Feast by Curtis Threadgold - Short, Horror - An anxious hostess must rescue an abducted girl on the day of an important dinner party. 13 pages. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Curtis, if you're around to read this, I thought this was a nice little short. The twist is was unexpected and worked well.

It seems like a simple little short that could be filmed easily. In fact, the setting reminded me of my own house and I could see the action and scenes clearly.

IMO, I think you can end it right after the twist. Everything after that I felt was unnecessary.

Good work!

Hi Brandon

Thanks for taking the time to read this and comment. You’re not the first to have made the comment regarding the ending so I will certainly take that into consideration.

Much appreciated

Curtis

Hi Curtis,

The twist is great.... I agree about ending it there though.

SPOILER

Is Vera a stranger or Kerry's mother? since he said I won't let her take you again. I assumed it was her mom straight away. But Vera didn't seem to care as much about unconscious Kerry as she did making sure Dad was dead or gone. so maybe she isn't her mom.

I understand the short sentences to give an effect, but in this case it seemed to drag. I think it's because I was feeling a sense of urgency, her 'daughter' had been kidnapped.

I felt the car jack being in the front seat was a little too convenient and unrealistic.

I like how you made it seem he was the bad guy only to reveal she was. didn't see it coming... so good job...!

Good luck with it.

Cheers K

Thanks both. I have one question for you though. Did you both pick up on the cannibal subplot or is it too subtly conveyed at the moment? As I said earlier, people have commented that it should end after the initial twist, but in some cases this was because the reader didn’t spot this and consequently saw the second half as totally irrelevant. I only ask because Kirsten was unsure whether Vera is Kerry’s mother or not. She very much isn’t. She has abducted her to kill and eat her. Just wondering if you think I need to make this more explicit/clearer or not.

Hey Curtis,

This was an entertaining read, with a good twist.

I knew something was up when the girl got nabbed and Vera did not call the police, but went after them. I don't think you need to make the cannibalism aspect clearer at all, it works better IMO as it is.

The ending scene with the shed doesn't seem needed unless you are going to show the reader what Vera has done to the little girl and take all hope away from the reader that the little girl may have made it. But I think the reader is smart enough to put it all together without you stating it.

Good job, keep it up.

Thanks for the feedback and kind words.