Twenty One by Simon Parker - Short, Drama - A father plans to ends his sons virginity when he turns twenty one. But his plan has his best friend in shock and terror. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Simon,

Holy shit!!! I read it.. Visualized it.. And lthen came a delayed reaction.. I liked it.


Daniel

This surprised me. I saw the ending coming, but what really surprised me was that extra dig you threw in by making the son a hulking brute. John is in for a world of hurt.

I think the premise works very well. The sticking points for me are when Ben leaves John alone, it clearly wasn't to go get his son so why did he do that? Make it a plausible excuse, like going to the bathroom or getting a couple more beers for them. Ben doesn't need John to keep an eye on her, nobody was keeping an eye on her before they entered the room.

You could strengthen the surprise of the ending by making it clear Ben didn't have a choice when he lost his virginity, like a literal gun on him or something, maybe even the same gun. Make it seem like Ben's son will likewise have no choice, that maybe John has a chance the son will refuse. But Ben's son has been fully prepped for this moment, groomed for it, which is why he doesn't even bat an eye when it turns out to be a man and not a girl.

The dialogue could use some work, it's a bit wooden and some of the reactions aren't realistic.

Great short, and easy to film. You stand a good chance of getting it made or filming it yourself if that's your goal.

Excellent story! During his absence, maybe Ben went to pick up his son (the son doesn't drive...he's a complete moron). Difficult to imagine that a "muscular, big boy is still a virgin at 21). High School, parties etc. Maybe, you need a better description of the big boy. In essence, however, it's a smart script.
My best,
Fausto

Two nit issue:

INT. ROOM - DAY

Quoted Text The room is completely empty apart from a long table that has a bedsheet covering something on it.

No need to restate "the room. Start with completely.

Quoted Text BEN, 40, and JOHN, 35. Both drunk and still with beer bottles in their hands.

I would add a "enter" at the end of the sentence.

Logic issues:

1. Yeah, she's gagged and tied - but really, just a motionless, soundless lump under the sheet? No movement trying to escape? No muffled screams? Not buying that.

2. Why would he be left alone with the girl AFTER he expressed all of his disapproval of what was going on?

3. So he starts with a girl in a bikini for his son and ends up with a middle age man.  Yes, I know you foreshadowed the doubt about his orientation earlier - but the father ignored it and went with the girl so he's changing his opinion now because....???

Sorry, for me - to many holes in the story to enjoy it.

Sorry, but this didn't work for me at all.

The writing is all over the place. Read back some of these action lines, some of them just don't make sense. Every action line is a shot in the movie. The action needs to flow, and here it just doesn't.

And don't even get me started on the dialog. It's very stilted and doesn't read naturally at all IMO.

Interesting concept, very weird and out there. There is definitely potential here. I'd say it's worth a rewrite.

Zack

Few questions ...

- I assume that Ben knew his son was gay, or how else could he risk his son not losing his virginity on his birthday like he wanted?

- Why isn't Ben concerned about the girl escaping?

- What's stopping John from leaving the room as soon as Ben was gone, or call the cops?

Not a bad story idea, just needs a good re-write to work some things out.

Bit of a nitpick though, but ...

Quoted Text Ben exits out the door.                      BEN Now that present is from me and your Granddad, so enjoy.

Why is Ben saying this after he already left the room?

Hi Simon.

I enjoyed this. Just my kind of demented story.

I don’t know if the writing needs work or if it just wasn’t a clean edit, but I think you will pick up the issues if you read it through again.

I personally didn’t like that the son was some massive unit, it makes the story less ‘normal’. What I think he should be just a run-of-the-mill 21 year old or even a scrawny guy. I think the story is so full on that it would be good to make the son a more sympathetic character. That way it’s more along the lines of that the father’s mental state was messed up due to his forced rape, and he thinks it’s a normal tradition. No reason for the son to think the same thing.

Could have the son commit the act at gunpoint and don’t make him gay. Just make him have to lose his virginity with whatever is on offer (the Girl or John).

I really think you should flesh this out a bit more and clean it up

It's so easy so film with a great and disturbing payoff.

Congrats.