Blind Faith by ??? - Short, Horror - A trio of bullies bring a blind kid to a supposedly haunted old church in order to torment him.  - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Ok, read this along with One Hundred Nights which it was paired with.

This was by far the stronger of the two. We had an actual story here and it wasn't bad.

One problem though was all the characters. Five pages doesn't leave much room to build character and having too many makes it hard to build any up. Do we really need the fat kid? I'm not a fan of last names in scripts like this where it doesn't matter either. I'm trying to remember first names and once mentioned last names don't help.

Why does the ghost wave at the blind boy to check his sight? Not sure if that was meant to be comical on purpose but it comes across as so.

I liked the idea of this horribly scarred and deformed ghost being kindhearted and helpful. However when the ghost ends up massacring the boys that expectation went out the window. Too hard not to pass up the decapitated head gag at the end though.

This had a story, was well written, and met the challenge parameters. Winner. Good job.

Overall a solid effort paired up against another solid effort.

Some of the action blocks could be trimmed. A minor issue.

Would have preferred the apparition to be less ghoulish. more mysterious.

Very nice effort given the short time frame

Solid enough effort. I've seen this story before so many times but you only had 48 hours so can't complain that much. I think you can go through and trim some of the descriptions. Maybe even cut out one of the bullies. It was a bit hard to differentiate them so it might help to focus your energy on just two of them.  

I'm a bit confused. Why is Jim the survivor (and blind) at the end? Is that the twist, that the ghost blinded him? Or, was it supposed to be Ricky that exits the church?

Anyway, thought the writing was solid. Best of the scripts I've read so far (still have about half to go.)

BLIND FAITH
Good writing out of the gate.
Great character work from the beginning.
LOVE the dialogue. Exactly how a group of teenagers would speak I think.
On pg 1-2, you got mystery, good characters, fear...liking this.
I’m really wanting Ricky to get his eyes back and kick some ass... those kids are so mean!
OMG I love this story! GREAT job writer.

Great script, the only thing I felt let it down was the dialogue and I can even pin point why, it just didn’t fit well for me.

But that’s a minor nit-pick. I really did enjoy it.

Fun stuff. Echoing what the others had said, you could take out a bully and still have the same story. Also, I think you meant Ricky at the end there, unless Jim got blinded by the ghost. Otherwise, this was good.

Good script. I agree that there might be one too many characters. You got a little bit of sympathy from Bo when he was reluctant to join in and still met his demise. Hard to pull off in 5 pages, but you gave it a solid effort.

Out of the two, this one is indeed stronger, more of a story and told well. The right amount of horror, blood and tension built into a short story.

Good job.

So, did Jimmy get blinded, or did you mix up the names?  

I thought it was pretty good.  It's hard to do something unique in 5 pages.  It was a familiar tale, but, a good one.

I would have preferred to see her adopt Ricky and have Ricky call her mom at the end or something.  Perhaps his mom died and that makes him even more of a target.

Good solid story.
Dan

Yeah whats with the end? If the names are mixed up, surely it would be picked up in a final run through before submitting?  Good concept just needs a bit of work. And ditch those surnames!  Not needed at all

Code EXT.�MEADOWBROOK�BAPTIST�CHURCH�-�DAY A�small,�isolated�structure�of�thin�rotted�wood�and�faded paint.�A�small�parking�lot,�empty.�Around�the�church,�dense woodland�parted�by�a�paved�but�poorly-maintained�road.�A sign�proclaims�-- MEADOWBROOK�BAPTIST�CHURCH GOD�LOVES,�GOD�SAVES

At last, a real writer that knows how to build images. So much in this description and done in 4 lines. Nice. Thank you.

Code Something�rattles�off�in�the�woods,�a�rustle�of�bushes, leaves,�and�twigs.

This is a bit off... like you're running a little scared of getting too deep into this. Please, don't be afraid of using all of the words necessary to build the images and sounds you want me to see and hear. Twigs don't rustle.

