and sounds very natural and real.  Well done!

Writing is very impressive, as is the way this is all set up.  Only issue I see are your Slugs, which are as little too detailed, but small complaint.

Wow...excellent...simply excellent IMO.  Finally, a script in this 2WC that is character based, easy to follow, extremely well written and actually quite touching.

Whoever wrote this should be very proud, as this is truly outstanding work for 2 weeks.

You have her as Miss Lemmie twice.

Wow, what a story. One thing I know - I would never be able to pull out something like this. She had a baby with Kennedy, right? Then she fried him?
And it's written so well that it makes great sense. Makes me think you can write anything, any crazy totally unbelievable idea - you can easily write it! Kennedy went for a mad woman. I mean she's mad wasn't she? Or maybe she got mad later when Jack left her.

Anyway this made me feel things and think... This is simply great.

I'm torn.  Very moving story.  Don't care much for the topic.  Thought the idea of the
SPOILEERS
WHORE HOUSE was odd.  I can't imagine it'd play such a big role...

But, it was very moving.  

Good job on a really tough subject and the 2WC.

Dan

Title should be ALL CAPS.

"By" doesn't necessarily need to be capitalized.

Orphan on the first page. Don't overuse these.

Quoted Text The mayor holds up [a] document

A-S-A-P or A-sap?

Quoted Text Why the hurry, if I may ask[?]

Quoted Text Kennedy found out the Soviets are trying yet again to launch their Sputnik satellite. He believes they’ll succeed this time.

Reads a little clunky. I'd tighten it up a bit.

Quoted Text WALSTON Old Sputternik.

I love this! :D

Quoted Text we best get out of the god-damned way.

You don't really need the hyphen.

Quoted Text The mayor raps his papers on the table top.

I didn't know they had rap in 1961. ??) Is this the changed event? Buddy Holly's plane didn't crash and somehow rap became popular in the 60s?  ;D Did you mean "wrap" instead? Either way, can't imagine (with a straight face) a mayor rapping.

Aging?? 48?? This must be before "cougars" and MILFs and all that stuff that the "cool kids" are doing nowadays. How old is that "Stacy's Mom" song?

Quoted Text She makes a spitting sound.

Practicing her beatboxing for the mayor's next rap?  ;D

Quoted Text She seems [to] be gathering herself.

End of p9 Didn't see that coming, Wow.

Quoted Text a small black-and-white television

Weren't all TVs black and white back then? Color TV didn't become popular until 1965.

Quoted Text This is the CBS Evening News with Douglas Edwards.

Anachronism. It was CBS Television News until 1963, but we're already fucking with history, so who cares?

Wow. Great story. Not too many major issues. This challenge certainly wasn't the easiest for most people, so you deserve a pat on the back.

I had a fundamental problem with this from the start: The idea that in a space race, the US Government would decide to build a whole space base from scratch.

Pretty much a guaranteed way to lose a race, I'd say!


I thought the dialogue, though trying my patience at times, was far more polished than other entries I've read.

Overall, I found the story more than a little silly, I'm afraid to say. It seems it's found a fan-base, so that's good.

I think you can cut down that meeting room scene a bit. Find some way to get into the scene later. Maybe the first line is Hughes or Walston angrily expressing their reservations. And you fill in exposition as you go while the argument continues.

I liked the stuff with Miss Yemmie, her dialogue, it was going good until that ending. I really think the ending sends this thing completely off the rails. I guess it was olden days and it's a rural, isolated area so maybe she wouldn't call a Doctor. And maybe she would heat a baby on a stove? But to keep the babies skeletal remains in a closet she would have to be deranged. I thought it had turned into a horror movie.

Why not just have the body be buried and she says "You tell those bastards if they want to dig up my house they'll have to start with Joe's son."

Final note, I think there's something interesting here with government and its grand ambitions colliding with a small town with no ambitions just struggling to survive. But the Miss Yemmie stuff veers off in such an odd direction I never got a feel for any overarching theme to any of it. Something to consider.

Solid effort for a week. You definitely did your research and the writing is sound.

Hi,

P1 descriptions of places and characters are top

P2 yeah, Walston's dialogue at bottom is the problem; who would enjoy watching those construction feeding elements… I mean, the whole scenario… context is absurd

P6 descriptions still great, good atmosphere through detail

Around page break 8/9 I'm not completely sure if I get it right, reread it several times, but, do you hint at that one of the Kennedy's had an "affair"/was a "client" of Yemmie with a baby resulting from it? If so, bring it across clearer and not that obscure. It's more effective when understood directly I believe, to get a wow-effect. <- I see, there is/was a baby in fact.

Yeah, the preconditions hurt you.

The overall craft is very sharp, distinctive, and throughout qualified.

I like both main characters too. It's a pity that writers like you had to work in that senseless corset this time.

Well done.

Great descriptions and solid dialogue. Plus, the story flows well. Blackmailing the president to choose another location for the launch facility and name it after the dead baby is a nice touch, but she killed the baby in the first place!

If you’re going to work on this further, I would definitely reconsider changing the baby’s death to natural causes.

Just from the log, I'm eagerly anticipating the content. Yemmie or Lemmie, make up your mind. Nice little story. It made me feel something and gave me a little shiver at the end. Nice job.

Hey Writer,

Now then. I've read the other reviews, and to be honest I'm surprised.

