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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  January 2018 Two Week Challenge  /  The Broken Kingdom - 2WC
Posted by: Don, January 27th, 2018, 10:07am
The Broken Kingdom by Mark Renshaw (MarkRenshaw) writing as Some Guy - Short, Fantasy, Historical - In an alternate timeline in which Guy Fawkes blew up parliament and overthrew the English monarchy, on its anniversary half a century later, a French-American businessman finds himself on the run with Scottish Freedom Fighters after he inadvertently commits an act of heresy. 14 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: Talldave, January 27th, 2018, 3:53pm; Reply: 1
Oh boy, oh boy oh boy oh boy, oh boy.

I can’t believe comedy wasn’t included in your genre list, not that I died laughing, but because I found myself reading this in a comical tone.

It seems like there is a lot of personal taste in this script, so I’ll try to just stick to the feel of the script as a whole instead of breaking it down bit by bit.

It was a bit slapstick. It was fast. I personally enjoyed it, but not as a serious piece, as a cheap laughs comedy. Make a good cartoon I think.

Good job on making it this far!
Posted by: DanC, January 28th, 2018, 1:42am; Reply: 2
I agree with HeyDAddystudios.  It was odd.  Funny, but, odd.

My biggest issue is the lack of suspension of disbelief.  If he's gonna go there, you'd think he'd do his research, especially with how oppressive the regime is.

SPOILERS

The dialog seemed funny.  But, we don't know why he went there, what the purpose was, or why the Scottish would even spy, much less help him.

I guess I didn't get the why.  I wonder if this is gonna be a consistent issue.  The reason for the story none of us, save the reader, will know.  

Perhaps we should have a section to explain what is different and why it's different.

I thought the opening dragged a bit too long.  

The story is very ambitious.  More so than mine, that's for sure.

Good luck and good job entering.  

Dan
Posted by: JEStaats, January 28th, 2018, 3:22pm; Reply: 3
Guy Fawkes succeeding? Cool! Let's see where this goes... Ugh, the French take care of the colonies? Time to move.

A few missing commas and some abbreviations that should be spelled out (Mr. v. Mister).

Heh heh. This IS funny. Okay, loved this. Fix the the errors and mind those blasted rules, otherwise a great read. Great imagination you have. Kudos.
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), January 28th, 2018, 4:29pm; Reply: 4
Lots of little issues on page 1, not capping words (French), misspellings, awkward writing.

I'm not privy to Guy Fawkes or most likely anything this script is about, so I'm struggling early on for sure.

Page 2 - "An imposing empirical stone building. Felix clambers out of the taxi. He hands over several crumpled ten pound notes to the cabbie." - I often bring up such issues about breaking up passages properly - this is a great example, as it's really 3 separate throughts/shots and should be separated accordingly.

Lots of passive phrasing throughout.  Also, lots of slang I don't understand, not being from this neck of the woods.

In dialogue, any name or phrase used as a name MUST be set off with a comma or commas.

"passed" - "past" - at least 3 offenses so far.

OK, lots and lots of dialect I personally can't relate to, but kudos if it makes sense as written. I also don't understand the history or story, but overall, it's well done and ballsy, which I have to appreciate.
Posted by: MarkRenshaw, January 29th, 2018, 7:35am; Reply: 5
Ah Guy Fawkes, another script from a fellow Brit I suspect!

I remember as a kid going out a night with a stuffed boiler suit that was supposed to be Guy Fawkes asking for 'Penny for the guy'. We'd then throw it on the bonfire like some sort of weird Wicker Man cult. Sadly, this is a tradition kids don't seem to bother with these days, they just like shooting fireworks at each other.

So you tell us this event changed but not how we end up 500 years later in this situation. I imagine like many of these scripts (and my own) there's a lot of a backstory here that you can't get across. I can guess at some with the clues you've left in (like the Republic Mail rather than the Royal Mail) but I fear a lot of this will be lost on those unfamiliar with the UK and it's history, even if they have watched V for Vendetta.

As with all the entries in this OWC, I won't be downgrading any points simply because you've not explained centuries of historical and cultural changes!

As for the story, there's a tone shift from serious to comical in parts. This is fine and we see that a lot in TV programs these days, just be careful to get the balance right...which isn't easy.


