I thought I read this one already? Here goes.
Gustav Kottmann was "a German beet sugar chemist employed by the Colonial Sugar Refining Company in 1883." And apparently, he has something to do with this anime.
Text on screen is usually handled like so:
SUPER: It is a period of civil war. Rebel forces blah blah blah…
"Sig Sauer P210" apparently refers to a target pistol of some sort.
Are you sure it's a comma and not a decimal? And it's "bitcoin."
Quoted Text CLICK. Confirm order. CLICK. Link to decoy merchandise. RIGHT CLICK. Open new tab. Search: Black Nintendo N64. |
Boy, do I remember N64.
You changed Tenma from a Keanu Reeves expy into an older gentleman. You turned Neo into Paleo. :D
Quoted Text grey[,] well-fitted overcoat |
Also, "grey" indicates the predominantly-UK spelling. Here in the States, we spell it "gray."
A traditional cab or a Lyft/Uber type thing? You haven't indicated a time period.
Quoted Text I'm sorry. I got here[,] then I had to go back to grab my phone from the coffee shop. I'm sorry. |
Quoted Text Tenma eyes him; suspicious. |
A comma would also have been acceptable.
"One more" what "before closing" what?
Ha ha! Gamer nerd banter. It could be an Atari or a Genesis, for all we know! Or even a Philips CD-I.
Teras is an actual Elementary School in the Philippines.
So far, Tenma is the only established character.
Harry Potter pickup lines? No Potter spoilers, please. I'm still on the second book.
It's actually abbreviated ICU.
Quoted Text He draws a comic book which sticks like a sore thumb out of [feels out of place in] his serious book s collection. |
Quoted Text It's Detective Comics #27. |
This one?
Quoted Text His eyes well up[,] despite |
So far, everybody is a brand new character, except for Tenma.
Right now, each scene reads like a non-sequitur. Just random scenes.
Why didn't you introduce Matthew's mom as Andrea to begin with?
Quoted Text What's got you transfixed, sage Matthew? |
Who the hell talks like this? :D
Andrea sure talks weird, even by anime standards.
Quoted Text There might be (a) crazy sniper(s) out there. |
Pick one.
Quoted Text Small space[,] but |
You need to work on your commas.
Quoted Text basically The Rock's bigger brother |
Literally or figuratively? Or both? "Bigger" as in stronger/more muscular, or as in older?
Quoted Text as if it may fly. |
Huh?
Quoted Text BING BING ( 78 ), the shop owner, a small Chinese woman |
Is this a jab at Trump?
Quoted Text Tell me the size of your pants. |
Why can't she just say...
Quoted Text What size pants do you wear? |
It's one fewer word. It's also two fewer letters.
Quoted Text Why, Bing Bing[,] my love? |
Too melodramatic.
"Why?" - "Why, Bing Bing?" - or "Why, my love?" Pick one.
Quoted Text So I can keep a spare for you for the day you come here to pawn your pants. |
Even dubbed anime isn't this bad.
Try any of these variations:
Quoted Text So that whenever you pawn them, we'll have a spare. |
Quoted Text So we have a spare. |
Quoted Text Just in case you ever pawn them. |
Quoted Text One can never have too many pants. |
LEO
Quoted Text That day will never come. |
Too bland and generic. Spice it up a bit. :)
Quoted Text Like that'll ever happen! |
Quoted Text That'll be the day! |
Quoted Text When pigs fly. |
Quoted Text On that day, I'll be the King/Queen of England! |
Quoted Text I'll be [The King/Queen of England/The Pope/dead/fill in the blank] before that ever happens. |
Quoted Text The watch day came. Pants day can't be that far. |
I forgot you were rolling credits. That's usually not the writer's job anyway.
Quoted Text INT. THE CAB - DAY |
This should be at the top of the next page. Never put the beginning of a scene on the last line of a page. Ditto character tags, parentheticals, minislugs, and shot tags.
Quoted Text Tenma rides in the back with Yacine. |
If Yacine is in the back, who's driving?
Nina is our second character from the original series.