Maybe it's because it's late and I'm tired, maybe it's because I've just got a different opinion to everyone, but I didn't really get all the emotion that the rest of the reviewers are finding.

The structure is solid, the writing smooth and I can't really fault the technique at all so that's a big tick. So it just needs to fulfil the parameters of the challenge and envelope me in the tale presented. I wasn't aware of all the back history here, so that was a fun wee read in that sense, and yeh I get where you went with it and that's clever.

It just never managed to drag the feelings out of me, and it never nailed the emotions that it was trying to put across. They seemed like tickles, when given the subject matter they should be leaving a scar.

All this being said, you should be bloody proud of this effort as it is well crafted. Perhaps I'm just being critical because you've absolutely nailed all the writing, and it just didn't leave that imprint on me that I'm sure this writer is capable of.

Everyone else loved it though so even if I was to suggest a re-write, I'd possibly just accept everyone else's judgement on this one.

Well Done

Cam

P.S. Slade was playing in the background for a large part of this, maybe something more emotional than Cum on Feel the Noize would have helped, might try a re-read with some Cohen or something

“I’m not crying, dammit. I’m wet mad, that’s all.” Nice line.

Now, this is a curious and engaging tale. Whenever you want to talk about a big event, find a low angle to make it interesting. That seems to have happened here. Truly strange and real-seeming people. It’s even got a baby skeleton in it. Hardcore.

Rushing through my last few reviews, as I think today is voting day and I’m running late. But I could happily have spent more time with this one.

This is definitely my favourite of the ones I’ve read so far. A smartly written character piece with polished dialogue (“I’m not crying, dammit. I’m wet mad, that’s all.” was a particular highlight).

This was clearly well researched, and you also managed to make it poignant as well.

The only qualm I had was with how the baby died - something about it just didn’t seem logical. Her just waking to find the baby dead in it’s crib one morning would feel more believable and tragic.

That aside though, this was excellent work in such a short time frame. Well done.

Quoted from SteveUK   The only qualm I had was with how the baby died - something about it just didn’t seem logical. Her just waking to find the baby dead in it’s crib one morning would feel more believable and tragic.

I agree completely!!

Writer,

I’ve read like five or so. Didn’t enter this time. But, for my money, this is the best of the crop right here. It’s an intriguingly original story, tautly written and never overstays it’s welcome. So many of these OWC’s don’t translate well outside of the OWC, and I think this might be one of those. But within the parameters of this challenge, this is definitely the best I’ve read so far. Excellent job, writer!

Steve

She said she put the baby on a stove and it died. That's how I remember it.

Just discussing a bit: re the baby, I buy it, and interpreted it as something was wrong with the fireplace, like, it wasn't sealed properly, so the baby couldn't breathe.

Quoted from PrussianMosby Just discussing a bit: re the baby, I buy it, and interpreted it as something was wrong with the fireplace, like, it wasn't sealed properly, so the baby couldn't breathe.

Miss Yemmie says she put the baby 'on the stove' not 'in the fireplace.'

Regardless of which way you interpret it, putting a baby on a stove or in a fireplace is never a good idea and this really threw me off this script, well that and the fact that it's just talking and two locations, no action. But if the baby issue is altered slightly, died of a fever or something, it wouldn't seem so strange.

Yeah, sure, she put it on the stove. But how does a stove look like in 1960's on that island? I at least didn't think that she has gas supply or electricity there, ergo fire. She might have put it beside the flue, where there's some waste heat, just not seeing her putting the baby on a stove plate in fact. That's stupid.

She said she was young, I think. And that the baby was always cold. I took it as the baby probably would’ve died regardless. I had no issues with it. My take.

Quoted from SAC She said she was young, I think. And that the baby was always cold. I took it as the baby probably would’ve died regardless. I had no issues with it. My take.

Mine too.

Thanks to all who commented, especially those who had some appreciation for the script.
One thing I should address is the baby on the wood stove. Miss Yemmie didn't explain it that well. The stove was only warm, and the baby was wrapped in blankets. She was alone, young, and desperate to save her child. The fact is, as some of you surmised, the baby likely would have died anyway.
The background for the story:
JFK had taken office only weeks before the story begins. In reality, he would not make his "we will go to the moon" speech for several months. In this story, given the Soviet Union's Sputnik failures, Kennedy wants to pull out all the stops to stay ahead in the Space Race.
The U.S. Government DID consider several sites for its new Space Center but eventually settled on Merritt Island adjacent to Cape Canaveral. The potential sites named in the script are accurate --except for Machipongo Island, which actually would have fit the bill quite well.

Henry

Henry,
    I really enjoyed this one.  I had this rated as my number 1 script.  Great job.  I thought you really captured Miss Yemmie so well.  I could envision her and i felt for her.  

So, you achieved what every writer wants to achieve.  I cared and I felt badly.

Dan

Quoted from DanC Henry, So, you achieved what every writer wants to achieve.  I cared and I felt badly. Dan

Thank you, Dan. That IS what I wanted -- that is, to make Miss Yemmie the story (not the alternate history) and elicit some emotion from people watching the film.

Also, I appreciate your explanation of your own film and what you were trying to do. So many commenters react to scripts from one vantage point only -- words on a page -- without considering the subtle things in a script that could/should be conveyed on screen
and/or by (competent) actors.

P.S. Interesting what you said about Russia & the AK-47s.

Regards,
Henry