Full Circle by Don't Need No Stinkin' Logline - Short, Drama - {no logline}  11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Why no logline? Did you forget? Deliberate?

Great way to set the story with the opening scene. Props.

So all these clips? The absence of slugs make it seems as if we are watching them on TV or in the studio? But the way they are written almost seems as if they should be their own scenes.

Dangit. Pg 6 and so far you've devoted pages to a reunion tease. If John is alive I want to see how he changed the world. Not all these band getting back together teasing. If this is a newscast and it's all they have to say about the man's legacy I'm thinking there wasn't much of one. You're not showing me anything great here.

Pg. 8 and now it seems John is finally ready to change the world. This is a short. Why so long?

Nope never mind. Now he's dead and we're viewing the memorial. All the great things he did and people he met are being talked about but we do not see them. Why did you not show the meeting with Gorbachev? Receiving the nobel prize? Getting the band back together seems to have been the least important part of his story yet it's what you spent the most time on.

The 9/11 moment at the end is nice and smart. Where was that during the rest of the script?

Dialogue and interaction between the Beatles sounded good. I'm no fan but I from what I know they came across as aloof and  half serious so good on that. Make sure to CAP new charterers when we see them first.

A good idea that sadly goes nowhere. Hence the title? Had you shown John traveling the world Quantum Leap style righting the wrongs of the past you may have had a script. Just imagine that.

Beatles fan-fiction? lol.

Your writing is very good and formatting was spot on. It’s very difficult to write scenes through the lens of a news report so well done.

I also had a lot of fun reading the dialogue with a thick Scouse accent. I thought you captured their voices really well and their famous wit.

It was a fun read but i think the fact that you are such an obvious Beatles fan was sometimes an issue.
It did tend to drift into a fans fantasy of the band. I really like the Beatles but boy did they have some character flaws (please don’t hate me, that is definitely just my opinion). There was no conflict, everything was perfect.

The trouble with telling the story through a news report is that it is just that, a report. It delivers information but not character.
Its an interesting question “what would John be like if he had survived?”. Maybe he would have fixed some of those character flaws? Maybe he would have treated Julien better? Maybe he would have treated poor Yoko better? and maybe he would have fixed his relationships with his old band mates?

A great opening would have been to show John surviving the assassination attempt from Marky-Mark chapman.

Anyway, it was a fun read its nice to read something from someone who is so passionate about the subject matter. Though, a more objective look would have strengthened the story.

My favourite songwriter is Loudon Wainwright who does a great song called “Not John” about the day he died. Worth a listen.

Well done for writing this in a week and I’m sorry if i come across as a “Blue Meanie”….. Get it?

Just read CameronD’s comment regarding a story where John Lennon quantum leaps, righting the wrongs of the past.
Now that is a million dollar idea.

I  know whose story this is. Wish I had finished mine on time because parts of this are very similar to an idea I'm working on. Oh well. Good job writer.

I was in High School when he was assassinated.  We found out at lunchtime.  The entire cafeteria went silent and we had an impromptu moment of silence for the great one.

There's a lot of work here, but, in my opinion, it doesn't do anything.  It's a recap of his life and some tertiary events of his life.  I would have preferred to see a tiny into of him surviving the attempt, then jumps in time to show what he did.

I find it unlikely he could have prevented 9/11 and would have loved to have seen how or why you think that could have happened.  

Also, I don't think you had an actual date for the day he died in the story.

Hey, I read that Quantum leap idea.  That's gold.  How about 2 celestial beings debate altering his fate because of what he will do, like in "It's a wonderful Life" but ultimately decide not to.  That's a million dollar story.  

Dan

The Beatles, Andy Peebles & Michal Parkinson all in one script, this is definately one by a fellow Brit lol!

I seem to remember someone asking if we could show this event not happening and could the story be about the event itself. The answer was no, the story was supposed to be set after the event in this new timeline but not directly connected. This script is directly about the change and features it, so not sure it 100% meets the criteria but that's a minor quibble.

The moment with the dove at the end is a prime example of what this script could have been. To say John Lennon's message of peace helped prevent 9/11 and a score of other events with such a visual element was masterful. Sadly though, the rest of the script is simply one long exercise in exposition told via news reports with lots of dialogue. So much so, that I started skimming and drifting off.  You get the Beatles characterizations spot on and I could imagine them saying those lines, but this feels like a bit of a wasted opportunity when it has the potential to be so much more.

I have to say and I'm going to say this for every script in this challenge (so I'm basically cut and pasting this last bit into all of them lol) that well done on entering! This was creatively an extremely challenging outline, one in which quite a few didn't even attempt or dropped out of. To have a completed script in the running deserves a pat on the back and a collective high-five!

