The Hit by PH Cook - Thriller - A financially desperate bank teller seduced by a thief to help him rob the bank must hunt down his gang for her share of the loot when they screw her over. 105 pages

production: A female lead heist thriller with a happy ending. Indie budget.
contest: Coverage with "CONSIDERs" available upon request. - pdf, format

Thanks for posting this, Don.

This is a script I wrote about 2.5 years ago. I posted it on InkTip and I was sooooo excited when Mind's Eye optioned it. I was so excited I signed the contract for two years... Big mistake! I had several people approach me about this script, but due to that option that I was sure would lead to another produced feature film, I had to turn them down. This past January, the option ran out and the script was now back in my hands. I posted it again at inktip and absolutely no one was interested this time. I will never again option a script for a dollar and absolutely no way for two f'n years.

I believe this script is in pretty good shape. I have no desire to re-write it, however, if anyone has any better ideas for a logline, I'm all ears.  :)

Ah, Pia, you finally got to post it up. I'll take a peek sometime this week. =)

Quoted from Grandma Bear Thanks for posting this, Don. This is a script I wrote about 2.5 years ago. I posted it on InkTip and I was sooooo excited when Mind's Eye optioned it. I was so excited I signed the contract for two years... Big mistake! I had several people approach me about this script, but due to that option that I was sure would lead to another produced feature film, I had to turn them down. This past January, the option ran out and the script was now back in my hands. I posted it again at inktip and absolutely no one was interested this time. I will never again option a script for a dollar and absolutely no way for two f'n years. I believe this script is in pretty good shape. I have no desire to re-write it, however, if anyone has any better ideas for a logline, I'm all ears.  :)

No free options on features for sure and no two years. Learned my lesson the hard way as well on $1 option (they can be sooooo convincing with their BS).  I'm guessing we all go through that ringer as a rite of passage.

On your log line - seems relatively solid as is:

- What wasn't quite clear was - Is she sexually seduced vs. seduced by the promise of wealth?

- Teller may be a better term then Clerk

- May want to use term thief rather than bank robber to avoid the redundancy of bank

My suggestions.

A financially desperate bank teller seduced by a thief to help him rob the bank must hunt down his gang for her share of the loot when they screw her over.

Sean, you're welcome to read it, but I'm so done with this script. I'm not going to spend any more time on re-writes. This reminds me though, I did start reading yours. I think I read about 1/3. I've just been super busy lately. I haven't had much time for anything lately.  :)

Thanks Dave! The logline has been changed. I really really suck at those. I wish I didn't.  :)

No problem

Hey Pia

Sorry to hear about it. It comes with the business.

Regarding the loggline, is it necessary to have the “seduced by a thief to help him rob the bank” part? It’s kind of implied that she was involved and got screwed over. The how should be left for the reader to find out.

I think it reads smoother without it: a financially desperate teller must hunt the gang for her share of the loot when they screw her over.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Pia, I'm reading this for the craic - very entertaining and we'll written so far...

The logline could do with a revamp imh.

Suggestions so far not bad.

... I'd steer away from a colloquialism like 'screw over' in place of a more sophisticated term like : exploit or swindle, cheat or betray.

P.S. Isn't she assistant manager, not a teller? A generic way would be to call her a bank employee.

I'll have a ponder when I'm finished reading.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Hey Pia Sorry to hear about it. It comes with the business. Regarding the loggline, is it necessary to have the “seduced by a thief to help him rob the bank” part? It’s kind of implied that she was involved and got screwed over. The how should be left for the reader to find out. I think it reads smoother without it: a financially desperate teller must hunt the gang for her share of the loot when they screw her over. Hope this helps, Gabe

Ha, what do you know! I thought I had the logline down, but I should have known the SS crowd would be the best to turn to!  8)

Quoted from LC Pia, I'm reading this for the craic - very entertaining and we'll written so far... The logline could do with a revamp imh. In Gabe's suggestion however, it would be 'a'  bank in the context it's written and I'd steer away from a colloquialism like 'screw over' in place of a more sophisticated term like : exploit or swindle, cheat or betray. P.S. Isn't she assistant manager, not a teller? A generic way would be to call her a bank employee.

