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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Short Drama Scripts / For Those Of You Who Don't Know Me
Posted by: Don, July 3rd, 2018, 3:19pm
For Those Of You Who Don't Know Me by Devin Clarke - Short, Drama - An emotional closed off brother attempts to write a eulogy for his sister prove fruitless, until her ghost returns to show him how difficult her loss is going to be. 6 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted by: eldave1, July 3rd, 2018, 8:13pm; Reply: 1
Several issues out of the shoot.
Quoted Text INT. GRAHAM’S APARTMENT |
Need to have DAY or NIGHT at the end of the slug.
Quoted Text GRAHAM sits in a sharp black suite. Not a single hair out of place. But something is hidden underneath his cool demeanor. A loud CRUNCH of metal is heard, followed by police SIRENS.
|
Give us an age for Graham and some description.
Quoted Text But the street is empty. This crash has already happened. |
How could we know this? We're inside the apt. Also - doesn't make sense - if there were a crash - at least the cars would be in the street.
Quoted Text GRAHAM I don’t know how this is happening but since you’re here, have a look at your eulogy? I’m almost done, you can proof it. |
Stopped here. His reaction seems totally unrealistic - he's seeing the ghost of his sister and his primary reaction is to seek assistance with proofing the eulogy??
Posted by: Devin, July 10th, 2018, 9:24am; Reply: 2
Hi eldave1,
Thanks for your feedback. I will look at and make these changes. This is all good stuff.
I think these are all easy fixes. The crash sound can be cut, or there could be a POV out the window on the empty street.
And Graham could just stare at her in disbelief, awkward pause and she looks at the computer screen.
Posted by: eldave1, July 10th, 2018, 11:44am; Reply: 3
Hi eldave1,
Thanks for your feedback. I will look at and make these changes. This is all good stuff.
I think these are all easy fixes. The crash sound can be cut, or there could be a POV out the window on the empty street.
And Graham could just stare at her in disbelief, awkward pause and she looks at the computer screen.
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Glad they helped
Posted by: Devin, July 10th, 2018, 5:23pm; Reply: 4
They Did, I've dug into the script and its turning into a page one rewrite. So I hope to post the new version soon. thanks again.
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