An Angel Whispers by Jeremy Storey - Short, Drama, Fantasy - A cynical reporter investigates a small-town supernatural tale, that can only be believed to be seen. 20 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

An Angel Whispers from Jeremy Storey on Vimeo.

Learn more at AnAngelWhispers.com.

2018 Bluecat Screenplay contest, reader feedback (highlights)

“Overall, “An Angel Whispers” is an uplifting story driven by mystery. Hidden details are carefully revealed as Ben meets each new character. Ben’s character arc is also well developed. At the beginning, he is skeptical of the whispering angel story, however, when he sees the photo and realizes Jimmy is Padre, he starts to become a believer, and seems to transform into the faithful writer the churchgoers need to tell their story. This arc adds depth and meaning to the story, creating a complex and round protagonist.”

All Accolades & Coverage:

Independent Shorts Awards, Gold (2nd Place), March 2019
https://independentshortsawards.com/award-winners-march-2019/

Zedfest Screenplay Contest, Short Screenplay Category; Semi-finalist
https://www.zedfest.org/enterzedfestnowscreenplay.html

2019 American Gem Short Script Contest, Finalist
http://www.filmmakers.com/contests/short/2018_19/win/index.html

NYC Indie Film Awards, Platinum Award (2nd Place), February 2019
http://www.nycindiefilmawards.com/winners.html

SoCal 2018 Screenplay Contest, Finalist and Honorable Mention (Top 4)
http://www.socalscreenplay.com/

Screencraft 2018 Short Screenplay Contest, Quarter-Finalist
https://screencraft.org/2018/09/14/announcing-2018-screencraft-short-scr...

Shore Scripts 2018 Screenplay Contest, Short Category, Quarter-Finalist
https://www.shorescripts.com/2018-screenplay-contest-results/

Creative World Awards, 2018, Short Screenplay Category, FINALIST
http://www.creativeworldawards.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/2018-CWA-F...

Los Angeles International Screenwriting Competition, Short Screenplay Category, FINALIST
https://www.lascreenplayawards.com/2018-spring-results.html

Austin Micro Short Film Festival, Official Selection and Best Screenplay Award Nominee
https://filmfestivalcircuit.com/events/austin-micro-short-film-festival/...

his Script Has Been Reviewed By Shootin' The Shorts
AN ANGEL WHISPERS

"A cynical reporter investigates a small-town supernatural tale, that can only be believed to be seen."

Ben is a veteran journalist chasing a story in the heartlands of rural USA.  Folk in these parts like to talk of a miracle.  The kind that hard-nosed reporters like Ben prefer to avoid.  Yet as the investigation leads him from one witness to another it becomes clear that something out of the ordinary happened here.  

And while no-one can say for certain what they saw, all are adamant on one thing: that what they heard that night was to change their lives forever.

As Ben’s search leads him closer to the truth, he’s forced to accept this story isn’t over.  This is more than copy; this is a test of faith. And in order to come to terms with what happened here, Ben must confront the guilt of his own shattered past.  

Only then can he believe that a tragedy playing out half the world away has the power to bring about redemption.

Jeremy Storey’s An Angel Whispers is a low budget treat for a director looking to make their mark through a dialogue driven story with real heart and soul. Featuring a handful of key players and a solid mystery at its core, this is a beautifully realized short script with universal appeal and the ideal fare for short film festivals.  

Review by Steve Miles

Hi Jeremy,

I could be wrong here, but I think the feedback option on SS is for people to comment from the SS website. If the script is good, I think the script should ideally be able to stand on its own legs, and/or if you are genuinely interested in feedback, than all of that might actually put folks off reading it, like it has me.

However, I'm happy to be proven wrong.

Cheers,

Max

When you submit a script to SS, there's an optional section to list the script's Coverage, Contest placements, and reviews.

And the writer in this case has also ticked the box 'interested in feedback.'

Looks like I've been proven wrong. Carry on.

Cheers

Quoted from Pleb Hi Jeremy, I could be wrong here, but I think the feedback option on SS is for people to comment from the SS website. If the script is good, I think the script should ideally be able to stand on its own legs, and/or if you are genuinely interested in feedback, than all of that might actually put folks off reading it, like it has me. However, I'm happy to be proven wrong. Cheers, Max

Oh goodness. I'm so sorry. Totally didn't realize I had committed a faux pas. Happy to remove all the drivel if you think it gets in the way.

Code INT. CHURCH - DAY BEN, early-fifties sits on a bench near the front of the church. His clothes are crumpled, his hair unkempt. His five o’clock shadow is at midnight, and he’s clearly missed a few meals. The church is typical of most small-town churches. Pretty, quiet, and humble.

I have some time before I start work, so I thought I'd take a look at your writing. It's fairly clunky due to being overwritten. You mention the 'front of the church' and a 'bench'. When I first read bench I had to doublecheck because you'd written that this was INT. Also, the 'front of the church' surely has a name? It would only take a moment to Google and find out that the front of a church is called the chancel. Benches in a church are called pews.

Here is how I would rewrite the above:

INT. SMALL TOWN CHURCH - DAY

BEN, fifty-two, skinny and unkempt, sits on a pew near
the chancel.



That is all the information you have. The rest is just unnecessary fluff.

I'd like to add some more on overwriting, if I may. It is something that many writers, even good ones, get confused about. They seem to think that if something is descriptive that this is novelistic and ergo overwritten... but that isn't the full story. Something is only overwritten in a screenplay if it doesn't add to the visual you are trying to create.

Having a four-line description is fine, so long as every single word does something.

In your example. You first tell us he is unkempt and then go on to describe what unkempt is. This is overwriting as you have already stated that he is unkempt. If it's a typical small town church, what's the point in telling us what a typical small town church is like?


So, in short, don't be afraid of description, feed us what you will, just don't repeat yourself.

Thanks, Dustin.

Appreciate you taking time to provide feedback in such a thoughtful and insightful way. I'll certainly take your advice about being too clunky in my writing.

No problem. I learned that the front of a church is called the chancel, so thank you.

An Angel Whispers from Jeremy Storey on Vimeo.

Learn more at AnAngelWhispers.com.

Hi, Jeremy, I remember reading some of your shorts and thoroughly enjoying them so thought I'd check out the film.

SPOILER

Damn that was great. Looked and sounded professional, and the acting was pretty spot on. I would have like a bit more emotion and a bit more of an A-Ha moment when he puts it all together and finds out it's his son, but I'm being really nit-picky with that.

The dialogue throughout is incredibly strong.

Just a really well thought out and well put together story that really gives you the feel goods.

Congrats.