Case# 10-5411 Veterans Administration by Carol Mulhern - Drama - Case File 10-5411 Veterans Administration author Carol Mulhern details corruption within the VA based on the author’spersonal experiences. Through her work at the Coatesville Veterans Affairs Medical Center, author Carol Mulhern learned firsthand how corrupt and self-serving officials worked to further their careers at the expense of their coworkers, the organization, and veterans. 134 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

I went down the first 10 pages or so.

Formatting (action-dialogue etc) and verbe tense (present progressive and .. past?) makes it difficult to read.
During discussion there is a constant use of the names. Names are always in capital.
The following day... The next several weeks...
Few parts look like a narration-type of story telling (eg page 9). But there is no narrator or something. Is this supposed to be that way? I don't get it.

Needs a real log line

Hi Carol.
I'd advise getting free script writing, like Celtx and reformat.
It is quite hard to read in its current format.
And try and do a logline in one short sentence.

Come up with a better title of the script. How you do that is up to you. However I can suggest write out the whole story from start to finish, try to keep it to one page. Keep it to the main story points, then without thinking about it pick out about 20 words or so. From there again without thinking about it cut five words from the list. Repeat until you have about 3-4 words, from these words use them to come up with a title. This works for me, however whatever works for a better and much shorter title is also good.