-Mark  

Well, it's a bit talkie, but, at the same time it's entertaining.

I love the premise - you changed a big event - John, alive and well and actively working on peace projects, then dying young again, but even so. If he'd survived, well we all 'imagine' what would be...

You've got the characters and their voices down pat, but for me some of it feels longer than its page count, (like an altered biodrama)  not an actual focused story with goals, conflict, an end point etc. Make sense?


SPOILERS AHEAD:




Worth writing and reading however for the powerful and beautiful images at the end. The mosaic of Imagine,  but mostly the dove flying high over the Twin Towers. You really made me feel emotional with that image, so well done, writer!

I'm of two minds whether the mother/daughter dialogue is necessary though... I preferred the image of the bird soaring overhead and the newspaper lifting with the gust of wind.

Nice job.

So...why couldn't you think of a logline?It didn't have to be anything fancy.

Overall, this is an interesting concept, and while I think the tribute itself takes way too long for a National news broadcast - and only glances over his accomplishments prior to the altered timeline (and even avoids Lennon's controversies, his first wife etc.) and I don't know if the peeps are going to knock you on "a spring day"(p6) but I'm okay with that. Lennon now dies in April of 2001. Perfect.

Wait a minute,you ask.How do we know it's April?
It has to be. George Harrison had health issues and been in and out of hospitals since May 2001. Harrison passed that November.

No logline. Decent story.
Go figure.

I'm not sure if I'd play 'Imagine' over a sight over the World Trade Center. Yes, it's one of his most well known songs, but there some...interpretations of the song which are deemed anti-America. As it is, Lennon, dead or alive, could not delay or stop 9/11. Cry peace all you want, a terrorist /Osama Bin Laden would care less.

Writer,

Wow. I loved this. What a nice tribute to Lennon, I mean, just wow. For some reason this really resonated with me, and I think it captured the spirit of the challenge as well as delivering a message for peace, and what that could achieve across the world and across time. Not just Lennon, but peace itself. It could’ve been anyone delivering that message, but choosing Lennon just seems to have a greater impact because his life was so tragically cut short. So, I think this is a beautiful homage to him. I suppose we know the writer, too.

Steve

Title not centered.  Big deal?  Of course not, but title page just doesn't look very good.

Opening Slug missing a space after "INT."

"NEWSREADER"?  Is that an Aussie thang?

I like the opening here!

There are writing issues throughout, missing punctuation, incorrect tenses, even, but for some reason, I'm very intrigued and like what I'm reading.

Wow!  Really, REALLY GOOD!  Strangely powerful and emotional and your ending is quite brilliant.  You've also hit the challenge parameters, and written a script that is easy to follow and very heartfelt.

Writing-wise, lots and lots of mistakes, which you really need to come to understand and do away with, as something so nice as this script, shouldn't be bogged down by awkward writing.

Very surprised to say, this is easily in the top 2 for me.  Great job, Mate!  

This was my last read and a nice one to end with. Very touching with the thought of 'what could've been'. I was a senior in HS when it came across the intercom and remember it like it was yesterday.

Great flow and interaction. I can visualize the Fab Four having those conversations. Was the news coverage re: the Double Fantasy release taken from real footage or was it original? Just curious. Very quick read with no real complaints. Nice touch with Sept. 12th as well.

Great job and thanks for the memories!

I would have capped JOHN LENNON when he and YOKO get out of the taxi.

Quoted Text Oh[,] sure.

Mr. = Mister

Quoted Text charity, a

i = I

Names interjected into sentences need to be offset with commas.

ok = okay

Decades and dates should be capitalized.

A lot of characters need CAPPING, but I'm so engrossed in the story.

Quoted Text Line of work? Come on, man, this is not a job. This is a lifetime thing that we affects us all. It affects our children and their future.

Wow. Beautiful. So

SPOILERS

not only was Lennon not assassinated, but The Beatles reunited, we got world peace and 9/11 never happened.

One of the best ones I've read so far. Congratulations.

At least three commenters have said they LOVE the Quantum Leap idea. No, no, no. It's a TERRIBLE idea.
On to the script as written --
I enjoyed this quite a bit. John's life as portrayed is believable. Could he have had this much impact? Maybe not, but the writer makes it fun to think about.
I have no complaints beyond the need for cleanup, etc. The pacing is fine with me, and the newscast structure does its job,

Henry

My first of these scripts.

My reaction to this script after having finished. That was nice. It was nicely written, even though there were some format issues here and there. It didn't interfere with the reading and I was never confused, so I didn't care about those.

