Blood and Feathers by Dena McKinnon (pale yellow)   - Short, Horror - How far would you go to save your savior?  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Code INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Obscured mostly in shadow, a brooding CREATURE watches from behind dark drapery. The only light hits its angular, bony face. Only muscle and bone, this creature. And grotesque.

This is great, but it wants for slightly more. The precise source of the light would help with the visual here for me. Also, the build of the creature is something I'm struggling to find. Just because it has a bony face doesn't automatically make it bony-looking all over. It would only take one word to complete this image.

Code Across the room, a tall, lanky NATHAN CARROLL, 35...

Just 'lanky' is enough.

Code Nathan bends over. Pauses. Then dismissing this feeling, he kisses Starling’s forehead and shuffles out.

Again, some confusing visuals. He bends over, where? Dismisses what feeling? There's no indication of him feeling anything.

Code The creature emerges from the darkness. Tall, at least seven feet, and with a set of feathered wings, hooves for feet, it walks to the bed, kneels down.

It's awkwardly structured. Still no indication as to the actual build of the creature.

Code ...the rope is taught.

Taut.

Code ANGEL You think you can butcher me up like any old farmyard animal?

cringe-worthy dialogue... like a cheesy one-liner from a bad action film.

Code ANGEL Stop this foolishness and let me get on. That girl’s living in a prison of her own ya know.

hm... more bad dialogue from the Angel.

Code ANGEL Stop this foolishness and let me get on. That girl’s living in a prison of her own ya know. NATHAN You will never take her! ANGEL I have a job to do. NATHAN Over my dead body!

You could just cut all of this and the story would be a lot better. This is OTN and simply unnecessary.

Decent story that needs a lot of work.

Writing: 2.5
Story: 4

3.25

Start out clunky from a writing perspective - it took two reads to clearly see where are the characters were in the scene.

Starting picking up steam after that - I liked it. Good entry. Solid premise.

Chainsaw is one word.

Damn, dark story when you sit down and think about it. Nathan was trying to stop his cancer-ridden daughter from being taken to heaven. Probably the best premise I've read so far.

Writing - 4/5
Story - 4.5/5

Total - 4.25

Personal prison check.
Horror check.
I can imagine all three characters acting this way.  Dialog is a bit clunky and cliché.
Good execution of parameters.

The only nitpick is the description that goes from demon to angel.  I was confused as to why.
Also couldn't tell if Azazel was evil or not.  Angels are typically shown to be good, while demons are evil.  But if he's evil why take a form to ease the girl?

Good job.
Dan

Very interesting story-wise. Execution needs work. I think you could up the mystery/suspense if they're both afraid of the Angel... and/or we don't know it's an Angel at all till much later.

Maybe the father has been telling the daughter something evil is coming for her, and we the audience are led to believe the same thing.

I don't know, maybe that's not the problem and it's just the dialogue. There's a lot of lines that could do with some tweaking for example...

STARLING
I’ve heard of guardian angels
before, but I’ve never seen one.

**I don't think you need a line here at all. We see it's a guardian angel and she'd probably be too shocked to say anything.

ANGEL
Stop this foolishness and let me
get on. That girl’s living in a
prison of her own ya know.

**I don't know if that's a southern accent or what but it doesn't sound like an Angel. Not that I know any personally. But I don't think they'd talk like this.

Definitely work on trimming/tweaking the dialogue. There's a good story here. Nice job overall.

I'm kind of up the middle on this one.

In one respect it doesn't fit the criteria because it's not a literal prison. I get that Starling is in her own personal prison, however as I understand the challenges laid forth for us, the modifiers are not supposed to be figurative.

I like the fact that Starling sees Azeal as an angel, of course different from how her father does. And there's a huge emotional payoff to this script that I wish the writer would have mined more, instead of concentrating on the blood and guts part. I get the fact that it was necessary in order to tick the horror box, I guess.

Little point of logic, and again this is well-written and emotional so it's more like grading an AP Calc paper - not sure why the angel was able to be subdued by the father. Also, I think the father being able to see the Angel negates the magic - we can buy the innocence of children and the fact that Starling is sick for the fact that she is able to see him, but why is the father able? Would it stand to reason then that all parents in this universe could see all Angels of Death?

Again, up the middle on it - was good, I think it has the potential to be so much better if the emotion was concentrated on.

Nailed it. Very cool. I recognize the writing style but can't put my finger on exactly who wrote this. I liked the reveal and your interpretation of a private prison.

Great work for 48 hours.

You guys please do not waste time reading this one.

