Pearl of Wisdom by 0 - Short, Comedy - A heist in a fish tank. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi,

Will come back to this when I know the criteria but with this level of skill I'm sure you met it all.

Fantastic job for such a short time limit. It's a great little read.

The writing is very good, obviously one of the better writers on SS. I'd be very surprised if you didn't make it to the next round, even without reading your opponents script.

Well done!

Code A wide-eyed YOUNG BOY (7) presses his nosed up against the glass of one of the tanks.

Typo.

Code ...allowing him to take one last peak...

Peek.



Good, well done. The puns more groan-worthy than funny, but then, I suppose that accounts for most puns.


Writing: 4
Story: 5

Total: 4.5

I love puns, as bad as they are I love them and this one was comedy gold for me.

Well written, smart, funny and had a Finding Nemo style to it.

Great job.

I'm thinking that the first scene is a waste. It's telling us that there's new fish that disappears, but you let us know too much of a boy that comes there every day, so I get familiar with him and expect it to be about that boy.

The tank and the fish - that's interesting and fun. Too easy though - the new fish always buys in that tale.

Your villain has a solid motivation and acts on it - so it's a complete story for me. And it's a fun script overall.

Those puns were amazing.


I'd also say that the first scene didn't need to be included. It provided some information regarding the fish going missing each day, but the fish also explained this.


Either way, good stuff.

Writing - 4/5
Story - 3.5/5

Total - 3.75

Glass encased fish tanks reads very wrong to me. I could very easily be misreading it, in which case I apologize. But it's a fish tank. Its very purpose is to encase. It's a literal box of glass and metal. I also think you actually meant "glass-encased."

Imbedded is a very rare variant of embedded; I suggest using the latter. Imbedded doesn't even come up in most spell-checkers (maybe in Europe... not sure, honestly...)

Also, in the second paragraph: presses his nosed should be nose.

Mother says "Will see them next trip." Should be "We'll"

I'm probably being a bit anal, but personally, I really don't like it when even the first half of the first page in a script gives me pause multiple times for any reason, let alone for something as preventable as obvious typos. It makes a bad impression. I'll stop pointing them out as I go and just focus on the story. But they really are present throughout, so please look out for them. P.S. "angelfish" is a single word. Ahhh. :(

Despite the issues noted above, this is actually very good. It was very endearing. I hated the puns in the best way possible. :) The ending was mean-spirited, but it also made me laugh, so... good job? lol

I actually didn't think the scene with the humans was a waste, as it provided a decent set-up (fish keep going missing). Perhaps it could be cut back, but not cut out, IMO.

"Thank Cod." We have a winner. ;)

"Pacifish"? Stop it already.

"Fin-land"" Oh my gosh. And it's only page 3.

"Buoy meets gill. Buoy loses gill." I'm dying. Stop it.

"A tankless job" It never ends.

;)

Pretty sure this will win as this is great.  One of the best I've read so far.  And it filled the criteria perfectly.

On a side note, are you familiar with the song Wet Dreams?  Google it folks.  I bet the writer knows the song quite well because a lot of these jokes were said in the song.

Full disclosure:  I didn't write this one, tho I wish I did.

Great job.  Ending was dark, way more so than I expected.  

But, now, I'm a bit confused.  

Spoilers

The fish died from getting caught, right?  So, shouldn't the fish float to the top once the clam opens up again?  So, why would the owner say he doesn't know what happens when the truth is, he finds them dead each day?  I don't know how you fix that, but, that is an issue, right?

Dan

Lol cute little story with some nice puns. Nothing new here but the writer knows his stuff

Quoted from DanC The fish died from getting caught, right?  So, shouldn't the fish float to the top once the clam opens up again?  So, why would the owner say he doesn't know what happens when the truth is, he finds them dead each day?  I don't know how you fix that, but, that is an issue, right? Dan

I didn’t write this, but I think you are getting caught up on an issue that doesn’t matter. It's an animation, anything can happen. You have an issue with the fish not floating but no issue with all these fish talking to each other?

Pearl of Wisdom

Short notes: good visuals from the start. Then dialogue was a bit overdone, albeit funny and well-crafted. Heist came short here, hoped you'd give it more space.

story (0-5): 2

character (0-5): 3

presentation (0-5): 4

total: 9

Sort of a perverse take on the dentist bit from Finding Nemo, liked it, well written and the puns kept coming.

That was brilliant.

I’d love to be able to write like this. I could definitely see this as an animation.

Great job with all the puns, I had a chuckle to a few of them :)

Oh, how I wanted to not like this but, damn it, you reeled me in (bubble). Funny and witty. Great job.

You've basically been outed but I won't mention you by name. Very well deserved. I had an inkling it was you.

I hope I don't get you in the second round!

Definately my favourite script of the batch.

Quoted from Warren You've basically been outed but I won't mention you by name. Very well deserved. I had an inkling it was you. I hope I don't get you in the second round! Definately my favourite script of the batch.

Thanks, friend - appreciate the kind words. Congrats on advancing!