I have to say and I'm going to say this for every script in this challenge (so I'm basically cut and pasting this last bit into all of them lol) that well done on entering! This was creatively an extremely challenging outline, one in which quite a few didn't even attempt or dropped out of. To have a completed script in the running deserves a pat on the back and a collective high-five!

-Mark
Posted by: khamanna, January 30th, 2018, 2:11pm; Reply: 6
For me, it reads as some kind of parody. A Will Farrel type of comedy, very comical I must say.
Also, things happen at random. And I don't understand the world.
Felix is not very active, he doesn't do anything to free himself. He actually doesn't do anything throughout.
Angus is saving him. What for though? Felix just stared when Angus got tasered.
I don't know what the world is about - no saying "royalty" - I understand that the monarchy is overthrown but still even in a parody it can't go that far I think. Saying royalty is not the same as showing love for royalty. Even showing love for royalty can't be considered a criminal offense and if it does there should be some plausible explanation for it.
They can't say "mad cow decease" - I wonder why.
And then, why would Felix was treated like royalty - didn't understand that either.
I don't know - maybe I'm not reading this one with an open mind. I expected a different type of script for some reason.
Posted by: MarkItZero, January 30th, 2018, 9:19pm; Reply: 7
That was pretty damn good. Some of this went over my head cuz I'm a dumb, ignorant American but even with that it was still entertaining. It moved fast and was quite funny. I don't know how you pulled this off, but you did.

Nice job.
Posted by: LC, January 30th, 2018, 10:00pm; Reply: 8
This is brilliant. So funny.

You need to label it comedy... Well, you don't actually need to, but you should.

So many funny and clever lines:

EMILIA
...The trick will be your voice. Can you
do a Scottish accent?
FELIX
Och, aye the nooh?

TRAMP
God may see all an ‘ear all, but he
sure don’t like the smell of shit. ...

Lots of finesse to the concocting of the story, and filmable to boot.
And a great ending too.

If only Peter Sellers was still around.

Thanks for the laughs, writer!

P.S. Your logline really doesn't do justice to your story. I'd be calling them 'smugglers' or 'freedom fighters' instead of 'terrorists'. Jmho.

Posted by: ChrisBodily, January 31st, 2018, 5:47am; Reply: 9
I know very little of Guy Fawkes outside of the V for Vendetta film adaptation.

The rhythm/meter of the rewritten poem is a little wonky. You should be going for more of a limerick meter. Set your poem to the tune of the Mexican Hat Dance. I like what you're trying to do with it, though: Paint Fawkes as a hero instead of a traitor/terrorist.

It should also be tagged as a SUPER. Normally, you wouldn't use italics in a screenplay.


Quoted Text
French[-]American



Quoted Text
An infrequent flyer who rarely ventures outside his home town.


Unfilmable.

You should always capitalized French.

"Colonies?" Did we surrender to that tyrant, George III?


Quoted Text
Which I’m sure we’ll be wanting back real soon.


Oh.


Quoted Text
Felix is engrossed in the outside world, he only hears the occasional snippet.


How do we know this? Show us.


Quoted Text
“GOD SEES ALL, HEARS ALL.["]


Who's Penny? Who's Jimmy? King James? Is he one of those homeless religious zealots?

"Tramp" is too close to "Trump." Ugh. Don't we Americans get enough of that guy?


Quoted Text
Of course[,] my friends.



Quoted Text
watch[,] no doubt.


ALWAYS -- ALWAYS! -- offset with commas.

"Seventies" should be capitalized.


Quoted Text
Oh Felix, I really think [M-I-Six] has more important matters to attend to than us.


Spell out numbers and abbreviations, unless the number is ludicrously large. This is for timing reasons.


Quoted Text
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - NEXT DAY


You have a couple orphans. Try to avoid these.


Quoted Text
Felix races [past]



Quoted Text
Oui, of course, but I pay it little attention. There’s so much fake news, it’s hard to know what’s real!


Let me help you, Felix. Anything on Fox News is fake news. You're welcome.

Wow. Nice twist in history. Possibly a worse President (of any country) than Trump?


Quoted Text
ashen[-]faced


King Charlie?? You mean old Chuck is finally King?


Quoted Text
Those people back there, w h ere they all donors?



Quoted Text
I am a simple man Emilia. I don’t understand any of this, I just want off this crazy island[.] Can your King Charles arrange this?



Quoted Text
Och, aye the nooh?


