Niger Delta by Jordan Breen - Drama - In the corrupt turmoil of Nigeria, a fragile mother/aid worker uncovers a dangerous truth that holds the key to liberating its citizens. (Based on true events). 93 pages

contest: Finalist in 2010 Script Pipeline and All Access. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Interesting. Put in on my list of reads.

Thanks Matt,
Please let me know if I can read anything in return, mate.

I've got a personal interest, as my family is originally from Lagos.

Wow. Then I very much look forward to your feedback.

Thanks again.

Very interesting stories in that country. Did you ever see, or read the novel 'Half of a Yellow Sun?'

I like how you have compacted the story into 94 pages. It indicates a tight story. That's the kind of length I aspire too.
The Gandhi quote should be under BLANK SCREEN?, but it does the job, I suppose you have left it for the film-maker's how would present it. I would just show it over the beginning scene.

Up to page 6… And I like what I have read so far. You do great openings, and they involved children (actually only 2 that I have read, I am thinking of ‘Feed Her’).
Great Gandhi quote to get us in the mood, that this is going to be an intelligent piece. I can see why this was shortlisted
I think I have come to love the ‘we see’ description tool. It is very elaborately written, especially page 1, you are very confident in the story, you know exactly what you want, the sounds, the music, the mood, impressive. I can see a lot of arguments with you and the director on the scenes, unless you direct it yourself of course.
Pg. 1 what melody is the girl humming, or did you mean ‘a’ melody?
You do do great openings and they somehow always involve children.
A good set up as to why our protagonist is going to Nigeria. Eva’s character is well presented, especially with her daughter. Strong, sympathetic heroine (a young Meryl Streep).
You use ‘a beat’ a lot, quite a lot. It is not a tool that I like, but others love it, but used quite a lot in the first 5 pages.
I’m just up to Lagos airport, or Murtala Muhammed International Airport. Boy I’ve got terrible experiences in that place. (including taking my mother's body back for burial.
Very specific script as I said, I like the way you use classical music within the story, especially when Eva goes through her research.
You might consider also turning this into a novel. You seem to have a fertile imagination, and I am arrogant enough to think that it is easier writing a novel than a screenplay, but what do I know.
You’ve either had some experience with this world or done a tone of research. Didn’t expect that from an Aussie, which sounds really ignorant.
Nice, I’ll leave a comment when I’m done.

Matthew.

Thank you Matthew.
I so very much appreciate your insight, especially as you have a connection with Lagos.
It was very interesting feedback so again, thank you. Looking forward to your final thoughts.

I'm up to the priest in the church finding the gun Eva rejected. Quite interesting so far.

I thought I would be able to finish this by the weekend. I am only halfway. But I have to say that from what I have read so far, this is a highly accomplished work. I don't want to speed through it, but enjoy every moment. The characters are believable and really go through a baptism of fire. Standouts for me is corrupt coward Preston, and Governer Ajani, who reminds of a mad Roman Emperor.

Thanks Matt!

Hi Jordan,

This reads like a pro script. I haven’t read it all but will attempt to if I have the time. I read the beginning, parts in the middle and the end.

The writing is fantastic. Your dialogue is flawless.

I hope you are trying to put this under someone’s nose, maybe a few good writing comps.

Really solid stuff.

You'll enjoy it Warren.
This is a learning script.

Quoted from HyperMatt You'll enjoy it Warren. This is a learning script.

I don’t read features often, but this is definitely at the top of my list when the mood strikes.

Jordan - short on time but did have a chance to look at the first ten.  

Overall impressions. You're a solid writer. Dialogue is a strength. Imagination is a strength.

IMO - There are some places where it is over written and where you could be more efficient.

Most of my comments are in the nit variety - i.e., the story - at least the first ten - is compelling. Anyway -

The Opening Page

To me - the opening SUPER would work far more effectively embedded in the opening scene - perhaps right after the rusted out fuel sign.

In the opening, the we sees and we pans etc got a bit tedious/redundant and took a away a bit from an otherwise very visual setting.  It's also just slightly over written in places. Examples:

Quoted Text EXT. NIGERIA - NIGER DELTA - DAY We travel over the tree covered peaks of the Niger Delta. Miles from civilization, from anything remotely human. As the tranquility of the scene is absorbed, humming from a soft, child-like voice fades in.

