She by 0 - Short, Horror, Thriller - A majestic creature falls into the ambush of Man. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Solid writing for the most part - very good craftsmanship!

SPOILERS

I'm torn on "the SHE" - but I get it - humanizing in process.

Left a little for me at the end - yeah - I know we only got a page - but somehow to me there would have been more ooomph if SHE's last look was of her killer - maybe an innocent looking boy or something.

Good writing, I like the ambiguity of it. Like what Dave said, I wish there was one more line after the last one in the script that gave a little more oomph to it. The last line, as poetic as it is, leaves room for more. One page, yes, but I think you could've fit one more line in there to reveal something surprising. Like what Dave also said, maybe a young boy, or maybe the MAJESTIC creature's last sight could've been a twisting horn from its forehead (i.e. unicorn).

I'm not sure why the writer chose not to use EXT at the start, threw me for a mo, then the intro of SHE without a description, I'm guessing horse, but it could be any hooved animal.

The snap of a branch is high in the trees but for some reason she looks somewhere else and spots the hide?

I think there's a decent idea in here but for me doesn't work like this.

She

So she dies :-)
Not enough. The poetic approach does not translate to screen yet. Direction is good though-
2

A few comment s on the quality of the writing. I disagree; I don’t think it’s that good.

The cartoonish sound effects, not EXT in the first slug, one mini slug has a period after it, almost every sentence starts with she.

I'm not sure there is much of a story here; I do consider it more of a drama. The horror didn’t shine through.

I wonder why you didn't establish her being a horse from the very beginning. Don't think you forgot. Interesting choice.

Horror? I don't see it.

On screen I feel like this would just play out like any other hunting scene.

All the she this and that will be lost, because that's in the writing. So I guess the writing is okay, but it's a screenplay and as a screenplay I don't feel it will visually portray what you are trying to do here.

I just reread my last sentence, it barely makes sense but I don't know how to explain what I mean in a better way. Sorry.

Interesting. SHE could be many a creature (from doe to dragon) so kudos for that. The format's kinda strange but I'm not saying it's wrong, either.

As a story, it works although I'm not sure how this would translate to the screen. It would start with an image of SHE and the mystery is over. How would you film what SHE hears and her returning to earth?

I assume SHE is a deer. The deer hunter is in a tree stand. Anyway, this has an ethereal quality that comes through on the page. As a one-minute film? Sure, with some revisions.

Oh dear.

Not bad.  I can see what you're aiming for.  Or should I say, what he's aiming for.

Had sort of a dream-like quality to it. Feels more like a writing exercise than a full story though.

Definitely read is as She was a deer. For a deer with no prior contact with firearms, it's a "horrifying" experience. Something with an unexplained power you don't have is after you for unexplained reasons you don't understand. I think the genre's justified.

Only problem is that it reminded me of

Quoted from FrankM Definitely read is as She was a deer. For a deer with no prior contact with firearms, it's a "horrifying" experience. Something with an unexplained power you don't have is after you for unexplained reasons you don't understand. I think the genre's justified.

Never really thought about it that way. If something isn’t horrific to the viewer but is horrific to the subject of the film is it still a horror? I’m not sure it is.

In my opinion the genre is more about how it affects the viewer. Comedy - laugh, drama - cry, thriller - tension, and horror - feel scared or be horrified/disturbed (Obviously all oversimplified). This doesn’t do that, for me at least. Will stop derailing the thread now. I’ve just never thought about it like that before.

Quoted from Warren Never really thought about it that way. If something isn’t horrific to the viewer but is horrific to the subject of the film is it still a horror? I’m not sure it is. In my opinion the genre is more about how it affects the viewer. Comedy - laugh, drama - cry, thriller - tension, and horror - feel scared or be horrified/disturbed (Obviously all oversimplified). This doesn’t do that, for me at least. Will stop derailing the thread now. I’ve just never thought about it like that before.

I agree the genre is about how it affects the viewer. Making this a horror picture would require visuals that put the audience in the mindset of the deer, not the hunter, and I think that's the writer's intent. It would a tough assignment for the director.

Plenty of characters in other genres get horrified by what goes on around them, IMHO it's whether the audience get visceral pathos with those characters that makes it horror.

She can feel herself return to the earth...

Hmm, hard to do a deer POV, unless animated.
The POV really came through from the 'expert' behind the scope.

On film, unless you imbued the deer with its own voice I don't really think what you wrote would come through emotionally. You did write with emotion but, just thinking about what we'd see and hear on screen... It would probably just look like deer gets shot by hunter.

Who?

I thought this was a horse at first. Golden brown coat makes me think horse. When I think deer I think emaciated and flea-ridden.

Not sure that what's actually on the screen would be any more than a hunter killing an animal. I think if you want to show us the fear from the animal's viewpoint, you needed to go different, and deeper.

Writer,

I think I understand what you were going for, but for a single page it’s tough to convey it properly. A decent attempt, but it misses the mark for me. It wants to make you think, but it lacks entertainment.

Steve

I felt this was ambitious.  Writing this from the POV of the animal is so hard.

Guys, the horror is that someone wants to kill you and you don't know of understand why.  That's horror.  I think you could have carried the chase and her fall.  

Solid 4 from me.

Dan

Quoted from DanC Guys, the horror is that someone wants to kill you and you don't know of understand why.  That's horror.  I think you could have carried the chase and her fall.   Dan

Well, no. Someone is trying to kill a deer or a horse (it seems people are still undecided), not me. As I don’t identify as a deer or a horse, this isn’t horrific in any way, for me personally.

Huge horror fan here, and for me the best horrors are the most realistic. Something like The Strangers; it’s a completely plausible situation that would be horrific to endure.

Visually, I didn't get this. Sure, at the ending I realized it might/must be deer; point is, the formatting is wrong all along.

If you write that scrip from the POV of an unknown object, without wanting to give away what it is, you must guide the reader properly.

Here, indeed it's the law of exception, cause IMO, you for sure should have placed P.O.V.s: We drink, we run… into every action here.

Those pages instead say SHE here SHE that-

Then why don't say a DEER if we see it on screen.
So, what do we see in fact? It's neither this nor that. The vision isn't clear.

It's a good idea, nevertheless- Really, if this is done with P.O.V. guidance and a deer in the reveal, we're playing...