Hi Howard,
Can’t say I really enjoyed this one. It didn’t make much sense or have any point.
As I mentioned in my previous review, you still write very passively.
The dialogue feels quite force and unnatural. It’s also very expositional.
Quoted Text ROBERT
(slow & unruffled)
Listen, at this moment, there is a
50 caliber Barret sniper rifle
aimed at your head Sergeant Evans
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I know you want Robert to sound cool, calm, and collected but it really doesn’t fit because we know absolutely nothing about him. Need a comma every time you address someone directly in dialogue. Also forgot the punctuation at the end of the sentence.
Your writing feels very padded; I think scripts need to be leaner.
SPOILERS
Quoted Text Evans is aghast. Clearly someone had found his home,
collected his dog and somehow got it through the ring of
police security that now encircles the property.
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What of the purpose of this entire piece? We will obviously assume this. Don’t force feed your readers the story; we are smarter than you think. Also none of this is filmable, get rid of it completely.
Quoted Text straight, I've broken no
laws. You people can't just bust
into a man's home unannounced in
the dark of night, destroy his
property and endanger his family
for nothing more than an
unsubstantiated tip.
...
Now understand this, if you come
for me, if ANYONE, even from
another agency comes for me.
...
YOU personally, Sergeant Evans
will pay.
...
If anyone makes any sort of move
on my family,
...
YOUR family will pay.
...
If any of you try to move your
family out of the line of fire,
you will pay.
...
We have operatives in your police
station and we will know. Do I
make myself absolutely clear?
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What is the purpose of all the ellipses? Their general use in screenplays is to indicate trailing thoughts or dialogue. I don’t understand your intent here. It looks bad and slows the read.
I’m not sure what I’m meant to be left with, are we to assume this guy just gets away with it? That’s not realistic in any way. Also if the siege was a few hours earlier how has Robert gotten information on every one of the cops, placed snipers, stolen a dog? I know we suspend belief when watching films but really, this is too much.
I will say one thing, I kept reading because I wanted to see how it all played out. I thought there was going to be some insane twisted reveal, but there wasn’t, it was a huge let down.
If you can give this some reason why it all fits together I think it could be a good story. At the moment stuff just happens because it’s convenient to the story, unless of course I’ve completely missed something.
You are still making some of the same errors I addressed in your previous script.
Storywise this doesn’t work, but it has the potential to.