Branded: "The Lone Ranger" by ? - Series, Action - Wrongfully accused of cowardice and drummed out of the Army, he must prove that he is a man. 14 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Branded - IMDB, Wiki, Video/Trailer

A western. ;) Let's see how we fare.

Logline needs a bit of work off the bat. He must prove he is a man makes little sense. And since pg 1 sets this in modern day I'd say that should be in the logline for sure as well. Was jarring to see we are in Afghanistan all the sudden.

Also, is this script called BRANDED as the title page would imply? Anyways. Whatever.

Cap the medics first time we see them onscreen. Same with the Army Officer in the courtroom. And the MP at Fort Carson.You get the idea.

That all said.

I liked this. Very nice reboot of the Lone Ranger set in modern times. Aside from the capitalization errors of first time characters,  this was an easy read with no errors. That said, not much really happened I admit but that's ok. I can see what kinda show this will be from episode 2? What's episode 1 I wonder? I like how you incorporated the the show's opening as exposition along with the theme song. I actually looked online to see if that theme song was your own, or an actual variation of the Lone Ranger theme. I found some old radio shows titled "Branded a Coward"but no theme song such as yours. Big props for coming up with a song that fits very well if it was all your own doing.

Nit picky here, but I think you can tighten up some homages. Maybe just go for the solid black handkerchief instead of the skull one for a tighter connection to the black mask. Ditch the glock and give this guy a revolver. I liked the silver saddle bags, but maybe have a white gas tank with a silver horse painted on the side for a bigger nod to the old show.

Solid job all around.

Hahahahahahaha, writer, did you really write a theme song and closing credit track??? That's good work.

So, this is actually pretty good. It's got very little in the way of movements, and actually turns out to be quite comedic, interspersed with tragic dream and violence. On that note, formatting was good but make sure you end the dream sequence correctly.

If it had been expanded a bit it could have been better, but overall pretty bang on. An easy read and a definite reboot.

A quick quible, however. McCord rides a bike, yep? That lab puppy is going to be massive in about 7 months time!! What's he gonna do, get a side cart or a family SUV??? He could be a lone ranger for a reason, everybody hates him for forgetting that puppies aren't just for Christmas...

That aside, as I say I liked it.

Well done,

Cam

Cams,

I love you both, but...

Quoted from CameronD Very nice reboot of the Lone Ranger set in modern times.

No. It's a very nice reboot of Branded...

Quoted from Cameron Hahahahahahaha, writer, did you really write a theme song and closing credit track??? That's good work.

No. The theme song and closing credits are from the show Branded.


Point of clarification.  This is a reboot of Branded set in modern times.

Hey Don,

Cheers for the clarification, I'll give it another go then tonight based upon the actual tv program...what a Muppet, need to click the links.

I still stand by my initial point over the difficulty of having a full grown black lab on a motorbike, however.

Cam

What is this? A show called Branded? And not the Lone Ranger? Then why is the episode called the Lone Ranger? Why is there a Tanto? And a black mask? Why is there an old Lone Ranger episode I found called Branded A Coward?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1DvXHJ_7FM

Madness. This is madness I say. ;)

All part of a plot to drive you slowly insane...

Right, I've read the wiki and thank's Don, it really does make far more sense now.

It worked for me last time, it still works for me now but with some added recognition of theme and tone. It was a goodie, so well done whoever you are writer.

P.S. Never even heard of the show but my God, I don't swing that way, but Chuck Connors was an absolute dreamboat!! I can see him now, top off, riding a motorbike across the desert, gun in hand...massive black lab on his lap that he can't see past, crashing into a tree because his vision has been impared (I'm not letting it go).

P.P.S. not lowering the tone but I just can't get past the comedy element of that visual, definitely one of my favourites so far, writer

So I'm torn on this one. I really like the writing overall. The writer has a sharp eye for detail and the dialogue is well done. Very visual writing. Could easily see this as I read through it. Overall a quick and easy read. I liked the reboot taking place in the present as well.

Here's what I didn�t like � it seemed to go several pages after he was court martialed without anything happening. You only used 14 pages and several of them were just some expositional dialogue with the border guards and McCold hanging out in the woods.  I could live with that if you had used all 24 pages, but we need to get this show on the road with 14 at play.