Is this animated? A mini-flinch would be too subtle to draw.
Is Tenma on the phone? I'm confused.
Okay, you tell us he hangs up. But you never told us he was on the phone.
Why is "Radio" capitalized?
Wait. How can we see them if they're on the radio? Or are they outside in front of the cab?
Quoted Text MATTHEW (removes the sheet) |
This is what I was talking about above. This should be at the top of the next page instead of the bottom of this one.
Quoted Text The level of detail s here is impressive. |
Quoted Text Do you [W]ant me to confiscate this thing it, Matt?
|
Quoted Text No, please. Not a real gun [It's not real], I swear.
|
Be economical in your dialogue. Listen to how people talk in real life.
Quoted Text Alright. Keep on pushing[,] then. |
Dr. Denton appears to be yet another character original to this script.
"drums" is a verb, right?
Quoted Text How many times did I [fucking] tell you not to take fucking risks with my patients?? |
I think it reads better than Denton repeating himself.
A female is a "blonde."
The Consititution should be capitalized, if you're referring to the "gold old US of A." Proper nouns/names should always be capitalized.
Quoted Text a [the] life of a child.
|
Quoted Text People who refuse to bury their weapon(s) |
I've never heard of the word "mountebank." I doubt a 9-year-old girl has, either.
Quoted Text The mountebanks(,) who take cover behind the (S)econd (A)mendment have never knew (known) the pain and the terror of a student taking cover behind his teacher(,) who was meant to educate(,) not to be a barricade. |
Quoted Text Some people start to clap along[,] but not for long. |
"Applause" is an uncountable noun, and therefore, you can treat it as singular.
Quoted Text He texts contact "Mom": "I'm walking back home. I'll be late." |
Quoted Text abstract-art-shit |
Wayne's one of the cops, right?
"Lord" is usually capitalized, even if it's not specifically referencing Jesus.
"Considering" what?
Goodbye, network TV.
"fresh[-]baked"
Quoted Text INT. TERAS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - DAY
Ale and Cameron walk the abandoned corridors hallway. |
Never repeat yourself.
Quoted Text It's closed. No sign of anyone being inside. [Empty.] |
Quoted Text the door['s] glass window. |
Easier to understand.
"CONTINIOUS" should be "CONTINUOUS." Even so, "CONTINUOUS" is almost never necessary.
Quoted Text table[']s barricade |
Lie = willingly lie down
Lay = made/forced to lay down
Learn the difference.
Even as an expression, Jesus Christ is a proper name and must be capitalized.
How do you knock with your badge?
Quoted Text INT. SCIENCE FAIR GALLERY - DAY |
Keep your slugs consistent. If your slug is INT. BOB SMITH'S HOUSE - DAY, don't change it to INT. BOB'S HOUSE - DAY. A slug should be exactly the same in each and every instance.
Quoted Text Tenma treads carefully. |
Quoted Text Danger might be lurking behind any stand -- under any table. |
Remember, ONLY write what we can see and hear.
"old, wooden TV set." CRT? Standard definition?
"School clinic." I'd change it to "school nurse."
Quoted Text Someone just show me the way. |
Oh, won't you... show me the way
I want you... to show me the way
I want you... day after day, yeah :D
Quoted Text I['ll] must come with you. You wouldn't know what the things I need they even look like. |
Quoted Text I can't risk [it.] having anyone outside with a gunman on the loose. |
Quoted Text She's bleeding to death! We need to move now.
|
Don't tell us she's bleeding to death, show us.
Quoted Text Jason, sweating like a son of [a] bitch, rubs his forehead. |
Quoted Text Why the [hell/fuck] is [nobody] here yet? |
Quoted Text Can anyone come with us to show us the way to the clinic[,] please? |
Quoted Text A 9 YEARS OLD 9-year-old, ROY, steps forward. Tears run down his cheek. |
"Marine" is a proper noun and must be capitalized.
Quoted Text Can we pick up the pace a little? She's only got six pints of blood. And someone just put a hole in her. |
Show it.