I really liked this until the monster at the end and it seems you weren't comfortable writing it.

A good story well told until the tacked on ending that I suppose had to be there.


Writing: 4
Story: 4

Total: 4

Well written and a decent story packed into 5 pages... assume the end has the names mixed up?

Your story... might be good, but the cliche of the jocks picking on the nerd at his locker is seriously one of the most hackneyed over-used openings to a script/movie... at least you substituted the locker for the church... and the nerd for a disadvantage kid.

Did I miss something? I thought Ricky had the walking stick???????????

However, still... there is an interesting idea at the heart of this.

Ghostie

Hey writer, this is not your fault so I'm just going to say....

Sean, you SOB - abusing a blind kid? Made me want to vomit. Made me want to step into the script and kick the living crap out of these snot-nosed SOBs!

Whew! Okay, rant over...

So this is horror and the other entrant is not. Blind kid, check. Baptist Church - sort of. Baptist religion is not really a main component of this script, it's just the location.

The issues I have with this one are (1) it's a pretty predictable horror story; go to an abandoned building, the described monster appears, and the baddies get what they deserve, and (2) the bad kids are one-dimensional. Just evil from the get-go. I know there's an allusion to 'getting some God' into the blind kid and that the mother is a loose woman. But everyone who commits a violent act, other than complete sociopaths, have a misguided reason for doing so. I don't really feel that from these kids. They just feel like evil sociopathic bullies. And for me, combined with the fact that the story itself is predictable....

Well written. But tough choice.

Blind Faith

Short notes: wow, this one drew me in. You mixed them up in the ending but this can happen. Great work.

story (0-5): 4

character (0-5): 4

presentation (0-5): 4

total: 12

To me this one fits the brief.

I thought this story was a bit mean towards Ricky.

The writing was fine, easy to follow, quite visual.

Not bad for two days work.

I don't get why Bo copped it. Didn't he hang around when the others split or acted cowardly?

Trevor calls Bo a chicken-shit for staying put? Oh, okay, you're brave if you leave the kid to his fate.

Ricky should have a trademark cane if blind, not a walking stick imh.

In description when you write: ' Jim and Trevor break shit' do you mean they are actually destroying stuff? Cause really you should keep the slang for dialogue.

Now Jim has a stick too?

Okay, it's well written, no doubt, nice descriptions of the boys, nice visuals and writing for the setup, particularly the opening,  but the story fizzled a bit for me at the end.

I liked this one. Well written but very predictable since bullies always get it in the end. Did the ghost gouge out the eyes of Jim? If so, what happened to Ricky? Good stuff.

I wrote this one and I'll come clean: I fucked up the names in that last scene. It totally was supposed to be Ricky, not Jim, who survived. I was pretty much on autopilot by then and did some last-minute name-changing/juggling... don't know why I did that, never goes well. Lol. The race was close, but I don't think I deserved to win based on that alone. In fact, I like the idea of the monster blinding Jim even more than what I did go with.

Yes, I went the "safe" route with the story, with an average monster-in-an-abandoned-place tale. I did have a different idea that I toyed around with, but it didn't feel like much of a horror story, so I scrapped it.

Some have mentioned the monster's compassion not mingling well with its terrible cruelty at the end of the story. My point was that it sympathized with Ricky (and only Ricky) because Ricky was blind just like her. If I ever expand this one, I'll make sure to drive that point home more clearly. It's still very much an aggressive, vengeful force.

I was very wary of the page limit and wasn't sure if I would "make it," so I did rush the ending. I believe Dustin as well as others mentioned something along those lines.

I am very pleased that people mostly liked the actual writing. I do pride myself somewhat on that, as I've been toiling in the craft for a while now.

This was a great exercise and an awesome experience for me. Thanks, people!

One of the more visual scripts. Although it could go further. You have a gift so why not show off?