The Swans by Ralph Avery - Drama - A down-and-out pilot living in a bayou in Louisiana is redeemed through the love and devotion of a mysterious woman, but fate conspires to require the ultimate sacrifice in this updated telling of the timeless legend of "Swan Lake." 98 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Ralph, I liked this initially, but it then ran into a couple of small issues:

- maybe lose the camera references

- third paragraph is very long, and maybe break that up a little

- George is of indeterminate age, maybe mid-30's; so mid-30's then.

- shouldn't a slatternly young waitress be a young slatternly waitress?

- is the 'romantic mood' bit meant to be tongue-in-cheek?

- the mini-slug MOVING isn't required as you then go to the full-slug

- once George meets Randy you seem to forget about locations and slugs altogether for a while? not sure what happens here, but need another look ...