It read like a nice tribute by a news station to a famous person. Not exactly as a story in itself, if you know what I mean. The love of the Beatles by the writer comes off as a bit strong, IMO. Lots of talk between the band members and maybe getting together again and maybe going on tour. I honestly felt halfway in that this would end with them going on tour. I think I've read another script where that happened.  ;)

I thought the ending was what saved this script. It was great. If you were to re-write this, which you're probably not, I would suggest focusing more on Lennon and what he did with his life that was so great and cut down on your own fantasy of the band getting together again.

Hope this helps.

Hi,

I didn’t read any of the comments so if I repeat anything I apologise.

The first thing you notice is no logline, does it matter, not really. Is it nice to have, sure.

I felt like the montage could be done a little better.

Quoted Text John and YOKO ONO get out of a taxi in front of the Dakota; they stroll through Central Park with their son SEAN; John interviewed by DJ ANDY PEEBLES:

These are all separate shots and could be broken up as such.

Quoted Text JOHN But to be serious for a moment...i would never tell a lie because my

Capital I.

Quoted Text MOTHER(O.S.) Mmm? Oh my, yes, its beautiful. (beat) Maybe it was the one released for John Lennon? I’m sure the ceremony was around this time.

A little OTN. Also its should be it’s.

The ending gave me goose bumps.

So, it’s really well written, format wise the only thing I would personally change is the montage, but it’s a personal preference thing and not essential.

As far as the story goes. It's an enjoyable read. The Beatles individual voices definitely come through in your characters.

I did find it a bit wordy in parts and had to stop myself skimming through dialogue.

Overall, this is a solid effort.

I did think the challenge was more about being set in a world moulded by the event not happening, where this is really an extension of that event.

Well done and congrats for getting an entry into a very tough challenge.

I dreaded going into this script knowing that it was a Beatles thing. I then thought that the writing was good and enjoyed the layout. Then, around page 9, I just lost it. It's all dialogue. A narrated story. I couldn't make it to the end.

A well-done documentary of what might have been, with a nice payoff.

Really enjoyed this one. If you’re even vaguely interested in The Beatles, it’s hard not to enjoy never-seen-before footage of their reunion. ;-)

Also, neat construct, smart idea, great ending, well told throughout.

Possibly not quite the right balance of ‘the band’s getting back together’ versus ‘he’s changing the world with peace’ - but that’s splitting hairs since the whole thing flows well.

Congrats to Cam and Mark and Blondie and Don for a great challenge. Cheers to all who read mine and liked it.

I knew pretty quickly after the theme was announced that i would be doing a Lennon surviving story. And the ending with 9/11 came early too - the 2 events are pretty much etched into NYC history - so i just had to link it up. I did cheat a bit on this - I googled all the world leaders and such of the 80's and 90's , and I had planned to insert into scenes in the tribute to Lennon. But I was tired and kept putting it off and was running out of pages so I realised I could avoid it by cutting to an ad break for the news program (I thought that was pretty sneaky clever lol) and then skip ahead to the ceremony, for a quick name check. Apologies to all on that but I somehow couldn't sit down and write those couple of pages - writers block, laziness, who knows, but I didn't want to do it for some reason lol

I didn't mean for the Beatle reunion stuff to go for so long but it was so much fun writing all this 'new' stuff that I got carried away lol. There seemed to be some confusion with some readers on certain things - the Imagine mosaic in Central Park is real - I've visited it - and was opened by Yoko in 1981; I just moved it back 20 years. So the song 'Imagine' wasn't playing at the end.

Also to Dan? The date of John's death - August 12 - is mentioned very early in the news broadcast. I made it that date so it was only a few weeks before the real 9/11 would've happened in the 'old' timeline. I did make one factual error where I said it was a spring day for the ceremony when it should of course been autumn lol.  I got my seasons mixed up.

My fave of the scripts was Operation Downfall as I loved the war chat and action. Cheers all again.

I really enjoyed this one.  I thought you tacked a very hard subject in that you told the story through news broadcasts.  I wouldn't have had the guts to do that.  

Honestly, I'm not sure I'd even know how to do that, correctly.

I wish you had a synopsis, not that one is needed once you get into it.

Really strong Stevie!  Really strong.

Dan

Thanks for the kind words, Dan. I did tinker with having the scenes play out in real time first instead of the news tribute. I actually wrote two opening scenes in which the 3 Beatles visit John in hospital complete with cheesy dialogue lol. But I realised writing the whole script that way would be way tougher so went with the look back at his life in a news report. I had to google the best way to present it and using MONTAGE was it.

Well done on your script too. I enjoyed it even if I wasn’t that aware of the subject matter. But you researched very well and had a good idea of what you wanted it to be about. Cheers bro