Boom Boom Jackson by Daniel Walker - Short, Drama - A champion boxer reflects on his life, 15 years ago, in his final moments.  9 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I like the story.

This piece of dialogue...

Quoted Text BOOM BOOM I can’t believe you represent this piece of shit. I’ll give her two hundred grand. That’s it.

Appears twice.

Not sure you need four reapers - think it would work more effectively with one. Just my opinion.

Nice job

Hi Dave,

Thanks for reading.

Yes. Boom Boom starts the sentence again because he's interrupted by one of the GR's.

There's 4 GR's, simply to help carry props. No over reason..lol.

I wanted to write something that was located indoors and could be filmed in one take.  


Daniel

Daniel,

Wasn't sure what to make of this going in, but it proved an oddly arresting read - though more for the execution than the character.  In that respect I don’t know that I was taken in by Boom Boom’s plight - he was a victim of his own excesses and kills in cold blood which makes it hard to empathize. The Reaper doing the line of coke was a nice touch - suggested it wasn’t taking itself too seriously.  

I’m torn on whether I’d care much for the character, but I could see the general idea working on screen - on stage even.  Have you thought about playing around with a range of characters?  It almost has a stage play quality to it with the reapers changing the set as the story unfolds.  I’m guessing the idea would be to focus on Boom Boom the whole time with the Attorney, Director, Press etc. just implied O.S?  I wasn’t entirely sure.

Can’t say I care all that much for Boom Boom Jackson but it is an interesting take on a short and I could see it getting some interest due to the simplicity.

Best of luck with it,

Steve      

Quoted from DanielW Hi Dave, Thanks for reading. Yes. Boom Boom starts the sentence again because he's interrupted by one of the GR's. There's 4 GR's, simply to help carry props. No over reason..lol. I wanted to write something that was located indoors and could be filmed in one take.   Daniel

Daniel - it's word for word.

Quoted Text BOOM BOOM I can’t believe you represent this piece of shit. I’ll give her two hundred grand. That’s it. A Grim Reaper scurries away, interrupting Boom Boom. The Grim Reaper quickly returns with an office chair. The Grim Reaper hand waves Boom Boom to stand up, as he replaces the stool with the chair. The Grim Reaper falls back into line. Boom Boom looks back at the Grim Reaper. The Grim Reaper impatiently instructs him to sit down, which he does. BOOM BOOM (CONT’D) I can’t believe you represent this piece of shit. I’ll give her two hundred grand. That’s it.

Think it should be something like:

BOOM BOOM
I can’t believe you represent this
piece ---

A Grim Reaper scurries away, interrupting Boom Boom.
The Grim Reaper quickly returns with an office chair.
The Grim Reaper hand waves Boom Boom to stand up, as he
replaces the stool with the chair. The Grim Reaper falls back
into line.
Boom Boom looks back at the Grim Reaper. The Grim Reaper
impatiently instructs him to sit down, which he does.

BOOM BOOM (CONT’D)
Represent this
piece of shit. I’ll give her two
hundred grand. That’s it.

Got it on the need for prop carriers.

Best of luck with this. Should get a bite.

Dave,

You’re right. I didn’t need him to repeat it again to the letter. Maybe start it, in comes the interruption, and then continue where he left off. That would have been more natural.

Steve,

I wanted to drop ‘Flasbacks’ and have the character actually demonstrate what happened, on the run. And I wanted to do something different.
I’ve been playing around with this, on and off, for about 4 months.

Stage show? I agree. A ‘No-Budget’ High school production maybe?

I think the idea is there, and I would welcome some “fresh eyes” to come up with that Wow factor. (I would prefer keeping one character and one shot though)

Daniel