- Don't need to mention Niger delta - it's already in the header
- Miles from..covers it. From anything remotely human is overkill and not exactly true since in the very next scene there is a human. I would go with something like:

EXT. NIGERIA - ABOVE THE NIGER DELTA - DAY

An AFRICAN HAWK soars over tree covered peaks.  Tranquil - miles from civilization.

Humming from a soft, child-like voice fades in...

Quoted Text EXT. NEW YORK CITY - DAY It’s peak hour as surging pedestrians battle congested traffic. Soothing over the hustle and bustle of city life however, is the classical music of MOZART.

- I would add STREET to the Header
- Don't think you need peak hour - it's implied by your description. Just start with surging pedestrians.

Quoted Text The drifting cords flux together as a bus door opens. People spill onto the sidewalk. Among them EVA HARRIS (35), a woman with a pale complexion and wafer-thin figure.

Don't know what drifting cords flux together means.

Don't need a woman - Eva implies that. i.e., just need.

....Among them EVA HARRIS (35), pale complexion, wafer-thin.

Quoted Text The world around her is sedated by the peaceful melody as she approaches Lenox Hill hospital, a ten story establishment located on Manhattan's upper East side.

If you put Manhattan in your header you don't need it here. e.g.,

EXT. NEW YORK CITY - STREET IN MANHATTAN -  DAY

Then the above can simply be:

as she approaches Lenox Hill hospital, a ten story building.

Quoted Text A beat, then a light bulb moment sees Claire get up and walk out of the kitchen. Eva takes chase.

You over use "beat" IMO - think I've read four of them now. Mix it up. Also, get up and walk out is pretty pedestrian.

Make this something like:

An awkward silence.  Then Claire's eyes widen - a light bulb moment. She bolts from the kitchen.

Eva takes chase.

Quoted Text INT. TAXI

Based on the action that follows - the header is wrong. Maybe;

INT/EXT. TAXI - NIGERIAN ROAD  (TRAVELLING) - DAY

Quoted Text A black hand shifts through the gears. The DRIVER (43), a balding indigenous man is behind the wheel, cigarette in mouth. Bad African music plays from the radio.

You do this a lot in your descriptions - unnecessary "is" - flip it to avoid the is- i.e.,

Behind the wheel, a Nigerian DRIVER (43), balding, clenches a cigarette between his teeth.

What is bad African music?

Quoted Text LT. HAWKINS -- Then I suggest you borrow some. I also suggest you lose the diamond. Our neighbors in Sierra Leone wouldn’t appreciate it.

You don't need the --

Several places where you do this.

Anyway - these are real nitty issues is there was nothing in the ten pages that would keep me from reading on rather than time. Hope the comments help - you got some skills, dude.

Yeah, what is Bad African music? - maybe one of the American Idol-style artists whose music never really travels out fo the country.

G’day Jordan!

I finally read the whole script and I have to say, was a tense, intelligent piece of work, a joy to read. The script was unpredictable. I could not see where it was going and I like the way you made us feel some characters had been killed off when they were not. Like the sea food platter scene, like the ending cemetery scene. This is not Out Of Africa, this is more African Queen. (The relationship between Eva and Hawkins reminded of that film at times, I don’t know why) You can feel the dirt, the heat, the flies.

I think the main theme of the story is corruption, how Nigeria is exploited in so many ways, the incredible gulf between the bloated rich and the hungry poor. Always thought the scale of corruption in my country of origin is astounding, would like to see this explored more in film. It is a theme that is explored quite well in the traumatic story that follows. I like the logic of why there are so many Western parties interested in the oil here, does not come with the problems of the Middle East. I like the way you have mixed fact and fiction. The story takes place in presidency of Olusegun Obasanjo, which means it is set between 1999 to 2007. There is obviously a lot of truth here that has required a lot of research, but I am not sure if there is any truth to the white eyeball condition, don’t’ know if that refinery exists, Hell I don’t even know if Ajani is a real person like Obasanjo after several Google searches.
The dialogue is great, as well as helping reveal character and explore your themes.
It is incredibly authentic in some places. I take it you have had some connection to Nigeria. Either that, or you’ve done some kind of thesis where you’ve had to research it like hell.

