Frecklebug by Anthony Cawood (AnthonyCawood) writing as XXX - Short, Family, Children's Fantasy - A father reassures his daughter about her freckles, neither of them realising the magical nature of their creation. 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Lighthearted and fun. Weird alien bug. I'll take it!

Nice premise, think the bug needs more to bring it life.

This could easily go horror with little effort. It's sweet but makes my skin crawl too. What is that bug doing to leave that mark?!

Nice story. Simple and effective.

Not usually my thing a cutesy story, but I thought it was quite good for a one pager. Especially the end, sense of magic, reminded me of Pan's Labyrinth.

What's BG stand for?

So is this a fantasy world where this is normal, or a fantastical occurrence in the real world?

Hard to give it what it need in one page.

Quoted from ScottM What's BG stand for?

I think it stands for background?

Cute story, though I feel like nothing much happened. Granted, it's one page but I feel like you could've done a little more with this. Reduce the dialogue and include more action. Maybe have the girl wake up in the middle of the night and see the bug before it flies off, and then she says "Special..." and falls back asleep. I dunno. It felt like there was more to this!

Is a Frecklebug part of children's lore? Or did you invent it? If so, props to you, Dad, (if you are one).

A lot of people here seem to think a script is lacking if it doesn't have a twist. I don't agree. This one accomplishes exactly what it set out to do.

Frecklebug

Nice little children tale… What else there is to say? This could work at the right place-
4

Cute little story. Not a whole lot to it, but enjoyable regardless.

Another one with no fade in or out that would have exceeded the page count.

Maybe it's just me, but I feel like a screenplay needs a transition in and a transition out, even if it is one page.

I'd be interested to know if the writers of the no fade in/out scripts generally don’t include them.

Nice story overall. There's some things in the dialogue that stuck out for me. Mostly your use of the word "but" through a series of exchanges. I'm guilty of using "well" a lot when I write dialogue so I know the pain.

Just thought I'd give you a heads up on that but you might want to ask someone else for their opinion.  It might be a personal nit of mine and nothing more :p

I thought this was well written.  Crisp and clean. The story is a small one - but those are the types I enjoy. Good job

Decent

It's like the fairy tooth mother but for freckles.  I thought it strange the girl would quietly cry and say she thinks she likes the frecklebug.  Not unless it's cries of joy?  It just doesn't go together for me.

Enjoyed it. Cute and heartwarming.

Okay, you all don't find the Frecklebug a bit creepy, masquerading as sweet?

Marks for pure originality, but on film this would be... downright creepy!

There is such a fine line between cute, creepy, comedy, horror, etc.

This is such a story.  It was written to be cute, but it could be horror if expanded upon.

Solid 4.

Dan

Writer,

I like this one, too. Another story that seems there should be more to it. However, pretty decent as it is.

Steve

I like the expanded version, but we still don't see the Frecklebug's purpose. Is it gathering some kind of energy from kids to power Some Necessary Thing, or maybe just defending her against bad dreams and it gets hungry while there, or something else entirely?

When something Mysterious is revealed at the very end of a story without any explanation of its purpose of what happens next, it just leaves a sinister vibe, and I don't think that was the effect you intended.

Frecklebug has been optioned to be produced as an animated short.

Double congrats, Anthony.

Ditto from me. Thought you'd been quiet lately, Anthony, but obviously still the quiet achiever even when AWOL. Congrats! Looking forward to seeing the animation. :)

Thanks Warren/Libby

Busy family summer Libby, so been in lurker mode ;-)

I wish there was more to this, theres so much more you can do with this. Im struggling with dialouge myself and didnt feel the dialouge was great in this, could be a very good story, just needs a bit more.

Hey Liam, this was done for a One Week challenge on here, requirement was for 1 page story... so this version is expanded a little ;-)