Breakfast In The Air by 0 - Short, Comedy - During their morning break, two incapable pilots discuss high politics as they accidentally steer their fighter jet into a flock of deadly Himalaya geese. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Some grammar stumbles out of the block - commas where there should be periods.

Army for Jet planes - not air force?

Comedy is tough - the lines here didn't land for me. Hard topic - difficult challenge though.

Quick nit-pick - the Army doesn't pilot jets. Their "aviators" fly helicopters. You should have went with Navy or the more obvious Air Force.

I feel bad for you and your competitor for having this as a topic.

Writing - 3/5
Story - 2/5

Total - 2.5

Well, at the very end it got so ridiculously over the top it was actually kinda funny. This was a difficult topic so decent effort. Just felt a bit forced.

It was odd.   I thought I had a hard topic, but this was much harder.  

Comedy is hard and there are all different types and what is funny in the USA might not be funny across the pond.  For me, the jokes failed at the beginning, however the ending was so over the top that it worked.

Good job with a hard challenge.

Dan

The absurdity makes it work somewhat. Some of the dialogue I thought fell flat but this seemed like a hard topic to be given.

Good effort.

I kinda liked it. Good visuals in my warped mind. I must admit that I laughed at the thought of him turning around and punching him in the dick. I don't know why but that just struck me as visually hilarious.

Super tough genre and theme. Good work. Right now, I don't care about the details and refinement. Geez, 48 hours, right?

Tough assignment. But, a pretty good run at it.

I felt the humor/style was bit inconsistent. Early pages were less absurd than later pages. (ex: scrambled eggs, etc. hitting the canopy is WAY over the top compared to just the silliness of the first several pages.)

Personally, I preferred the WAY over the top, and would love to see that pulled all the way through.

I, too, laughed hard when the pilot turns around and tries to punch the other guy in the crotch.

Good job at a tough draw. This'll be a hard vote for me.

Really hard topic so I applauded you for getting one up but the comedy didn’t work for me and it just seemed to ramble on.

The writing isn’t bad.

This would make a very funny Monthy Python sketch.

The comedy in here is right up my alley.
I liked it. But it's a sketch in my opinion. If it had an ending to it - it would make a very nice short. It doesn't imo. Geese and their omelets are very funny but out of place funny. Which is a nice element on absurd - thus very sketchy like.

Agree that this was way over the top and the writer kept upping the ante on it. So it did land with some chuckles. This one did make me laugh a couple of times. However it's more aimless with less of a story than its counterpart. Agree that this was a really tough assignment and a good job by all.

Lol this is pretty whacky but done well. I think the writer is not English as some of the grammar and words are twisted a bit but it adds to the overall zaniness.

You did well to pull this topic off, such a tough one.  Glad I never got this one :)

The comedy aspect though was more on the slapstick side for me.  Not sure if that was your intention.

I can't write comedy for shit, and I also have a tin ear for it... I'll chalk this up as a valiant attempt.

I laughed, and that's all that matters. The back and forth banter went on for a little too long in my opinion, but the ending is what made me giggle out loud. Reminded me of a Far Side comic, with the absurdity of the situation and last line and everything.

Code GROUND CONTROL Commander Wankjerker. Nice to hear from you. You're heading toward Afghan mountainside. Be careful to not enter Pakistani airspace, copy that.

(VO).


Ground Control has not been introduced. You should put VO after every bit of dialogue. People producing the script will appreciate you crossing all the Ts.

Right, no time for anything else but a score.

I was bored completely by the end. The dialogue is reaching for funny and not finding it.

Writing: 2
Story: 1

1.5

Way over the top craziness that just kept going until the let's end this with egg bombings!!

That's just how I like it.. No fucks given when it comes to comedy. It's always a hit or miss genre.

Good job