Light by 0 - Short, Action - A man in Hell possesses a power he didn't know he had. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I don't know what the parameters of the story are, but you get kudos for writing a reasonably uplifting story set in Hell.

Although I recognized the slit-the-wrists scars, some might need a bit more description to visualize them. Maybe you're leaving it up to the director to pick the effective slit-up-and-down-the-wrist or the ineffective slit-across-the-wrist that seems to get used on TV as some kind of safety feature.

One bit of on-the-nose dialogue bothered me.

Quoted from Light SATAN Grab him! Before he knows!

I think the second sentence is unnecessary.

Overall great work getting a coherent story in in such a short timeframe.

Interesting take on purgatory/limbo/whatever you want to call it.

Not sure why, but I read Satan as Dave Grohl in Tenacious D's Pick of Destiny.

No real problems with this one, save a couple of lines from Satan, but not a big deal.

Writing - 4/5
Story - 4.5/5

Total - 4.25

Pretty sure I know who wrote this one; certain style choices seem to give it away. There is some vaguely redundant language throughout that affects readability (scars of cuts... wouldn't those be just scars?) but it flows rather well and reads quickly, even if  the prose could be trimmed down a tad.

I figured out exactly where it was going as soon as the guy's hands began to glow. I suppose in that sense it was predictable, but it didn't bother me too much.

As with this script's competitor, I'm not a fan of the chosen setting (literal hell), but seeing how it' apparently part of the scenario that was given, I won't hold either entry down for it.

Liked this! Maybe too much action but it seemed to enhance the minimal dialogue and so added to the read.
A tough topic too as it woulda been hard to refrain from doing the old Hell caricature with burning pits and pitchforks lol

Good efforts from both writers on this one

Another solid entry. Some of the dialogue from Satan was a bit cringe worthy, but overall I like this.

Going to be hard to separate these two scripts.

Clear - concise -  and visual.

Solid writing especially given the short time constraints.

This is going to be a toughie - both scripts in this one were well written.

Code LIGHT PULSES down the scars with his HEARTBEAT. The light runs like electricity.

I struggle with this visual. Which way is down in respect to this viewpoint? What does electricity run like? Does it run pulse-like? I suppose it might if you are a fly that lives a lifetime in 24 hours. For a human, though, it either runs or pulses.

Code He rolls his other sleeve up and reveals similar scars on the underside of his other forearm. Light also pulses down them.

One too many 'others'.
Also pulses down them? But it had started to run down them. Pulses down while it also runs down?

Code BANG! A loud noise at the front door startles Allen.

Lazy, passive writing. You write BANG in huge letters like it's an acronym for something and then go on to tell us what made the bang. How does the viewer know it came from the front door? Subtitles, perhaps?

Find a visual way of doing this. One way would be to write the sound effect, show Allen's shocked reaction to sound effect, and then move to the front door where you show it being banged. Then back to Allen shitting himself again.

Code LIVING ROOM BANG! BANG! BANG! The front door RATTLES. It finally BURSTS OPEN, revealing--

This could be so much more cinematic. I appreciate the page constraints, but it's very boring to read.

Ugh, monsters. Not my thing and no real reason for them other than writer choice.

Code The monsters BOMBARD Allen

With what?

Wow, that's just from page 1.


Seems to me there are many writers here that are very confused as to what makes a well-written screenplay. Nothing solid or particularly visual here so far. Anyway, I must continue to read 4 pages of monsters. My 2-year-old loves monsters... and wolves.

Code The monsters walk Allen up the stairs to the courthouse, which looms over them menacingly.

This reads fine to you? Nobody else can see what's wrong with this sentence? I'm just curious.

Code The seats are full of ghostly-looking people.

Thanks for telling me that. You didn't really need to when you go on to explain ghostly-looking people in the next sentence.

Writing: 2

Story: 1


1.5

There's very little objectively wrong with any of the sentences you just quoted, Dustin, except for the second and arguably the fifth, which I could understand well enough anyway.

No one is confused. If they are, they'll say so. If something reads sluggishly or isn't comprehensible, people will and have made note of it. Anything else you mentioned is just your opinion. I happen to think that you're wrong on several counts, though not all. Much of your criticism boils down to personal taste, which is less relevant than any true flaws in the writing (and there are quite a few, yes).

You seem to have a rather high opinion of your yourself, which is just fine. But your opinion is not gospel, nor are you the only writer here with real experience. You do a lot of dissection, most of which is very valuable, but a lot of what you say plainly lacks objectivity and can at times come across as simple grandstanding (hey... you did say you were curious).

This definitely wasn't one of the stronger entries for me either. That said, one could dissect virtually every other entry in a similar manner if so inclined. The flaws are there, in every single entry I've read so far. They're in mine too, as they likely are in yours, seeing how virtually none of the scripts have actually impressed me so far. I'm aware of them, but since time was also a factor in the tournament, I was also expecting that. I think a lot of the entries are decent given the time-frame and parameters.

Perhaps you reached a boiling point after seeing the same errors all over again (in addition to you just not liking the assigned theme in this one). I know I've reached an impasse on several occasions where I did not wish to vote on either entry simply because I thought little (or too much) of both, but if any of the scripts truly are sub-par, they won't make it far anyway.

Here I'm thinking that later you'd want Allen to fight Death, not Satan.
Because being given to Satan after Death immediately categorizes Allan as a bad person and you don't want that.

But you were dealt Satan and Hell, I know.

I'd rewrite the beginning when Allan asks himself "Who are you" - I don't get who he's talking to. And the other part, when he "runs" to the streetlight. I have a hard time visualizing him running. You could have the light burst out of him and turn into light fully - just saying.