There is a lot of imagery that sticks in my head, the two pieces of tape used to make a red cross, Ajani’s sea food platter banquet. A lot of images stay in the mind, like the priest killing a soldier and then being killed in a hail of bullets and Jones’ blood stained death.
You don’t flinch showing the hard hitting brutal reality of being in a conflict zone, some of it was tough reading. A lot of things I couldn’t write. The short scene with the rebels, Eva, Hawkins and the boiling oil was uncomfortably tense.
The action scenes are taut and kinetically paced, like a good Vietnam movie.
Eva was a very strong feminine character, typical of a lot of strong American women on film, but she is completely taken out of her comfort zone and tested to her limits, but the ordeal makes her stronger. As I said, this kept reminding me of African Queen, which is strange because the story is so removed from that. Maybe it was Hepburn’s strong woman in that. I think a lot of actresses would love a role like that, which is why I think you should really push the script. I like the way the relationship between her and Hawkins was played out, not to heavy. You felt them bonding through this very tough adventure. The scenes in the Ogoni village were very touching and personal.
Great work with the Nigerian soldiers and the rebels, you really captured their and chaos.
Like the way you play with fact and fiction. I’m not sure if the eyeball effect of the pollutants is an actual thing.
You use all the tools in the book to convey characters, I love little things like ‘slapping against their Armani suits’ to show how corrupt they are, and how they cower on the sounds of gunshots.
President Obasanjo, I was surprised he was such an involved character in the story. He was really 3 dimensional and sympathetic.
My favourite of course is Governor Ajani, the pompous, sadistic Idi-Amin style sociopath. He has some great dialogue. I was getting real pissed that he was not going to get a bloody end, but his last scene and that blurb, I could not think of a better fate. You got me thinking he was a real person, I Googled him with no results. I love the way he treated suited Preston like his bitch. That scene where he left Preston on the highway is a classic. A lot of actors would love to play that part, the Nigerian Caligula.
The 93 page length is perfect, it leaves no room for plodding, I cannot think of a boring section of the script, that is why I wanted to read it slowly, take everything in.

Beat tool is used less as the story goes on, but it is still an irritant, for me personally that is.
You have to end ALL your sluglines with time of day, either DAY, NIGHT, etc.

I think if you kept pushing it, something would happen. The quality is so high. I would be really interested in how long it took you to write this and how many drafts you have done. An intelligent, thought-provoking story. This is the best script that I have read in entirety on this site, short or feature.

You should put it everywhere, the Blacklist, Big Break everywhere. I have a feeling that if you keep pushing it, something will happen. But that’s just my opinion.

Nice work.

P.S. Love to see you do a script on the death of Sani Abacha. That would make a great film!

Hi Matt, Warren & Dave,

Thank you so much for your comments and insight. I'm thrilled it had such an impact. In regards to your question, I've had a few meetings with some L.A-based
companies who have praised "Niger Delta" but in the end too cautious of the large budget.

The script is just too big. No one is going to back a large production from an unproduced, untested writer, especially when I live all the way in Gold Coast Australia.

Unfortunately it's all about who you know over what you know and I need a named talent to really push something of this magnitude. Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe audiences would rather see yet another Batman or Spiderman instalment over the real life injustices of our world. Anyway, thank you again. I appreciate your kind words and input.  

Keep reading and writing :)

Oh and Matt, the script took about 7 months from start to finish with about 4 rewrites if I remember correctly.

It is quite epic. Reminded me of the film ‘The Promise’. But it won’t hurt to keep it out there. ‘Unforgiven’ took decades.

Hi Jordan, what I've read so far...

Really, really good.

Of course Aussie talent shines.  :D

Get it out there. Obviously leave it up here on SS but also enter Nicoll and Page and get it on Scriptshadow is my advice. Maybe even the Blacklist.

Whannell and Wan were a couple of  struggling filmmakers once too.

We all start somewhere.

Try to attach a director who will work development with you. Easier than trying to get actors or funding.

Thanks heaps LC & Ajr,
Good advice. From all this positive feedback I'm receiving, I will throw it out in the "jungle" once again.