Retired by Warren Duncan (Warren) writing as A Writer - Short, Horror - Retirement can't come soon enough for a dirty cop who's made one too many bad choices. 8 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Warren,

This is a cool concept, the way it's told is very clever. All ties together well. Well written, good structure. I read it twice, because it did confuse me the first time, but thats my fault for not paying enough attention.

I wonder about the scene in the bathroom where she grabs LAWSON'S head. To me it seems like she would have to be very strong to kill him with three whacks to the tiling. And she has a head injury, so she might not be feeling so great? Would it seem more realistic to have her use a weapon, like in the first scene. Such as the letter opener stabbed into his neck. A quick, less risky for her, death. he could have easily over powered her, especially if he is big. Which we don't know?

Good story, nice job. :)

Thanks for the read Kirsten. Glad you liked it.

She isn’t really 'suffering' from a head injury in the way you are talking about. She's undead so her strength is whatever I choose it to be. Yes the undead thing doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but I was trying to meet a certain page count for this and didn’t have a lot of space to try give it any depth. I thought about expanding it, but I'm quite happy with it at the moment.

Thanks again.

Warren - wanted to get back to this one as it was one of my favorites from the competition. I thought it was very creative. I did have some suggestions on scene ordering and one "time logic" issue.

MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD

Quoted Text Off-screen,  the  muffled  sounds  of  jovial  conversation,  music,  and  laughter.

This is the time logic issue. Does this fit? We're going backwards and it's the last scene. Isn't the party over by now? - i.e., why would we hear sounds of it still going on?

So, very much liked the going backwards - some spit ball suggestions on sequencing. The sequence you have now is in CAPS. My suggestions in italics:

1. MALLOY HIDDEN IN OFFICE
2. REMNANTS OF A PARTY - ANYONE SEEN LAWSON? - SUMMERS - HE'S DRAINING..
3. ON WAY TO RESTROOM TO CHECK ON LAWSON - MALLOY SPOTS CRYSTAL - RUNS AWAY
4. LAWSON KILLED IN RESTROOM

I think Plot point 4 should be before plot point 3 since you are going backwards

5. PARTY IN FULL SWING - MALLOY CONFRONTS LAWSON
6. CROWD THINS OUT - LAWSON TALKING TO SUMMER

Plot point 6 should be before plot point 5 since you are going backwards

7. PARTY IN FULL SWING AS DESK OFFICER GREETS CRYSTAL
8. MALLOY RETURNS WITH DESK OFFICER - CRYSTAL IS GONE

Quoted Text 7 and 8 should be before the crowd thins out - number 6.

9. MALLOY/LAWSON - ON STING - CRYSTAL SOLICITS THEM
10. MALLOY SCREWING CRYSTAL IN ALLEY
11. MALLOY KILLS HER
12. MALLOY AND LAWSON DUMP BODY IN DUMPSTER
13. CRYSTAL COMES TO LIFE - ZOMBIE LIKE

So on scene 9 through 13 you go back to normal time order. Reverse order it would be:

- CRYSTAL COMES TO LIFE - ZOMBIE LIKE
- MALLOY AND LAWSON DUMP BODY IN DUMPSTER
- MALLOY KILLS HER
- MALLOY SCREWING CRYSTAL IN ALLEY
- MALLOY/LAWSON - ON STING - CRYSTAL SOLICITS THEM

Not sure I would change it as I do like the ending scene just as is - Crystal emerging from death. It would be have less impact to move that scene up. However, I do think you can stay with reverse order on 9 -12 - just a thought.


One real nitty issue:

Quoted Text A  minimally  furnished  room  with  desk,  chairs,  and  a  whiteboard  plastered  with  crime  scene  photos.  Moonlight  filters  in  through  a  small  window.

No need for "A" or "room" - as we know that from the header. e.g:

Minimally  furnished. A  desk,  chairs,  and  a  whiteboard  plastered  with  crime  scene  photos.

May also want to add some moving boxes (i.e., he would have packed up personal things).

Hope this diatribe helps.   I thought it was a real fine script.

Hi Dave, thanks for coming back to this.

I tried to do almost every scene in reverse order; I think there are a few at the end that flow directly on to one another but that’s only because it made the most sense to do it that way. I also allowed myself to include LATER/MOMENTS LATER in an overall scene, so they weren’t backwards.

