The Lazy Eye by 0 - Short, Comedy - 0 - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Not sure that INTERMISSION is a time of day.,
I know it's gnna sound odd in a 48hr challenge, but, the work feels rushed, at least on the dialogue side of things. It feels like filler, as is if you wanted to expand a 4 page script to a 5 page script and you had fifteen minutes or less before the deadline.

Code DENNIS (CONT’D) I just wanna get you back for all you’ve done to me. CARL Don’t you mean done for me?

Too OTN. Took me away from the tension.

Code The symphony halls looms in the distance.

Typo.

Code LISA You sound like a psychopathic.

Awkwardly phrased.

Code CARL I’M NOT A FUCKIN’ PSYCHOPATHIC!

Same again.

Code NEWSCASTER A local man was placed into custody today after he had a suspected psychiatric episode.

A newscaster wouldn't get it wrong. The man had a psychotic episode.

Code NEWSCASTER A local man was placed into custody today after he had a suspected psychiatric episode. His wife placed a 5150 on him until he can receive further psychiatric evaluation.

In fact, all of this is off for a Newscaster.

His entire plan rested upon his brother being bothered by a security guard's lazy eye. Not the best. Mostly well written but the story falls apart.

Out of 5:

Writing: 3
Story: 2

Total: 2.5

I had fun reading this.

The only thing - if Carl knows Dennis is to set him up why he would get psychotic? That's too easy and doesn't ring true. Might add something there to make it plausible. One moment he's thanking him, next he suspects Dennis set him up...

I had fun seeing that Dennis is cracked. And the last scene was a lot of fun. could have made the first one funnier - it's your opening and it's a way too serious. It has to have a comedic promise I think.

Chuckled at the introduction to Dennis. Caught me off guard big time.

"Characters talking about stuff they already know, only to serve the audience" issue happening on the first page.

I think you mean "psychopath."

Pretty funny ending. I'd love to hear a news anchor say "5150," haha.

Writing 3/5
Story 2.5/5

Total - 2.75

Dialogue was on the nose a bit too often, and I agree with Dustin that the plot point of the lazy eye seems forced. And the modifier, something that takes place in a symphony hall, is random here as compared to the competing script in which the symphony hall is the entire setting.

A few typos throughout made me pause. You're instead of your and vice-versa. Those kinds of things. A handful of times, the dialogue becomes incomprehensible due to these typos: Sorry, Dennis gotta get back to the best fuckin� show on Earth. Here, Carl seems like he's literally apologizing because Dennis has to get back, which I know is not what the writer meant. Mistakes like these can kill a script. The very end of the script is also fucked up. You FADE OUT with a colon, then have blank page.

Overall, the writing truly wasn't horrible, but having this amount of errors in a 5-page screenplay is really, really pushing it. I get that there was a time-limit, but the errors were too frequent not to mention.

I don't get the psychopathic line. Psycho, psychopath, sure. Psychopathic? I've never heard it like that.

Some of the lines in this were chuckle-worthy, didn't laugh out loud, but it wasn't dead on arrival or anything.

Technically, this is funnier than its competitor, but I'm not too sure who to give the vote to because this one's also less polished.

This one was a very quick read.  I enjoyed this one.

The story moved well, a good start, funny ending.  It's not bad.

Missing word on page 3,  the Security Guard’s lazy 'eye' is dead focused on him.

Typo on page 4, Carl, I 'k'now it!

Solid effort for the time allowed.

While I liked the overall premise - the device to cause insanity (a lazy eye) seemed an odd choice. Didn't seem like the type of thing that would put one over the edge.

Close competition here.

It’s an enjoyable enough read, didn’t enjoy it as much as the other script though.

Too much "fuck" throughout for my taste.

Did get a few laughs so congrats on that.

Lol I like how the symphony hall is just thrown in there for the challenge. I kept thinking about the Beach Boys when I read Carl and Dennis!!  Anyway you had a bit of fun with this.

It was pretty good, but, I felt the other one was funnier.  I guess it's a case of the comedy in the other was better than this one, again, IMO.

It was a pretty solid story, but, I don't know why that bugged him so much.  Perhaps if we had some sort of precursor as to why he'd flip out, it'd make more sense.

Dan

I know it's a comedy but it was just too outlandish for me. The entire plan relies on a lazy eye driving someone insane. I assumed the eye was one of the challenge parameters but I see it's Symphony Hall. I can't get past the eye thing, apparently neither could Carl.

Solid effort for 48 hours though.

Very blah? Just didn't click for me. Seemed too rushed as characters were always in some busy hurry so never got a sense for the story, if there was one. Just a guy annoyed by a guard's lazy eye? Not much meat on that bone.

I liked it! Lots of tension and awkward situations. Good stuff.

Question I have however is why Dennis was suddenly on the couch with plastic sex dolls. That sort-of came out of nowhere.

Sorry just didn't really get this.

The story setup just didn't strike me as believable, e.g. I've been to theatre, concerts, cinema etc... the only place I have ever seen security do what they do here is at a football match...

I guess his brother could have set it up, but that's not explicit and I don't buy why someone with lazy eye would set off a psychotic episode... and then end with the sex doll - why?

This one felt too forced and OTN. Not too much to laugh at here. Comedy is rough, eh?

The Lazy Eye

Short notes: Honestly, go away from the (CONT'D), keep them behind, it's so distracting and states insecurity and and and…. I as your reader know exactly where I am. Trust your dialogues flow itself. Sorry, that I load it on you since others equally do that, imo, mistake, but it was all so nicely flowing here and then my eye can't understand why a Carl suddenly is a Carl (Cont'd), every single time again when it changes. Yeah, he better f******* continues. Even pros who could literally do anything do it sparse. Sorry, sorry, and sorry for that little excursion. Story: I laughed out three times, very pleasant laughs. The ending isn't kicking it full. Too little context it has there and I hoped for a final confrontation of them. I'll count on my laughs of course, writer.

story (0-5): 4

character (0-5): 4

presentation (0-5): 2

total: 10

A big thank you to everyone who read and commented! I know this script had more than a few issues, but it was fun to write and hopefully gave a few readers a laugh or two.

Good luck to PKCardinal (who kicked my butt in the voting in this bracket) in the next rounds.