I read an entry just like this one once. It didn't have any dialog. It was so poetic and simply great. If you want I can forward it to you after the comp is over. (and for the others I really don't know who the author of this is - just offering)
The other one is by Brian Howell, if you were on MP you know. He had a woman there waking up in a hospital. And she was an angel dressed in white, fighting a knight in black.

I have provided explanations for my opinions and have never stated them to be facts. My opinions are based on my own experiences and what I believe makes a better screenplay. That my opinion often differs from the majority doesn't make mine wrong and the others right.

I don't know what you're getting at... or why you feel the need to direct your comments to me and call me names trying to incite shit.

I couldn't care less what you think... and unless you direct your posts at me I will simply ignore your opinion in favour of my own every time. You don't like what I've got to say, block me.

You literally asked if anybody saw what was "wrong" with a certain sentence. The question was asked and I provided an answer. It came out longer than I'd intended, but you did ask, yes? Or was your comment supposed to be rhetorical? It did not read as such. Had you not asked a question, I wouldn't have written anything.

I never called you a name or tried to incite anything. If you felt that any of my comments constituted name-calling, I do apologize.

No, so far, nothing you've said makes me want to block you, despite some opinionated comments. But I'd argue that if don't actually want answers to questions, you shouldn't pose them or direct them at people, which you seem to have done. That's all.

Guys, I'm going to stop this one before it goes further. PM each other if you have an issue, but here's not the place.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde Guys, I'm going to stop this one before it goes further. PM each other if you have an issue, but here's not the place.

Noted and agreed.

The verb 'loom' indicates movement. The courthouse is an inanimate object so it cannot loom. Perhaps if it was lifting out of a fog as they walked up the stairs, then it would loom from the mist, but it's just there, why would it suddenly start looming? Secondly, I wouldn't use an adverb so unnecessarily as it shows amateur writing. Looming by itself says 'menacing'.

There are better, more visual methods of doing the same thing.

You said that I seem to have a high opinion of myself. Same as calling me arrogant. That's name-calling and incitement because I dared share a different opinion to your own.

I usually point out what I think is wrong and then offer explanations. I'm always happy to learn new things. If you want to show me where I'm wrong I'll be happy to hear that.

I agree with Khamanna.  It seems like given the end-

SPOILERS

that he'd fight death and not Satan.

I thought it was pretty good, but, in retrospect, was he truly a superhero?  Or did he just find his way back to the world?

I was confused as to why there were houses, courthouses etc in Hell.  And why would Satan choose who goes where?

And what does the light power mean?  Again, lots of questions.

This is a tough one.  I'm really torn as to which story was the best.  Both had strong and weak points.

Dan

Quoted from DanC And why would Satan choose who goes where?

My take was that the story takes the Catholic view of suicide as a "mortal sin" not quite literally, that Satan still has to trick the soul into believing he deserves damnation. Maybe I'm reading too much into this.

I thought this script was good.  Easy to follow.  Easy to understand.  Just plain easy.

To me the topic was executed.  The ending was good too.

All the best.

Light

Short notes: You haven't completely met your genre imo. There's this long dark build-up and in third act it also became more of a creepy however intelligent way out, not exactly what I expect from this genre. Massively overwritten. Descriptions were repetitive. That said there's some noticeable story craft and creativity.

story (0-5): 3
character (0-5): 2
presentation (0-5): 2

total: 7

Hmm, torn on this one, read well enough to get across what was intended but I failed to connect with it and wasn't entirely convinced by it, though I can't quite put my finger on why.

For me, this is by far the toughest vote choice. There's only a little bit more of a story here but the ending was solid. The Satan dialogue could use some work. But him going all Constantine on their asses was cool.

I didn't really get anything out of the main character though. Instead of spending all that time dragging him to Satan, why not just have him wake up in the courthouse. Or have the apartment morph into the courthouse. With the extra space, you could have a real dialogue exchange between the two of them that might give some characterization.

Okay, I think I talked myself into the other one. But good effort!

I was so absorbed while reading and then either unnecessary or OTN dialog would derail me, which was really too bad. Easy fixes to make this a really great short. The reveal at the end was a nice twist although I'm not sure this makes him a superhero. The doctor's the superhero for saving his ass.

Story-wise, I liked it a lot. Great job.

Satan talks like a dummy.

I get that the hero committed suicide but you've written him to be a sadomasochist as his entire body seems to be covered in scars. That's a bit much I think. Unless that just happened to be his appearance in hell and I missed that aspect.

Not sure why this guy has powers in hell. I think the story is a bit too ambitious for 5 pages and as such, it suffers. Needed to be much more small scale and intimate for it to work. But superhero in hell is a strange set of conditions to write for so kudos for the twist ending.

Hey everyone,

Thanks for giving this a read. I wish I could've done better with it, but this was a hard topic for me since Hell is really the only relevant thing I could write about, as I don't write action or superheroes (nor do I watch them either).

And the dialogue sucks, I know. I added in some of Satan's lines at the very end just before submitting. Dialogue is really hard for me for some reason, so any advice on how to write better speaking lines, please let me know!

I'm glad that those who enjoyed the story did. I can see how some people thought that he wasn't really a superhero, but I gave him powers to battle through Hell so I figured that that would be enough. And I wish I made Hell a little more personal instead of usual grim and torture, but at least it wasn't brimstone and fire like a lot of work depicts it as.

Must've been a tough decision for you all, mine and AJRs were neck and neck for the longest time! But alas, mine failed to impress toward the end of the voting. Oh well! Worth a shot and it was a lot of fun! Thanks again everyone for reading and giving your thoughts and opinions!

How can you love zombies and not superheroes??  You'd get a kick out of Marvel Zombies.  That was lots of fun.