Work Quote by Simon Parker - Short, Drama - Several workers start losing their hands. Jack, needing to escape this dystopian world where if you don't work fast enough, your work gun that's attached at your wrist explodes. 8 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey there, Simon

You have an interesting concept that could be well realized. But I've got to be honest, I did struggle getting through this script. Luckily for you, these are errors that, with a re-write, can be easily fixed.

PG. 3

Dan lay beneath him on the bottom.

Both ready for bed. In only their underwear their wrists straps remain on. They can’t come off.



It should be, "Dan lies beneath him." But more importantly, just say "Dan lies on the bottom." You are too redundant with this action block.

In the second line, "Both ready for bed" is a little bit of a weird read. Try reading it out-loud.  The second sentence should be, "In only their underwear, their wrist straps remain." "Wrist" doesn't have to be plural.

Another thing is, "They can't come off." Again, this is redundant. You've already explain this.

The mistakes in example are seen again and again throughout your script and it distracted me from trying to invest in the story. I would suggest a second draft to tighten up the action blocks, correct the grammar and make the overall read of the script flow.

I think you have a decent story, but it's bogged down by these tiny, distracting mistakes that just add up.

I can't wait to see a second draft!

Until then,

Happy Writing!

-Austin