Jade Rides Uber - Print Topic

Posted by: Don, March 29th, 2018, 10:39pm

Jade Rides Uber - The Mix Tape by Austin Valdez - Short, Comedy - Ever had an Uber driver try to advertise their own demo mix tape to their captive . . . uh, customer? Jade has . . . 3 pages - pdf, format

Jade Rides Uber - The Speedster by Austin Valdez - Short, Comedy - You ever ride with an Uber driver who never used their brake pedal? Jade has . . . - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: khamanna, March 29th, 2018, 11:14pm; Reply: 1

Hi, Austin.

I'd get rid of asides. You have too many of them, especially on p2 - there's a chunk of it starting with "Right away..."
It would read much crisper without them I think.

Posted by: jayrex, March 30th, 2018, 5:35am; Reply: 2

I saw someone requesting these scripts on Reddit, if you're unaware, search for it on there using Uber, you'll find it.

SPOILERS

The mix tape one worked best for me out of the two. Although I did wonder how she heard anything to respond if she couldn't hear. Might be good to write a sentence on what she can hear if anything at all.

The Speedster, didn't like that exhilarating line, sounds nuts to come close to death in that scenario and say that. The ending though works, so I'd work on that backwards. Focus on the driver.

Not bad overall.

Posted by: AustinT, April 2nd, 2018, 5:43pm; Reply: 3

Thanks for the feedback!

I wrote these two on a lark (in between writing other projects), but I hadn't noticed those issues. I really appreciate you guys pointing them out.

I'll work on it and post an update for these scripts.

In the meantime, I would also appreciate it if you guys took a look at another short film script I posted here. If you have the time, let me know what you think!

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/ThisIsForYoun2n.pdf

Until then,
Happy Writing!