Friendly Fire by Clayton Harp - Thriller, Action - After being fired, a dedicated business man must relocate to another country for a job opportunity. During the relocation, he finds himself involved in a conspiracy that could alter his life forever.  106 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Clayton,

I read the first 20 pages and have a little feedback if you're interested (as always, feel free to disagree)

You open with at least a minute and a half of various news reports. I think you could get the same impact out of the montage by cutting each of them down to a few lines. You'd get basically the same info, then get the audience into the story much quicker.

I would suggest adding day or night to all of your scene headings. If someone is breaking down the scenes, or even just double checking the time of day it makes it a lot easier.

When Chase says to himself "Shit! How could I have overslept three times in the same week" it feels unnatural and overly expository. I think you could show this in some other way.

Page 3 "greg" is not capitalized.

I sort of get why you have the firing scene take place on the helicopter, but it feels odd. He gets in the heli with the boss, lifts off for a while. You say minutes pass, literally? is it a montage with time cuts, or do you mean moments? They land at Teterboro, but there is no description. You could say they land on the tarmac at Teterboro Airport.

Page 11 - "everyone is laying of their employee's." "of" should be "off", "employee's" should be "employees."

Page 16 - "Stronger then" should be "Stronger than"

He responds to the TSA Agent that he is traveling on business, but he's actually moving to London. Seems like something he'd be clear about when asked an official question.

It's a slow intro, but by page 20 you've introduced a nervous co-passenger and her kid as well as some suspicious men. That makes us worry about the flight and should pull people into reading act two.

So far, looks good. Thanks for posting.

I have some issues with your logline:

"After being fired, a dedicated business man must relocate to another country for a job opportunity. During the relocation, he finds himself involved in a conspiracy that could alter his life forever. "

It feels redundant to say "after being fired" and "relocate to another country for a job opportunity."  The word "job opportunity" itself implies he's out of work.  And what do you mean, "dedicated business man"?  Is he dedicated to business?  Or did you mean to say "determined"?  That would make more sense.  "During the relocaton" is also redundant.  You're referring back to a piece of information you've already given.  Also, "must."  The way it's used, it implies he has no choice or is being forced to look for a job out of the country.  And "alter his life forever' how?  In a good way?  A bad way?  If it's in a good way, what does he stand to win?  If in a bad way, what does he stand to lose?   And go for words which imply gravity.  "becomes involved in a conspiracy" sounds passive.  How about "finds himself trapped in a conspiracy"?

Let's remember the brass tacks when it comes to loglines.  Thirty words or less, establish the set-up, the protagonist, his goal, an obstacle, and the stakes:

"After relocating to another country (set up) for a job opportunity (goal), a business man (protagonist) finds himself trapped in a conspiracy (obstacle) that could alter his life forever (stakes)."

But be more dynamic than that.  Is it a deadly conspiracy?  In what way might it alter his life?  For better or worse?  Or could it COST him his life?  Loglines, like scripts themselves, need to be concise.  Lean and mean, not verbose.  Be choosy with your word selection.

Good luck.  Keep writing. :)

Quoted from Lon I have some issues with your logline: "After being fired, a dedicated business man must relocate to another country for a job opportunity. During the relocation, he finds himself involved in a conspiracy that could alter his life forever. " It feels redundant to say "after being fired" and "relocate to another country for a job opportunity."  The word "job opportunity" itself implies he's out of work.  And what do you mean, "dedicated business man"?  Is he dedicated to business?  Or did you mean to say "determined"?  That would make more sense.  "During the relocaton" is also redundant.  You're referring back to a piece of information you've already given.  Also, "must."  The way it's used, it implies he has no choice or is being forced to look for a job out of the country.  And "alter his life forever' how?  In a good way?  A bad way?  If it's in a good way, what does he stand to win?  If in a bad way, what does he stand to lose?   And go for words which imply gravity.  "becomes involved in a conspiracy" sounds passive.  How about "finds himself trapped in a conspiracy"? Let's remember the brass tacks when it comes to loglines.  Thirty words or less, establish the set-up, the protagonist, his goal, an obstacle, and the stakes: "After relocating to another country (set up) for a job opportunity (goal), a business man (protagonist) finds himself trapped in a conspiracy (obstacle) that could alter his life forever (stakes)." But be more dynamic than that.  Is it a deadly conspiracy?  In what way might it alter his life?  For better or worse?  Or could it COST him his life?  Loglines, like scripts themselves, need to be concise.  Lean and mean, not verbose.  Be choosy with your word selection. Good luck.  Keep writing. :)

Solid advice.