WTF? That makes about as much sense as covfefe. Wow. Didn't know this was an actual phrase. Thought it was just some pseudo-Scottish gibberish. Even so, it's "noo," not "nooh."


Quoted Text
The soldier clocks, Felix who stares back.


Huh? Misplaced comma?


Quoted Text
Yer bum’s oot the windae. Whit’s fur ye’ll no go past ye. Awa' an bile yer heid ya big jessie!


What the hell does this mean? How do you pronounce it?

I'm so lost on the Scottish dialect.

ICYDK: "Jammy" is UK slang for "lucky."

Wow. Didn't expect that twist-downer ending. I loved the story, and the writing could be tightened and polished. A very commendable effort. A script fit for a ki-- president!  :P
Posted by: Stumpzian, January 31st, 2018, 9:27am; Reply: 10
I like the comic quality of this tale. It has a Chaplin-Buster Keaton-Harold Lloyd feel at times, such as when poor Felix runs down the street, jumps in a manhole, winds up in an autopsy room, and on and on. Yes, Felix ought to have known the pitfalls awaiting him; after all, he knows enough to be worried when his wife mentions Mad Cow Disease. But, really, who cares? There are many funny lines, the pace is good, and you don't have to know much (if anything) about Guy Fawkes.
Thumbs up.
Henry

P.S. Just read a few earlier comments I hadn't seen before writing the above. Peter Sellers!  Great choice, Libby.
Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), February 2nd, 2018, 5:15am; Reply: 11
Good. Not so sure the abolishment of the monarchy would have meant that we turned suddenly overly religious, but, rolling with it, it's a good tale. Nice work.
Posted by: Cameron (Guest), February 2nd, 2018, 6:33am; Reply: 12
First one down!

Hahaha, someone fed up of Brexit? The beginning of this actually seemed like a bit of a swipe at all the anti foreign nonsense in the Daily Mail, nice.

Comedy, it's definitely a comedy so it should be listed as one.

It's pretty funny in bits, but I'd actually say it's smarter than it is funny. The French American stuff, well thought out, the Scottish/English stuff is a natural comedy vehicle, as is a Frenchman attempting the accent.

A few typos in there but nothing to be overly concerned with, fulfilled the challenge parameters and was a good ride, definitely never boring and inspite of the slapstick humour it held together well.

Good job!

Cam

P.S. Coincidentally the tune Failed Olympic Bid by Future of the Left came on at the same time as I was reading it, and it added to the absolute madness and anarchy. If it was Total Eclipse of the Heart I don't think it would add much, but for whatever reason FOTL seems to fit...
Posted by: SteveUK, February 2nd, 2018, 6:03pm; Reply: 13
I really liked this - very creative & funny throughout. It had the usual OWC issues of typos, grammaticals etc., but other than that I thought this was pretty well written.

The only problems that stood out for me were Felix’s character description - I’m not against unfilmables in character intros if it reveals something important about the character that can’t be shown visually, but you have ‘An infrequent flyer who rarely ventures outside his home town.’ which is backstory that is actually revealed by his wife a couple of pages later, which makes it redundant in his intro.

The other problem is that it is never really established as to why Felix is in England. What was the purpose of his trip? What was he there to sign? I think this definitely needs addressing in the rewrite.

There were a lot of nice touches throughout - Republic Mail, signing parchment with quills, Royal Marines as terrorists - that I really appreciated, and I thought the ending tied the things up really well. Well done!
Posted by: Spqr, February 3rd, 2018, 2:11pm; Reply: 14
Nicely done! Sorry I can't come up with anything to help you improve it.
Posted by: Shakey, February 5th, 2018, 7:27am; Reply: 15
This wasn’t the script I was expecting from the logline, or the title.

It felt like a whistle-stop romp through our writer’s Brave New World premise. Very Buster Keaton / Peter Sellers. Can’t argue with that. Odd subject for a comedy, but that’s originality I ‘spose.

For rewrites and polishing, I think it would help to plant this more solidly and consistently in the comedy camp. Perhaps an introductory comedy moment in the opening scene, even before we get to “SPEAK ENGLISH!” Then we’d be prepped for what’s to come. Not sure that the poem over black helps - makes the first few moments seem quite serious.
Posted by: PrussianMosby, February 5th, 2018, 4:51pm; Reply: 16
Hi,

this is a fun script from my sight, fun characters, an entertaining escape plot, good constant movement of storyline, enjoyed the humor throughout.