As far as the rest of the scenes go. I tried to make each scene flow almost immediately on from the last.

So, Malloy runs from the remnants of the party (as in, it’s still going but not in full swing) and in the first scene he is still running from that last scene.

This is a line from the second scene which flows into the first:

Quoted Text The few POLICE that remain stand in a group. They talk and laugh as music plays.

And because of that we have this line in the first scene:

Quoted Text Off-screen, the muffled sounds of jovial conversation, music, and laughter.

I tried to link them in a similar way in each scene.

In my mind, other than the last few scenes, they are all backwards.

The right way round it would be as follows:

-Malloy and Lawson are approached by Crystal. Mollay kills her and they dump the body (these are the ones where the order changes slightly, but I felt they needed to be grouped this way).

-The party is in full swing, so some time later, a dishevelled (dead) Crystal comes in looking for Malloy. He comes out but she is gone (to find Lawson).

-Lawson excuses himself to go to the restroom.

-Lawson is killed in the restroom.

-(so at this point Crystal’s hand is bloody from killing Lawson) Malloy asks where Lawson is, goes to look for him in the restroom, on his way there he sees Crystal who’s just come from killing Lawson. He starts to run...

-...he barges in to the office, red and sweaty from running.

But in saying all of that, I’d be lying if I said this didn’t confuse the hell out of me. The amount of times I had to go back and make sure it made some sort of sense. It was definitely the most technically difficult thing I’ve ever written. Please let me know if after that explanation it still needs a touch up.

I will sort out the other issues, thanks.

Quoted Text Hope this diatribe helps.   I thought it was a real fine script.

Always helpfully and I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's a personally favourite of mine.

Hey Warren

Ahhh, makes sense..... yeah she's a little worse off than I realized.

I still think it is slightly out of order. For what it's worth, this is how I see it in normal chronological order.

1. MALLOY/LAWSON - ON STING - CRYSTAL SOLICITS THEM
2. MALLOY SCREWING CRYSTAL IN ALLEY
3. MALLOY KILLS HER
4. MALLOY AND LAWSON DUMP BODY IN DUMPSTER
5. CRYSTAL COMES TO LIFE - ZOMBIE LIKE
(This obviously could be in several places and still make sense. e.g., she good come to life before or after the retirement party).
6. PARTY IN FULL SWING - MALLOY CONFRONTS LAWSON
7.  CROWD THINS OUT - LAWSON TALKING TO SUMMER REMNANTS OF A PARTY - ANYONE SEEN LAWSON? - SUMMERS - HE'S DRAINING THE PYTHON.
8. LAWSON KILLED IN RESTROOM
9. ON WAY TO RESTROOM TO CHECK ON LAWSON - MALLOY SPOTS CRYSTAL - RUNS AWAY
10.  MALLOY HIDDEN IN OFFICE – KILLED BY CRYSTAL

So, the reverse order would be the flip of that. A good chance I am seeing it wrong - so ignore if I am. And again - I agree - regardless - of order the last scene needs to be as written so I certainly would not change the order there.

Yes - I did get the two references to the party - i.e., this:

Quoted Text The few POLICE that remain stand in a group. They talk and laugh as music plays.

and this:

Quoted Text Off-screen, the muffled sounds of jovial conversation, music, and laughter.

But somehow in my head I am seeing a full party going on with the jovial conversation, music and laughter coming through the door (albeit muffled) and seeing the remnants of one with the cops kissing in the corner, passed out, etc.  

Also had the logic issue of if all of these folks are standing around and Malloy's office is in earshot of the party - how come no one noticed and stopped the bloodied Crystal going towards Malloy's office.  At least for me the confusion would be eliminated by deleting this:

Quoted Text Off-screen, the muffled sounds of jovial conversation, music, and laughter.

From the opening scene altogether.  Could be it's just me,a mate - others didn't seem to be confused at all.

Side thought:

May want to consider having Lawson killed in the parking lot (i.e., fuming as he goes to his car) rather than the restroom. Seems there would be a lot of foot traffic in the head. I don't know - just spit balling.

And again - maybe change nothing. This was indeed a favorite of mine and and I generally not a fan of the genre.