I have been told it completely breaks the parameters. I will read all the others but I'm disqualified. And I've asked Don to trash this one.

Thank you to those who read. I'll get through all the reads this week. :)

Love and Light.

Quoted from Pale Yellow You guys please do not waste time reading this one. I have been told it completely breaks the parameters. I will read all the others but I'm disqualified. And I've asked Don to trash this one. Thank you to those who read. I'll get through all the reads this week. :) Love and Light.

Seriously?

Don't do this!!!! It's a pairing I read and the other contestant did equally, even more imo, derail from the criteria. Not saying that I vote for or against you. Honestly, delete your comment quickly.

Don't trash this one! It was great. I liked it a lot. How did it break the parameters? Was it because the prison was not a 'private prison'? It probably would've been better if Starling was too weak to move and go to the barn. I get why she did, but if she were really trapped in her own prison--her body--then she should've been too weak to get up or something. Or were the parameters broken because it is revealed that the angel is not actually a guardian angel? Good job anyway!

How does it break the parameters? Interesting, I thought we were supposed to decide for ourselves.

Blood And Feathers

Short notes: The girl hitting her father with a shovel wasn't believable/established enough. Then you really let the girl emotionally lose the script… I'm not satisfied or agree with this decision, no matter which genre it is. It was a big mistake imo and completely harmed what I otherwise experienced as well-crafted storytelling with lots of nice action elements.

story (0-5): 2

character (0-5): 2

presentation (0-5): 4

total: 8


@ after reading your criteria I must do some adjustments.

1: As it seems, you have laid out the private prison location as a situation of "captured at home". I don't agree with that interpretation –2 point
2. While the Guardian Angel is a thematically subject of the script, the character shown and his role for the script is no way what I'd connect with a guardian angel -2 points. It's a too subtle interpretation for me.

NEW TOTAL: 4 Points

Dena, I disagree about the parameters not being met.  She was in a personal prison.  And she did see an angel.  It wasn't a guardian angel per se  but pretty close.

How can the other one  not be DQD for the same reason??  The other one was a ghost, not a guardian angel.

I would have voted for this one.

Remember Bill's amazing story "the elevator most belonging to Alice?".  That stretched the elevator rule a zillion ways, and was amazing.

Just my 2 cents

Dsn

I'm so sorry you pulled that out as it's a great entry, Dena. And what's best - someone can film it.

The only thing I think in terms of feedback here - you could have the Dad say it's Azazello first. Otherwise, it's a bit of ON for me at the end.

Thanks guys and girls for reading this and giving me some notes. I do plan on cleaning it up. It was last minute as always and I do like the story, heck, maybe I'll film it one day :)

Hi Dena,

This is a really great story.

The dialogue could definitely use a bit if tightening up, but it has the bones of a great piece.

Just a few things, I'd lose the slow mo, not so much because it a camera direction, more because I don't think it adds anything.

I think if you wanted a slow mo this is where I would put it.

Quoted Text But they are gone.

So I don't think they should both be gone, as that's not really how it works. I think the Angel should go and her lifeless body should drop to the ground or maybe into her father's arms, as if just her soul/essence, whatever you want to call it was taken. I think this would make more sense, and be more effective in slow motion if you were that way inclined.

Anyway, they are really small issues.

Regardless it's a solid script.

Thanks Warren. I need to give it a rewrite. May film this one day myself. Appreciate all the feedback.

A little excited.  I'm going to be filming this in January!! Working on rewrite from these great notes.  

I look forward to seeing it.

The hardest part is that I am looking to find someone to make real mechanical feathers ... an open span of 7 feet... that will open and close smoothly.

Produced:

Dena,

Very nice.  Well done.  Congrats.

Ditto to that!

Dena, I admire you for getting stuck in and doing it for yourself.

Tip of the hat, Dena!

Nicely done.

This was:

Excellent!!! Excellent!!! Excellent!!! Excellent!!! Excellent!!! ... ... ...

From his point of view, the bad angel was completely evil.

From the little girl's point of view he was an angel of light.

What a beautifully done short.

You should be proud of yourself.

Sandra :) :) :)

Liked this a lot, the duality was excellent.

Good job!

Thanks guys.. and girls.. it was VERY hard to SHOW the different POVs with what I had to work with. After you film something you always realize there are plot problems.. unbelievable problems... things like that. I wish one day that I can learn to catch those type things ya know. It's so hard with your own writing to find those things.. that's why notes like we get here on ss are so IMPORTANT. Enjoyed filming it. Learned a lot. Again. LOL

Congrats !