Hey, Josh
Interesting premise, certainly topical. I myself am working on a feature that touches on the implications of social media fame has on personal lives so I was interested in seeing where this one went.
I think you have a nice idea but the execution of it is clunky.
Namely, a few things.
One, give your characters names. I would have felt a little more connected and therefore a little more interested in the character's journey through the story if they had names. Maybe you weren't trying to draw any sort of empathy for these guys but the ending, I just didn't care. I think you need to do a little more to define who these characters are. Start off by giving them names. It's simple but can be extremely effective.
Second, there were some sections I read where I was taken out of the story because of the odd formatting.
The most notable was on PG. 2
Bro raises the taser up to Video Boy's skin, until it
Touches
His stomach and
Video Boy
SCREAMS
Is there a specific reason it's formatted like this? If there is, I didn't understand what.
Third, some of the action blocks, again, took me out of the story because they made me ask questions that I'm sure you weren't trying to raise.
On PG. 4
"The grass is green as hell."
If this was a line of dialogue, I would chalk it up to the idea that this is a saying that people use. I use it. But because it's in the action block, something that is supposed to give us a visual representation of what we're going to see on screen, this action block is incredibly contradictory and confusing.
I started asking myself, "Is the location supposed to be run down and dry, like I perceive the red fiery pits of hell to be?" But it can't be because right before , you mention how beautiful the trees are. So this action block doesn't even work as irony to set the scene, it's just confused.
Also, the descriptions of the STREAM area are unnecessary to your overall story. I always give the benefit of the doubt to the writer that when they become hyper detailed in their action blocks it's done with a purpose. Here, none of what you described mattered.
It seemed as though you're trying to prove how much imagination you have, not a bad thing, it's just that it takes away precious white space on the page that could be use more effectively to give us more interesting character moments or to further the plot. Right now, it's just descriptions for descriptions sake.
I say all this, not to be mean, but to be honest on how easy your script was to read. Again, it has a nice little premise to work with and one that I think could be expanded.
This is a solid first draft. Hope to see a second one.
Until then,
Happy Writing!