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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Dramedy Scripts  /  Death by Cornbread
Posted by: Don, March 23rd, 2018, 6:36pm
Death by Cornbread by Gina York - Short, Dramedy, Dark Comedy - Bickering interlopers must put aside differences and chose the lesser evil: evacuate their New York apartment to objectionable locations, or face extermination by an assassin. 41 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted by: Flossy Freeman, April 7th, 2018, 10:45am; Reply: 1
Bickering interlopers must put aside differences and chose the lesser evil: evacuate their New York apartment to objectionable locations, or face extermination by an assassin, The X-Man.

Synopsis by: Gina Mae York and Jackie-Lou

A few minutes before dawn, sunlight casts three blurred shadows on what appears to be a 12’ x 12’ scrim: Grand Más, the group's elder, a self-deprecating trickster woman, Tardis and Jabberwocky. They are waiting on the group’s scout, Searcher, to return with possible relocation options. Dorcas enters the hallway in manic mode. He asks about the X-Man’s ETA. They are all aware that the X-Man has been sent to kill them.

Searcher returns and notices a peculiar smell. Jabberwocky has bathed himself in citronella oil and tea tree oil to protect him from insects when they go outside. They begin discussing the possible relocation options. They debate the merits and logistics of an HOA in Georgia, an Upstate New York Mansion rented out to the tv/film industry, or a farm in Colorado.

Searcher has told them all wild stories about the death of their friends, “Jimmy” and “Cornbread”, which are reminiscent of Jimmy Hoffa. This makes everyone cautious about leaving. No one really knows which, if any, of the “cornbread” stories are true.

As they are discussing options and the impending arrival of the X-Man, a knock on the door brings Grand Más and Jabberwocky out of the darkness and Jabberwocky to a plastic covered couch. Ester, their host, is sitting on the couch sweating and drinking her morning coffee. Ester rises to answer the door spilling her coffee. A sweaty, coffee citronella and tea tree oil melee ensues between Ester and Jabberwocky. But, it wasn’t the X-Man as feared, it was Hillary, an end of life saleswoman who is summarily sent away by Ester with a threat of reporting her under New York's Door-to-Door Sales Protection Act.

Searcher tells more “cornbread” stories, each one more fantastical than the last. Amidst the stories, the group endeavors to reach a decision on where and if they should relocate before the X-Man arrives. However, various trivialities and problems repeatedly derail their decision- making process. They all have reasons to remain where they are including wanting to live close to a Sprouts, meeting an online rival for an MTV special, and getting makeup tips from a New York Drag Queen

They are just about to take a final vote. With no decision made, they have run out of time as the X-Man finally knocks on the door. It’s “Donald Drumpf”. He assures Ester that she should “rest easy” and that he’s only there to bomb her house for roaches. The “scrim” is in fact, a fumigation tent. Everyone moves from out of the shadows and their physical forms are revealed, The Rappin’ Roaches.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1bNpOtiEc4tqOm_Gh-Tdh4EKlIzYmypR-/view?usp=sharing
Posted by: Gerasimos, April 7th, 2018, 11:02am; Reply: 2
half way there, you'll have mine by tomorrow!
Posted by: HyperMatt, April 7th, 2018, 2:47pm; Reply: 3
That's a great title!
Posted by: Flossy Freeman, April 14th, 2018, 11:48am; Reply: 4
Thanks ;)!  The story is even better, now - thanks to Gerasimos who's kept me focused the past week.
Posted by: eldave1, April 16th, 2018, 11:33am; Reply: 5
Hell, Gina: I gave the first ten a read.

Sorry - it wasn't really for me - too chaotic I think. But that surely may be a taste thing as well as an age thing (I'm an older fok).

A couple of real nitty issues:


Quoted Text
SUPERTITLE: "New York City 2017" projected on what appears to
be a 12'x 12' scrim.


Scrim is a bit unknown. Had to google it - maybe just me.


Quoted Text
Sunrise casts BLURRED SHADOWS of THREE adult males. GRAND
MS the group's ELDER, spins his pencil-thin mustache and
wears modified Steampunk goggles. TARDIS, 73, and
JABBERWOCKY, 30, remain in the shadows.


A bit confusing - they're blurred by shadows - yet we are getting precise descriptions of Grand Mas.


Quoted Text
FANCY FREEMAN (NARRATOR)
("Fancy" by Reba McEntire)
"I remember it all very well
lookin' back it was the summer I
turned eighteen. We lived in a
one-room rundown shack.... "


Is this being sung or recited?

Like I said - nitty issues.

Macro observations:

You use unfilmabes throughout. e.g.,

Jabberwocky is youthful in years, but an injury to his ego
left him a timid cripple who is oft afraid of his own shadow.

He bites his nails, looks at the floor, and paces

DORCAS, 21, enters the hallway in manic mode. He's a
vivacious good-looking male of Irish descent, complete with
freckles, sky blue eyes, a ginger mop, and a skip in his step
that bounces his curlies in unison. He lived in the South as
a yoot and developed a very peculiar dialect.


Tardis built layers surviving extreme famine and intense
pressure by his ability to adapt. Rumor has it he's even
been to space. He and Rock-N-Roll Widow were once an item.


SEARCHER, 40, a soldier, dressed in all black, presses his
ear against the front door. He is a perceived to be sneaky
because he knows where all the bodies are buried, but more
importantly, how they got there.


Now - you obviously are technically skilled so your use of them is purposeful. For the most part I think they work - cleverly written and vivid. But IMO they're a bit wasted. As an example:


Quoted Text
He is a perceived to be sneaky
because he knows where all the bodies are buried, but more
importantly, how they got there


Is clever. Why not get it into the film? - i.e., thru dialogue. e.g.,

GRAND MAS
where's Searcher?

JABBEROWCKY
Sneaky fuck, knows where all the bodies are buried.

GRAND MAS
More importantly - how they got there.

Not that exactly - but the point being some of your best writing is in the unfilmables and I think you should find a way to get it into the film.

To my ear - Grand Mas, Dorcas and Searcher's voices tend to  blend together - although I'm sure it's purposeful - it's hard to distinguish them character wise as one reads.  Everyone is kind of over the top/on steroids here which to my ear kinds of makes them blend together. Like having three deadpool characters in one film.

Again - just my thoughts. See what others think. I do think you have talent - the story is just not my cup of tea.  


Posted by: Flossy Freeman, April 16th, 2018, 1:14pm; Reply: 6
First, and most importantly, having three Deadpool characters in one film would be the shit! :). Your other comments, however, were spot on and I appreciate them very much!  I will definitely incorporate in next revision and clarify where possible.  Thanks again! Gina
Posted by: eldave1, April 16th, 2018, 1:23pm; Reply: 7

Quoted from Flossy Freeman
First, and most importantly, having three Deadpool characters in one film would be the shit! :). Your other comments, however, were spot on and I appreciate them very much!  I will definitely incorporate in next revision and clarify where possible.  Thanks again! Gina


You're more than welcomed. Glad they helped.
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