Quick aside: McCord is wounded in battle and everyone else is killed. He's found amongst his men. That doesn't seem to indicate a dereliction of duty sufficient to drum him out of the army. Now maybe if he was found a hundred yards away because he had been drug there by the enemy, then you could make that argument. Just a thought.

When you did get into the action sequences, they were very nicely done. Tight and engaging, so well done there.  Clean up that middle part and I think this is a quality piece.

Best of luck,
Gary

Hello there,

wow, that's a huge 'step to the future' reboot. I appreciate the rebooted similarity of theme and intro etc. here, just not sure if the audience would connect/remember/associate.

However… good intro, the read is super smooth.

Plot flies by fine – just not sure of what he's actually accused of and vilified for, because this here is not the Wild West anymore where you may be a deserter because of simply surviving when nobody else has ;-) The intro said he was found unconscious on the battlefield… then re: the dream sequence: blood streamed from his face/injured leg – nothing to be vilified for or called a coward imo…

Okay. This was quick and very good.

I would have revealed the actual "goods" or the "men's faces" since I believe General Reed's involvement is enough of a cliffhanger and you should serve a complete episode with an ending that closes a circle of what has happened.

The puppy: great sidekick that of course has no use for him. It brings so much sympathy for the hero and also tons of tension when puppy goes for a walk into enemy territory; brilliant choice of you.

The pup's name Tonto and also the Episode title were confusing: no clue why you've chosen that Lone Ranger aspect and didn't stay only with the original series that you rebooted so qualified; that makes little sense to me.

All in all, great material, delivery, plot, everything. I'd even imagine the original theme would work super moody in contrast to that new picture.
Congrats from my side!

All I remembered about this show was the breaking of the saber and Chuck Connors walking out the fort's gate in the opening scene. Very impressionable scene as a five year old. Let's see where this goes....

Pg. 1 - Very contemporary. Afghan outpost. I see Restropo all over this.

Pg. 2 - Nice bulge. You got a puppy in there or are you glad to see me?

Pg. 5 - Colorado pot growers... have you seen the price of real estate in CO these days? They got to launder somehow, I suppose.

Pg. 6 - Who's Liz? Fiance? Sister?

Pg. 7 - End of dream sequence, I suppose? Let us know!

Pg. 9 - Winning!

Pg. 10 - Beware the grungie-hippy with a gun

Pg 12 - What's in the box!? ~Brad Pitt. A severed head?

Pg. 13 - I want her name. Sorry McCord, I don't think this is going to go better for her than you.

No complaints formatting besides the dream sequence ending. Decent banter and action. Need to explain why the coward label and dereliction of duty, unless it was because they ran out of ammo. Good stuff.

I liked this as a short or something. I have no idea what the series is going to be about.

The beginning montage tripped me though. Didn't care for it. And please forgive me for saying this - I didn't like the song as I don't think it fits the genre. It sounds comical to me - McCord walks and there's a song that he has to prove himself. But your call.

This also read like something in the past, not the recent series. Maybe due to the song.

My personal pet peeve - a lot of sentences here start with "I".
So, why he's a coward again? I don't think I missed it though, I think it's not there. In my opinion, this should be in the pilot. And a pilot should be much longer and contain much more than this. Even an episode, any episode is more. A sitcom episode, which is 20 pages or so, is more.
Although it's good for what it is, I think.

This is a good start to the reboot, but I think we need more information on what exactly happened at the outpost in Afghanistan. The theme song makes us believe that Jason left his comrades to die, but if he was the only survivor what made the army think the wounded and unconscious man is guilty of cowardice? Was there a witness, long-range surveillance, or a video on one of the dead soldier's personal phone?
Jason is probably not roaming the USA searching for some fresh air. So he's obviously looking for someone who can clear his name, or he has an idea of who might have set him up to take the fall for the fiasco that led to the massacre in Afghanistan. As well as this script is written, all we have right now is a shootout near the border that isn't even related to Jason's quest.
Why not increase Jason's peril? Perhaps the person responsible for the massacre is powerful and is afraid of Jason uncovering the truth. He's put a bounty on Jason's head, and there's no one Jason can turn to for help because every cop shop in the country has deep ties to the military and no way in hell are they going to help a coward.
Just a thought. Good job.

