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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Comedy Scripts  /  All-Black Cast
Posted by: Don, June 11th, 2018, 4:45pm
All-Black Cast by Matthew Akisanya - Short, Comedy - A bumbling, mild-mannered Caucasian salesman tries to sell skin-lightening products at a Nation of Islam event. 22 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: HyperMatt, June 11th, 2018, 6:08pm; Reply: 1
It is set in London, but I suppose it could be set anywhere.
Posted by: HyperMatt, June 27th, 2018, 6:46am; Reply: 2
The warning at the start is a joke by the way. A lot of readers thought it was serious.
Posted by: Grandma Bear, June 27th, 2018, 7:46am; Reply: 3
Only had time to take a look at the first couple of pages before I have to leave this morning. I think this definitely has potential as being funny and I will try to read on, maybe later today.

First thoughts on the first two pages.

I don't think you need the warning at the beginning. You're setting up big expectations that way. If you then fail to deliver on that warning, people will be bummed. Joke or not.

Warehouse should come before copy room. Always start with the larger area first and then be more specific. For example, INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY.

Also use - rather than /.

...and a MARK

ALL LIGHT CASTE or CAST

Check for typos. I found several.

I would have liked to see better character descriptions in order to better keep them separated. Right now they blend into the same character. I stink at character descriptions, so it's not like I've never been told the same.  :)

Posted by: HyperMatt, June 27th, 2018, 8:11am; Reply: 4
All black cast is deliberate; our two hardworking are relabelling the incorrect labels.

Thanks for looking and suggestions. I will have another proofread (a couple I think!)
Posted by: Colkurtz8, June 27th, 2018, 12:19pm; Reply: 5
Matt

Technically, your writing is pretty solid. The prose is a bit bloated at times but the format is fine and its clear you know your way around what a script should look like.

Unfortunately though, I have to say that the story, character and tone just wasn't for me. Not my kind of humour at all. Very silly and screwball.

You had me curious with the advisory warning at the beginning, I understand now that it was done tongue in cheek as the potentially offensive subjects here are handled in a fairly mild and toothless way. If that is the point, fine, I just feel it would make for more compelling reading if it actually did challenge and unpack some of these issues. Comedy is probably the most effective genre in which to do that.

I know race seems to be a more explosive topic now than ever, a minefield of eggshells but the scenario here is so benign that the most “woke” of readers aren't going to get too hot under the collar...and where is the fun in that? Its just not funny or scathing or satirical or smart enough to land any real punches I reckon thus it feels like a wasted chance.

I can appreciate that this humour can work for some but I found it flat and frankly groan inducing at times.

There is potential of something funny here in the set up. You have a clever title and the idea of a man selling whitening cream to a bunch of black people probably has the makings of a good 5 minute sketch. At 22 pages though you are flogging whatever joke might be here to death...and then some.

Col.
Posted by: HyperMatt, June 27th, 2018, 1:33pm; Reply: 6
Thanks for the honest critic as always Col.
and thanks for the notes that you PM'd me.

It seems that this is a 'Marmite' script. Readers either love the humour or hate it.

I am, I think the term is 'Black British'. I love British irreverant humor like Monty Python, Kenny Everett, Dave Allen, Young Ones etc. It was those type of shows that influenced me to do this, not that I am in any way in the same ball park.
Posted by: HyperMatt, June 30th, 2018, 5:59pm; Reply: 7

Quoted from Colkurtz8


Unfortunately though, I have to say that the story, character and tone just wasn't for me. Not my kind of humour at all. Very silly and screwball.

Col.


Thank you so much for the notes you sent me Col. You pointed out mistakes I hadn't noticed. For somebody who does not like this kind of humour, you seemed to be amused by some of the lines.
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, July 3rd, 2018, 4:30pm; Reply: 8
Posted by: HyperMatt, July 3rd, 2018, 5:21pm; Reply: 9
I had nothing to do with it!!
Posted by: Zack, July 14th, 2018, 11:54pm; Reply: 10
Hey Matt,

Returning the read I owe ya. First things first, comedy is very subjective. I have a very strange since of humor, and this just didn't do it for me at all. Any humor in this went over my head or just flat out didn't work for me.

