The Sacrifice by Liam Treacy - Short, Horror - A young girl must make the ultimate sacrifice in order to please the one she loves. 4 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

I take it this the first time you've written a screenplay?

There are numerous errors, throughout the script, I'll highlight a few but I suggest you study screenplay formatting and read screenplays in general to get a better idea in how to do write them.

Saying that, it's good that you wrote a screenplay 4 pages long...so in case you do make errors some would still read it. Ok, here's what I think.


MACRO
1. I don't know if you wrote this as an exercise, or as a genuine screenplay but the plot doesn't go anywhere.

What were you trying to say? What relationship or interaction is going on between the daughter and mother? Apart from the opening I didn't detect any elements of horror.

2. All important characters have NAMES...don't just call her "girl" or the mother "mother" even if their names aren't spoken. Even still when you introduce the girl, you didn't do it in CAPS.

Quoted Text "A young girl (15) is in the bathtub. She is using a wire coat hanger to give herself an abortion."

MICRO
1. Start the screenplay with FADE IN:

2. You start off with the scene heading "HOUSE" but then become more specific, where specifically are we in the first scene heading? It would seem like the hallway, so put that in the scene heading.

3. Try not to start descriptions with "the", most of the time it doesn't read right.

instead of:

Quoted Text "The glow from lamps light the hallways of an empty house."

Try: "Candles emit a yellowy glow in the hallway".

4. Your first line is inaccurate.

Quoted Text "The glow from lamps light the hallways of an empty house."

Of course the house isn't empty, as there is someone in the bathroom.

5.

Quoted Text "She is using a wire coat hanger to give herself an abortion."

Omit this. I doubt anyone would know straight away what she was doing.

6. "BEAT" is overused and unnecessary.

7.

Quoted Text "She moves the position of something on the windowsill."

Putting "something" in your screenplay isn't going to cut it, this is as ambiguous as it can get, screenplays aren't supposed to be ambiguous.

You do this a couple more times later in the script.

8. You start too many lines with "She", this problem is partly due to not naming your character.

9.

Quoted Text "The girl�s bedroom is full of trophies."

What trophies? Are they large or small? Are they for winning something? Or for coming second or third? Be specific.

10.

Quoted Text "INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS The GIRL limps towards the stairs."

CAPS unnecessary, in fact this part is unnecessary actually.

The micro errors are easy to correct, read the screenwriting class section in this forum, read formatting in websites or read screenplays.

As for the macro, understand your theme, try to figure out what the motivations of your characters are.

Liam

24 grams highlighted some of the formatting deficiencies so I won't repeat them. Although I have to take issue with this point:

Quoted from 24 Grams Start the screenplay with FADE IN:

- This depends on how you want to start your story doesn't it? You might want to open it in the middle of the action e.g. Amores Perros. Hence, a fade in wouldn't be appropriate. Lots of films don't begin with a fade in, it’s decided by the intent of the opening scene. I feel scripts should follow the same approach.

Anyway, to your script but staying on that point in regards the beginning, this certainly has a startling opener. Which I think works better without a fade in actually. Instead, an abrupt cut to a girl giving herself an abortion is far more effective so I wound omit those couple of establishing lines of the hallway, lamp light and sounds.

Also, staying within the scene after the deed has been done and watching her clean up the mess is a bold choice and gives the sequence additional heft.

Coincidentally, I just watched the Ukrainian film “The Tribe” which features an extended home abortion scene that is very harrowing. I wondered if you were influenced by that.

Story wise you have an intriguing set up, a lot is suggested in the fractious relationship of the daughter and mother but since it's only 4 pages, it's never going to be allowed to develop. As a result, it makes for an unsatisfying read overall. This merely feels like the beginning of something but nothing more.

I do see potential here though and would be interested to see it expanded.

Col.