Never even heard of this series. So, you've got fresh eyes here.

Very well written. I was able to visualize this very well. I got a feel for all of the characters.

My only nitpick is the song that bookends this thing. It just didn't work for me. I don't know...

Quick, easy read. I'd read another episode. :)

I'm actually very curious to see who wrote this one. Just might have to check out some more of your work.

~Zack~

Writer,

I liked this one. Well drawn Characters, tight writing. My only gripe is that you left us hanging and you still had ten pages to play with. Finishing this would have been nice. I was along for the ride. Nice touch with the theme song - it sort of filled in the blanks for people like me who've never seen the show. Good job.

Steve

Let's hope I can find a Lone Ranger anything I actually like. (Hope I don't jinx the 2013 Disney movie.)

Not familiar with Branded beyond the theme song. I own one of those old albums of TV themes.

Episode 2... okay...?

"badly-wounded"

Quoted Text full Captain[']s dress

I love the setup and the use of the original theme. You tell us everything we need to know on the first page. Nice.

Is Enduro a proper name? Should it be capitalized?

Quoted Text The motorcycle meanders through the high desert as [a] towering saguaro cactus speeds by.

Currently, the language is within the limits of network TV. But one "fuck" and it's a cable show. Then again. this is the same FCC that took away net neutrality. ;D

Seems you're referring to the Battle of Kamdesh (October 3, 2009). Very contemporary twist on an old TV Western.

Is Yazzi pronounced "Yozzy" or "Yahtzee"?

Girl: "That's the cutest Tonto since Johnny Depp."

Now that I think about it, you should have capitalized BLACK LAB PUPPY'S face.

A brute showing his softer side? LOL. Love it.

"Nonetheless" is one word.

Quoted Text Trafficking. All sorts. Guns, drugs, people...shit, you name it.

Toeing the line into cable territory. ;D

You told us what the acronym MRE stands for. Smart. I wish every script had done this. I still don't know what the hell MCU is in one of the Knight Rider scripts.

Quoted Text The sky is full of stars and there's a moon on the rise.

A bad one? ;D

Quoted Text McCord pulls an old flip phone from his pocket

This is definitely not a Western anymore. ;D

Quoted Text Captain McCord puts himself in harm[']s way as he runs across the yard from nest to nest to check on his men. He has an ammo box in one hand and his pistol in the other.

Wow. Some "coward"!

El Jeffe just became EL Jefe.

Wow. This was a great script. This could totally work in present times. I'd definitely pick this up as a series. And if you could use the original theme recording, great. Excellent job. :)

I'd never seen Branded, but I liked this story, at least as much of it was here.

My recommendation would be to tone down the Lone Ranger homages a lot. Maybe he identifies himself at the checkpoint as "The Lone Ranger" as a joke... but Tonto and Silver is too much.

Nitpick: It's traditional, though not required, to put a / between lyric lines, since screenplay format will never let you get the line breaks right otherwise.

More than a nitpick: I concur with those above, there's no indication of desertion or cowardice (two separate offenses under the Uniform Code of Military Justice) in the dream sequence. If he was drummed out for a completely fabricated reason, that needs to be made more clear. Hard to fabricate around battlefield injuries.

Back to nitpick: Not sure every reader will know what a double-tap is, but it's easy enough to find out.

Maybe nitpick, maybe future plot point: The firing seven shots trick won't work if anyone checks the firing pin marks on the slugs in the badguys (which is standard in officer-involved shootings). She might still get the public praise anyway, but the Powers That Be will know something else happened.

A very good, well-written entry entry.

So this is a mashup. Okay, why not? It's high concept, giving The Lone Ranger a deeper backstory by making him Branded.

This needed the extra pages. 8 or 9 more pages would have set things up better to tell us what this show is going to be about. Presumably, McCord and Yazzi are going off the reservation (pun intended) to go after the corrupt general without knowing who it is yet. Okay, but what does that look like?

Fully a third of the script is set at the checkpoint introducing characters. Too long for this. Maybe you thought you were going to reach the full page limit but ran out of time, I don't know, but that was time wasted.

Otherwise, the writing is quite good. The dialogue could use another pass but the action is clear and descriptive, and the climax is well executed. Overall, good job, but not quite a TV show yet.