Quoted Text I know. I know. But what's the point if we take this long? To save her, [W]e gotta take some fucking risks. |
"Jason's iris"? Why can't you just say "Jason's eye"?
Quoted Text I want you close behind[,] like [to be] my shadow. |
Quoted Text INT. THE GYM - DAY |
The word "the" is almost never necessary in a slug. Think of news headlines.
Quoted Text Help is on [the] way, people. |
Quoted Text She is [N]ot good.
|
I didn't get that cut? What does it have to do with this scene? Seems like a random non-sequitur.
Quoted Text Those didn't sound like the first ones. The cop fired those shots.
|
Quoted Text ALE (O.S.) Open up!
JASON (O.S.) Open the door. |
Pick one.
Quoted Text -- DETECTIVE LEO |
I would remove the dashes.
"Still" meaning motionless, or "still" meaning nevertheless?
Also, there's an extra space separating Albert and Leo's dialogue.
Quoted Text No cab, and no cab driver yet. |
Redundant.
Quoted Text Where[']s your watch? |
Don't these guys ever use contractions? Not everybody speaks like an English teacher. :D
*SPOILERS*
Quoted Text So a [9-year-old] -- [a straight-A student] with a perfect record [--] hid a gun in plain sight[?] Fooled an [ex-Marine?] Committed an assassination and evaporated into thin air, while an armed Japanese guy, with no [I.D.], was roaming the school and the cab he took that morning [disappeared without a trace?] |
Quoted Text What a day. What a beautiful day. |
It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away :D
Why don't you describe the object? That's your job.
I had a feeling it was a stink bomb. Oh, boy, do I remember those. :D
It's "9-year-old," not "9 years old." The former is the person; the latter is the age.
Isn't Elon Musk the SpaceX guy?
Quoted Text Up some nosy asshole's asshole. |
I love this line. This would never be on network TV, but damn, I love this line. :D
It's "lost in thought," not "thoughts."
Quoted Text You don't remember if he pointed [it] at you or not? |
Quoted Text Jason shoots him in the chest once. Twice. |
Three times a lady! :D
Quoted Text BACK TO THE INTERROGATION ROOM: |
Should be "BACK TO SCENE" and on the left.
Quoted Text I don't think he did. He was as startled as much I was. He [spun] toward me and I just pulled the trigger. |
Quoted Text [Spun] toward you how? |
Quoted Text Maybe he was [just there] to help? |
Sounds more natural.
"Two surgery residents"? You mean patients?
Quoted Text And I knew the day [would] come when someone will pay the price for your stunts. |
I think it would be more dramatic if she just mouthed the words. Literally no sound. She can't bring herself to say it. Remember in School of Rock, Miss Lemons couldn't bring herself to say that "all this pressure" has turned her into a "bitch."
Huh? You mean the press? Media? Paparazzi? Not literal hyenas?
"I know my son. I know my Matthew."
Pick one. I like "Matthew" better.
"(Muted scene)" should be "(MOS)".
"mom" should be capitalized in this context.
Quoted Text Whatever you do, please don't stop loving me. I need your love and prayer now more than [ever]. And if the day comes where you think you just saw me and think you lost your mind, you didn't lose it. I will be watching over you. Because whenever I lose my strength, only seeing you smile can give it back to me. I love you, [Mom]. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. |
*SPOILER*
Quoted Text It's not the same Yacine we saw driving Tenma. |
WTF? :o
Quoted Text Mom, I'm home. [Why aren't you] on the porch waiting for me[?] I really needed that. |
Quoted Text (Harry Styles - Sign Of The Times) |
Oh, hell no! PLEASE, for the love of God, pick a better song by a better artist. How about "The Times They Are A-Chaingin'" by Bob Dylan?
Quoted Text INT. SOME APARTMENT - NIGHT |
Quoted Text a countdown at his last seconds |
His? Who's?
Quoted Text Then all automatic fire extinguisher(s) go off. It rains inside. |
Quoted Text Colored strings [connect] |
Quoted Text Pictures of Teras Elementary School [tie] to two photos |
Still, what does this even mean?
To be continued...