I also liked that distinct dark vibe around that hospital, body, organ angle… it gave a great characteristic to the story.

Presentation is clean, dialogue works, nice irony, what can I say… other than talk about the demanded preconditions that give it a, cough, "irritating" context for an audience. But I cannot hold that against you. Just write it out of it if you once want to have it a perfect piece.

Thumbs up, writer.


@ genre is clearly adventure here
Posted by: MarkRenshaw, February 11th, 2018, 6:47am; Reply: 17
In 1605 Guy Fawkes attempted to blow up the UK Houses of Parliament. It was part of a larger plot by protestant Catholics to overthrow the monarchy but he was caught and tortured until he gave up the names of all his co-conspirators. He leaped to his death just before he was hung, drawn and quartered. The King ordered the entire country to celebrate this failed coup with bonfires and thus, a national tradition was established - November the 5th, bonfire night, one that is still celebrated to this day.

But what if Guy Fawkes had succeeded? That was the premise I imagined. I spent a week coming up with an alternate history.

With the monarchy overthrown, the surviving relatives of the royal family flee to Scotland. England becomes a Republic. The Monarchy in Scotland goes from strength to strength, which inspires the people to come together. This eventually leads to Scotland maintaining its independence. In 2018, England and Scotland are still technically at war, although there’s been no open hostilities for over a hundred years; a bit like North and South Korea.

As Protestant Catholicism becomes the dominant religion in England, the hostilities in Ireland never occur and they become strong allies.  

The industrial revolution and English (there’s no British in this timeline) Empire still happen but on a smaller scale and it collapses sooner.

With its focus divided and resources squeezed, England allow the Colonies to become independent by brokering a 99-year leasing agreement similar to what happened with Hong Kong. England get some much-needed cash, America gains its independence without bloodshed, it’s just happens almost a hundred years later. France plays a much larger role, establishing towns in both Canada and America. Eventually this leads to the first French American President.
England play a dominant role in World War 1 but at great cost, it cripples the economy and never truly recovers, so much so that they declare themselves neutral in World War 2. This isolates England from the world scene and their influence is reduced considerably.

By 2018, it is not a United Kingdom but a broken one. With resources dwindling and a tough religious regime in force to control the population, the country has become something which I imagine a hard Brexit will transform us into; a bitter resentful and intolerant nation. Brexit was a heavy influence.

That’s where this story is set, and I realize there was no way I was going to get all this across but I tried to set the scene as best I could. I also didn’t intentionally specify this as a comedy. I am a huge fan of TV shows (and movies) that have mixed tones, ones that have quite serious and hilarious moments. That is what I attempted to convey here.

Thanks for all the reads and comments. I’m glad it was entertaining to some and I can totally understand if you hadn’t a clue what was going on lol! I will utilize all the points raised  to write the first proper draft. Feedback like this is priceless!

-Mark

Posted by: DanC, February 13th, 2018, 2:02am; Reply: 18
I had no clue what happened, but, boy was it fun.  I laughed at a lot of the scenes.

Great job Mark.  You've really improved a lot over the last few years.

Dan
Posted by: MarkRenshaw, March 3rd, 2018, 5:22am; Reply: 19
I always enter my OWC script into a few competitions just to see how it does. Pleased to say the very first festival I've entered Broken Kingdom into has had a favourable result! It has won best fantasy screenplay at the Los Angeles Film Awards. :-)

https://www.lafilmawards.net/february-2018
Posted by: SAC, March 3rd, 2018, 7:49am; Reply: 20
Well done, Mark!!
Posted by: LC, March 3rd, 2018, 8:05am; Reply: 21
Excellent news! Loved this one.
Posted by: HyperMatt, March 3rd, 2018, 8:59am; Reply: 22
Congrats.
I'll have to give this a read.
Posted by: khamanna, March 3rd, 2018, 2:35pm; Reply: 23
Woah, very nice, congrats!
Posted by: Grandma Bear, March 3rd, 2018, 7:18pm; Reply: 24
Very cool! You have a lot of talent.  :)
Posted by: MarkItZero, March 7th, 2018, 9:59pm; Reply: 25
Awesome! That was a really wild and hilarious script.
Posted by: Warren, March 7th, 2018, 10:22pm; Reply: 26
Wow that's pretty awesome, congrats!
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