Hi Fausto,
Haven’t read anything from you in a while so decided to give this a look.
I'm not sure there is much of a story here or any real payoff.
If it was filmed it would mainly be a phone conversation, not even an intercut one just a one-view conversation.
Quoted Text INT. APARTMENT - ROOM - HALF HOUR LATER |
You would only see the HALF HOUR LATER if it was written as a SUPER. I don’t think this exact amount of time has any relevance to the story and I think a LATER slug would be sufficient.
The dialogue is quite on the nose. Both woman say exactly what they are thinking, absolutely nothing is left to subtext.
Quoted Text INT. COFFEE SHOP - MINUTES LATER
Emily holds a cup of steaming coffee.
A radiant smile illuminates her features.
INT. COFFEE SHOP - SAME TIME
Emily places the cup in front of Siena.
|
The second slug isn’t required and isn’t technically correct. It's not the same time, if anything it's CONTINUOUS. Again it’s really not relevant as we will assume the coffee is made and then delivered in the amount of time it takes to carry out that task. You can eliminate the second slug completely and you lose nothing.
The title and logline are out of place and misleading.
The Barista - Does this really hold any significance to the story? Sure she is a barista, but so what?
Logline - I don’t know what the life-changing decision was. I mean maybe not to take her partner back? That doesn’t feel like much of a payoff.
Maybe turning the conversation into an intercut so you can see both speakers reactions will add something but probably not enough.
Unfortunately this one wasn’t for me. Just too thin a story.
All the best.