Last side note:

What I really liked about this as well as that it is a flexible template for different genres/stories. e.g., let's say someone is looking for a thriller, you could easily have someone who cared for Crystal (brother, father, boyfriend, streetwalker friend, etc) take vengeance for her murder.  Long winded way of saying it'd be easy to convert to multiple genres.  It's an excellent piece of work.

Quoted Text how come no one noticed and stopped the bloodied Crystal going towards Malloy's office.

Honestly didn’t even think about it, but a very good point indeed. I'll have another look over the order and address this issue.

I agree about the template. Used correctly (hopefully I did) it’s a very effective way to tell a story in a unique way.

I’ve said it before, but I’ve wanted to do it for a long time, just been waiting for an adequate story.

Thanks Dave.

My pleasure - easy read

Hi Warren,

I liked it.

The timeline confused me a little since, as Dave already pointed out, doesn't follow a strict reverse chronological order (another Nolan fan maybe?), but I think I understand why you tweaked the timeline.

I wold suggest for you to compose a quick draft with the scenes in order, check that everything falls into place and then go back to the original. Just an idea.

Entertaining and original, good job.

Hi Phil,

Thanks for the read, glad you liked it.

In one of my previous posts I did do a quick draft in correct order. In my mind, other than the last few scenes (where I intentionally changed the order), this is in the correct order.

I really am happy with the order it is in. The intention was to confuse initially, and then for clarity to come later. If I wanted it to be clear I would have used supers or a clock as someone mentioned in a previous comment.

There are a few tweaks I still need to make, but I really don’t think I'll be changing the order.

Thanks again for having look, much appreciated.

Warren,

Gotta say I was pretty confused. I figured out this was reverse order only at the end, and for me, I guess that was the reveal of sorts. But this stayed very cohesive, and I feel it works.

Couple things. Page 2 - I could use a little more detail about Summers other than she's attractive. I get that and the gray pants suit, just feel she needs something else. "Attractive" is so plain jane.

Pg. 3 - Not sure about the second mentioning of "drain the python." Sounds a bit cutesy.

Pg 4 - Though Mallow could've thrown in an extra corny joke to stretch this a wee bit. Just feels like you're rushing here.

Pg 6 - Shouldn't it be "He's taken aback?" Not "taken back." Maybe that's just a language difference?

Pg 8 -  Feel you're rushing again with Crystal's death. Maybe one of them could've quickly took her pulse before declaring her dead.

Overall, I'm still a bit unsure as to what makes Crystal so special that she can just come back to life like that. Perhaps I missed something explaining that?

I enjoyed the read. It was a ride.

Hi Steven, thanks for the read.

Will tidy a few things up.

This is basically an unchanged version of my WT entry. I submitted it as is because I was pretty happy with it the way it was.

With that in mind, I actually did have them check for a pulse and the way I had it written at the time, that one extra bit of info pushed me onto 9 pages. This script is exactly 8 pages to the line. Without that restriction I could go back and draw it out a bit more.

The only thing that makes Crystal special is the fact that she is in my script. I don’t explain it at all, so you didn’t miss anything. I just hoped everyone went along with the ride. Again, to give it any more story would have blown my page count. I don’t really know how I would explain it to be honest. It’s coincidental to the story and at the moment that’s the best I've got. Pretty lazy, but I think it still kinda works for some reason.

So about 6 months ago I saw Anton asking for practice scripts to storyboard on a Facebook screenwriting page. I sent him the link to my website and about 2 months later he sent me some storyboards for Retired (not the complete story). He's moved onto other work now, some VR storyboard thing that you can check out on his site. He is currently turning my short Next Stop, Salvation into a VR animation.

https://www.antonjaspard.com/retired

Now that was cool

Thanks, Dave. I think he did a great job.

Yes, very cool.

There's only one panel I'm not enamoured with and that's with Crystal's intro where she looks a bit weird - her intro pic. The pics further on are lovely, particularly the one with her 'smirking defiantly'.

Of course overall great stuff and I imagine you're pretty darned pleased.

Thanks for checking it out, Libby.

The sign in the bullpen also says Happy Anniversary as opposed to Happy Retirement. Being a work-for-free job I definitely don’t have any complaints. I am looking forward to seeing the VR animation, that'll be something completely different. I think he's only a few weeks away from finishing.

Must be pretty cool to see your work visualised like that.

Well done.

Won't comment on the actual story since now it seems done and dusted