The good news is that you know how to write. I had no problem following the action. It flowed pretty well, although some of it was a bit unnecessary, like the full ingredients description of the drug label on the back of the tub. Seriously, why was that in an action line?

Unfortunately none of the dialog worked for me. It was very stilted and forced. Read the dialog back, you'll see what I mean.

Sorry to say that I stopped reading after page ten. This is a comedy, and I didn't laugh once. Again, comedy is subjective and this may just be me. If you have any horror/action/sci-fi shorts, let me know and I'll give it a look.

Zack
Posted by: HyperMatt, July 15th, 2018, 6:28pm; Reply: 11
Thanks for your thoughts Zack. I would have appreciated more  your thoughts on the whole of the script rather than half.
Posted by: Zack, July 15th, 2018, 6:41pm; Reply: 12

Quoted from HyperMatt
I would have appreciated more  your thoughts on the whole of the script rather than half.


Sorry Matt, but I won't force myself to read something I'm not enjoying. I read ten pages, that seems more than fair to me.

Zack
Posted by: HyperMatt, August 29th, 2018, 5:42pm; Reply: 13
I won't disagree with that. I do appreciate the comments.
Posted by: Matthew Taylor, November 2nd, 2018, 5:47am; Reply: 14
Hi Matt - Gave this a read as promised.

The Idea of a white guy selling a racist cream to turn black people white at a NOI event is an original one, a funny one, and a great set up for a funny story to commence.

I am sorry to say though, despite the premise, it fell flat for me.

The opening with Adrian and Mark - I don't feel this is necessary at all, it has really only told me two things - Graham has learning difficulties, and they have set him up - Now reading through the story there is nothing alluding to the fact he has been set up and we never hear of the first two characters again - and the fact he has learning difficulties could be shown through his actions and dialogue.

Marvin chasing the man out of the hall, also, I feel, goes on too long. Graham has shown up on page 6 - now this is where the story actually begins.

Reading the many chunks of action/description was a little laborious - I get the impression these can be re-written to condense them and make the flow of reading a bit easier.

Some of the comedy I felt was a little unnatural and forced.

I get hints that you are trying to poke fun at the NOI, but it does'n't go anywhere near as far enough for me. I think you can push this a lot further.

I also didn't feel anything for Graham - I neither loved nor hated him. I think his character can be expanded.

To summarise, I think you have the makings for a great story here, it just needs a lot of polish. The story should come first, the politics, the racism, explore the theme - then the comedy should come second, once the story is sound, the comedy will come naturally.

Hope the above helps in anyway.

Below I have a couple of notes of niggly little bits:

- Ponzi and pyramid schemes are not the same thing
- Why does his hand start burning so long after he holds the bowl?
- Why doesn't Kimbee realise there will be black muslims at the event when it's for NOI?
- you use unto a few times instead of into and onto
- ingredients list is redundant
-  few cases of double information and unfilmable description

All the best

Matt
Posted by: Clark, March 18th, 2019, 11:39pm; Reply: 15
Hey Matt,

I liked it. This one was easier for me to read/follow. I wished Adrian and Mark had been in it more. I like the idea of setting someone up for a joke, but did he think about how far the joke would go? Like, getting Graham beat up and or getting themselves fired for starting this? (Sorry I look to the bad side of everything) I feel like once he got to the convention the ones there didn't offer enough humor. Maybe if Graham had been stuck in a elevator with the characters or actually have him on stage trying to sell it, but he never came across as an idiot as he did try to make a selling point.

I liked the characters, but I wanted to see more humor (something like Tommy boy, the bosses son, whatever, to join the company they mess with him so messes up so bad type thing). At least shown the two at the beginning again, if you're gonna be mean I like like to see the mean pan out if setting  Graham up.

Still I liked it I read it rather quickly which is saying a lot for me.    
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