Libby, cheers for your thoughts! You are absolutely correct. She's the bank branch manager. Love your suggestions for alternate words. Absolutely sounds better! I think after a few more thinks about this, I'll have a better one. Like I said, I totally suck at loglines and admire people who can write them. After all, that's the first thing people see.  :)

Gabe's spot on with omitting that first bit of the logline. I didn't read that first bit right, with the 'a bank/the bank'. Disregard my comment there. No need to reply. :)

Hey Pia

We’re a writing family. Often dysfunctional but still a family lol.

Sometimes it’s a hit or miss with the logline. I just got lucky.

Gabe

Thanks Gabe! I'll keep it as is for now, just because it gives a little more info. I don't expect anything to happen with this anymore. It's dead in the water.  :-/

Quoted from Grandma Bear Thanks Gabe! I'll keep it as is for now, just because it gives a little more info. I don't expect anything to happen with this anymore. It's dead in the water.  :-/

Pia, what's with this negative Nelly bullshit? Come on, get motivated. Something good will happen with it. =)

Not breaking out any champagne bottles yet, but I did speak to a director today about it. They want to shoot it this summer. They are experienced filmmakers with numerous awards in documentaries.

I had pretty much given up on this script when I posted it here at SS. Don put it up last Sunday, so seven days later... It will probably be removed from here shortly. I hope. But, I've been doing this a long time now so I know better than to think this is a done deal.

I did want to share though, for those who argue that studio readers should read more than the first few pages, because their story gets better as you read on. This director said he downloaded several scripts from here at the same time and read them on a flight from LA to the east coast. He said the other scripts he only read the first few pages. In other words, those first few are important.

An other reason he liked the script was because the main character was proactive.

SS rocks is all I have to say.  :)

Not intending to bump this, but I got rather excited to find out that a casting call went live in LA today and within minutes responses started pouring in. I would be extremely excited if this one gets finished. I had such high hopes for it...for years.  :)

Congrats!

I'd be chuffed too!

Never give up, eh?
Good luck Pia.

Who do you imagine in your wildest dreams for the two leads?

Congrats, Pia!  You rock!!

Hoping third time is the charm!  8)

You're on your third option for this already, Pia?

Congratulations!

Congrats again Pia, fingers crossed!

Congrats Pia, hope it all comes together.

Thanks guys!

Quoted from Mr. Blonde You're on your third option for this already, Pia?

Yes. (sigh). It's always that funding that ruins everything. Maybe this time. They sound like they have a plan.  :)

Pia,

Ok then.  I wanted to share my praise here since everybody's handing them out.  And rightfully so.
Congrats.  You rock!  I'll keep my fingers crossed.

LOGLINE SUGGESTION:

A bank manager and her lover pull off an inside heist, but must form an uneasy alliance in tracking down the associates who skipped out with their share of the loot.

Much congrats! Really hope this time it goes all the way. Keep us updated

Matt

Congrats Pia!

It's positive sign this script keeps getting optioned. I'll have to give it a read.

Awesome news, Pia.

Fingers crossed third time's the charm!

Congratulations!

Getting an option on a feature is bigly impressive!

Thanks guys!

I've had four made already, but they didn't turnout very good. I used to be so disappointed by that. I'm older now and more experienced and looking back, I realize it wasn't the fault of the filmmakers, but rather my scripts. They weren't that good. That's why I have hopes for The Hit. It's a decent script, IMO. You know what they say about filmmaking, start with a great script! Not sure it's great, but it's definitely better than my earlier efforts.

Quoted from Pleb Getting an option on a feature is bigly impressive!

Not as impressive as getting one produced.  ;)

Hope things work out this time.

It's a damn good script. Reads very fast. I think you've said people tell you that, I can see why!

Quoted from MarkItZero Reads very fast. I think you've said people tell you that, I can see why!

This actually comes from me not being a native English speaking person. In order to make any sense at all, I learned early to keep my writing as terse/sparse as possible in order to keep people from  being confused. This has evolved into a very lean style of writing. My writing will never be called beautiful and I cannot do prose, but my style seems to fit right in with script writing. Producers/directors like easy fast reads that doesn't have any fluff. The people that just optioned it called it very well written. I'm sure Jeff would disagree, but...  ;D

Quoted from RolandJ LOGLINE SUGGESTION: A bank manager and her lover pull off an inside heist, but must form an uneasy alliance in tracking down the associates who skipped out with their share of the loot.

Thanks for the suggestion. Doesn't quite fit the story though...  :)