Satnav by Anthony Cawood (AnthonyCawood) writing as XXX - Short, Thriller - A woman's infidelity takes her on an unexpected journey when her scorned husband hacks her car's navigation system. 1 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hm. Last line maybe a bit too far. I liked the build up, was actually pretty funny in parts with her just saying fuck every time. Nice job overall.

Like MarkIt said, the last line might've been a tad overkill, but overall I enjoyed this. I think it would've been fine to end it on the last text that David sends, "Enjoy the ride". But anyway, I liked this one a lot.

Liked the txt message spelling touch, decent effort.

Nice this one but I'd keep the original Satnav's voice - might have more of a punch on screen this way. You managed to pack a lot in this story which is pretty impressive.

Satnav
Not enough. The picture isn't complete; either you have a punch line or a full narration – it's between yet
2

The satnav should all be a V.O.

Agree the last line is a bit cringeworhty.

A decent effort though.

A good effort but the format was kind of weird. The texts should be capitalized/italics or quotes? Also better describe what she is texting back. I didn't get it at first that she was actually responding. Didn't like the different male voice on the SatNav either. A coincidental text response would be better IMO.

So, David has hacked into her car's navigation system in order to send her to her death?
A few things need to be a tad clearer. For example, I don't get why there's a different voice at the end.
Nontheless, I like the storyline.

Hmm, I didn't understand how her death was caused until I read Stump's comment. If so, it's an unclear and interesting idea that suffered because of the one page constraint. If not, I think it's haphazard. So I'm torn on how to vote. We really need half stars for scripts that we feel up the middle about.

The last piece of dialogue really lets this down. Doesn’t matter how you read it, it just comes off cheesy and you instantly lose all the tension you’ve built.

Overall, great work. Having misspelled words in the text messages is a good touch.

I'm not a fan of the punchline at the end. My vote is to take it out-- but in the end this is your story.

Writer,

Liked the whole text messaging angle, though I’ve still to understand what a Satnav is and that kinda threw me. Assuming it’s the voice of the GPS, so maybe I’m just behind the times. Still, decent tale but a cheesy ending.

Steve

Satellite Navigation - SatNav is just another synonym for a GPS - Global Positioning System - the little box in your car that tells you where to go. :)

I really like this. I just think it could be constructed a little better. You build the tension but then it kinda falls a little flat with:

Ahead, the road is blocked, tarmac washed down a hillside.

SATNAV
(different Male voice)
Sarah, your death-ination is ahead.

I'd pick a visual of a looming cliff face or similar after he says: Enjoy the ride. Or better yet: Looks like your ride is over, Sarah - or similar. Ditch the phone messages, keep the SatNav - have the SatNav's voice David's voice from the start, or cut early on, and, have the doors unable to unlock, and the brakes go at the pivotal point.

You can develop this and it'll be terrific.
I'll vote accordingly.

Great idea.

Ohhh. My bad.

The last line took me right out of the tension you were building.

Interesting premise.

Not bad for a one pager

Unsatisfying

Good job.  I liked this story, a clever way to stick in extra dialogue without using normal dialogue.  I liked the ending, ties in well with the theme.

The one thing is, I pictured Sarah shaking on the spot, in her car, an old car with bad suspension, so that she can shake the rain off the car as it wobbled.

It was ok.  I echo what others have said.

Dan

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