Motion Sensor - WT - Sold

Posted by: Don, April 2nd, 2018, 11:36am

Motion Sensor by Anthony Cawood - Short, Horror - A security light makes this homeowner feel less secure. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: Zombie Sean, April 2nd, 2018, 1:59pm; Reply: 1

Nice usage of the motion sensor light. Kinda like an opposite "Lights Out". Would make for a good little horror short. Kind of wish you went into a little more detail of how the hooded figure's face was grotesque but you had one page so detail had to remain limited. Not much to really say here, except it paced well in my opinion.

Posted by: MarkItZero, April 2nd, 2018, 2:06pm; Reply: 2

Got a bit repetitive for me. I liked how it started out. Good idea with the light sensors, has potential.

Posted by: AnthonyCawood, April 2nd, 2018, 2:56pm; Reply: 3

Felt like The Strangers condensed into a page, reasonable job.

Posted by: JEStaats, April 2nd, 2018, 4:16pm; Reply: 4

Oh yeah, I liked this and what this story could be. You've crammed so much into one page, let's see what/where you can go with this. Great job!

Posted by: PKCardinal, April 2nd, 2018, 4:27pm; Reply: 5

Liked the use of the motion sensor to build tension.

Didn't care for the way it played out. Could see this drawn out to a multi-page short to build the tension further.

A good start.

Posted by: khamanna, April 2nd, 2018, 5:13pm; Reply: 6

It's a good set up. Doesn't give me a finished feeling. I want some wrap up to this.

Posted by: ScottM, April 2nd, 2018, 8:30pm; Reply: 7

Very unoriginal. The setup is very much like the short Lights Out, which inspired the feature of the same name.

That just had a supernatural twist.

Posted by: eldave1, April 2nd, 2018, 8:56pm; Reply: 8

Wasn't for me - writing was solid enough - it's that - even for a one pager - I knew where it was going from the start.

Posted by: Warren, April 3rd, 2018, 12:10am; Reply: 9

Quoted Text

BOB
What the...

Would anyone really say this?

I think it’s a good concept, but it’s been done a few times. I don’t think your version brings anything new.

Regardless, this would make a great short film.

Posted by: DanC, April 3rd, 2018, 2:50pm; Reply: 10

Warren,
    I say that all the time.  Maybe I'm not real???  That'd explain a lot.  I mean really...

Back to the story, it was okay.  But, why would

oh, SPOILERS
why would an intruder act that way?  Makes no sense.  And how could they control the light sensor??

Solid 3 from me.

Dan

Posted by: PrussianMosby, April 3rd, 2018, 4:59pm; Reply: 11

Motion Sensor

A nice little scare here - the kind of quick material some do, at least I see those around. Good atmosphere. It's not really impressive but definitely has its strength in suspense and structure. A last deep, heavy shock effect would make this fly imo
4

Posted by: RJP, April 3rd, 2018, 11:39pm; Reply: 12

Total creep-fest.

I'm not a fan of the line "What the..." when his dead cat is hurled at the glass. Maybe I'm just being a nit ha ha.

Overall, good work!

Posted by: Stumpzian, April 4th, 2018, 7:32am; Reply: 13

Our old motion sensor went on and off all the time, usually for no apparent reason. So I turned it off. Glad I did after reading this.

Posted by: CameronD, April 4th, 2018, 12:32pm; Reply: 14

Ewww

Posted by: jayrex, April 4th, 2018, 2:36pm; Reply: 15

I think the last few words should be

stab, stab, stab

Aside from that, not bad.

Posted by: ajr, April 4th, 2018, 5:22pm; Reply: 16

I got confused between the kitchen light and the external light. Was one on and not the other, or were both off at some point?

Posted by: LC, April 4th, 2018, 9:21pm; Reply: 17

I love the line about balding Bob - still styling optimistically. Made me laugh.

A little bit of confusion over the exterior light (lighting up the kitchen) and the actual kitchen light.

I was strangely left wanting a bit more build up, before Kitty cops it, and a bit more for the denouement. I suppose that's a one-pager for you.

Good job.

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