Pergo's Beast by Mitchell Gray (Mgray)  writing as  - Short, Drama - A lonely young woman escapes into the night as a shaggy beast, but the other costumed nightwalkers shun her when her head comes off. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Well written in term of format, etc.

I didn't quite get the story. Vivid - yes. Different - yes. As I read it was a continuing "what's going on here." The problem is that I felt that same way at the end. Also, aside from the ice down the costume - I could not see how this related to heat. i.e., would have liked to seen more on how did this strange behavior and these strange people have their genesis in heat?  

The story is very interesting, definitely something there and for a short story is really well done. I enjoyed it.

Writo (Aussie slaaaaang for writer, probably),

So this is a bit all over the place. Agree with Dave that the visuals are cool, and it's well written, but I just couldn't reign it in and find out what on earth was going on.

There's suspense and heat, so we'll done there. No issues with formatting (with exception to no fade out or end), typos, and pacing rose and fell in the right spots, good writing.

I'd say this is a pretty good one. No idea what the hell was going on but it was pretty good.

Cam

This is well written and visual, and there's definitely a story here. It's a shame we're never let in on what's really going on.

I thought Comic-con at first, all these creatures on their way to a convention, so the ritual was a strange and delightful surprise. We don't know the rules though, and you did a great job showing the consequences of breaking one of them when she takes her head off, but the ending hinges on us knowing what her fate is and we'll never know. This is where dialogue might have really helped shed a light on the happenings of the story.

Still, I enjoyed it, and it does have an ending of sorts, however frustrating it is. Good job.

What a bizarre little story. I loved it. It makes me want to get a costume and roam the city in the early hours to see reactions.

Well written. I could envision the story from start to finish. I pictured this taking place in Prague, for whatever reason.

Nicely done, writer!

Something works, something doesn’t

The unusual aspect of large costumes, the rituals, the problems of a secret group, they work.

The dynamics of the script and the punch line are off.

What is the message you want say? That unusual is good? That we can defend each other, even we don’t know each other?

That the hand monkey is bad...err...

The visuals were good. Pace wise it felt slack, needs to be more dynamic.

Not there, but one of those idea with potential.

Sorry but I have no idea what this is about, who these people are, and why the main char is named Pergo lol.

The weather aspect isn't there. Its formatted and written well, just seems like a bizarre scene from a bigger picture.

The build up was very intriguing. I loved your description of her putting on the costume and how she met the others. It really hooked me up but just finding love wasn't what I was expecting. I thought you would tell me more about this event or at least put her in graver danger than just tearing her costume head apart.

Other than that, your writing is great and I got nothing to complain about except your choice to reveal what the costume is depicting only in the end of the scene. I was confused and kept wondering what is it and it threw me off a bit.

I have to say the logline needs a little work here.

I feel like the writing is a little heavy … could trim down some to get to the ‘story’ faster.

This has a lot of mystery to it.. But I think the story needs more thinking out. Like I’m confused why she goes to the ritual. There is not any tension about going. She is shunned and then rescued sort of by another woman dressed like a creature but not sure anything much has happened. Like she did not change or have any character arc really. Were they going to kill her? If they were going to… may have made me root for her more and feel better when the other creature costume person saved her from the group… but wouldn’t they both have been shunned then?

I do love the visual of these creatures dancing ritualistic around a large fountain under the moon. That is a fantastic visual!

Good work.

The logline made no sense to me. As I’m reading the script I’m thinking maybe the writer’s first language isn’t English so I took this into account.

Well written as a short story, and it does has some great visuals, but as a script it would need work to be more industry standard. The story was surreal and I wasn’t really sure what was going on or why but I was intrigued and read until the end. I think maybe this is some sort of myth of legend I’m unaware of, something that if you were you’d understand it completely.

This is different and it sticks with you. Good job writer,  well done for entering a challenging OWC and trying something quite original.

OK, here we go again - it's hot and the idiot character sits by an open window?  WTF?  I must be missing something...do normal peeps not have A/C?  I have mine running 24/7, and cranked down under 70 degrees every single night.

"She hears..." - or is it that we hear this?  You know when you write "he hears" or "He sees", you're showing more than what it is he sees and in the case of hearing, it's more than just the noise(s).  You get me?

If there is banter or a conversation going on, this is already DQ'd.

She, She, She...over and over.  Try and mix your sentences up a bit.  I know, without dialogue, it's tough, as everything is action or description, but it reads poorly.

Uh...WTF is supposed to be going on here?

OK...so...hmmm...uh...WTF?  Obviously, I don't get it, because there's nothing here to get.  We don't know where we are, what's going on, or who anyone is, as there no character to these characters.

Total waste of time, sorry to say.

Gonna pile on here and say I just didn't get this one at all. Really interested in an explanation from the writer. Maybe this just went over my head?

The writing itself is good and kept me going. I had no real problems with visualizing what was on the screen.

Good effort.

Zack

Wow, those furries are real a-holes, I think they're called furries anyways.

Writing was well done, everything flowed nicely and it was easy to visualize what was going on.

Like others though I don't really know what this was all about. She clearly shows dedication to this group being willing to throw on a costume on a sweltering morning. Was this an initiation to the group? I kind of get the feeling that this group is the only relationship she has with anyone. I may be way off on this, but I think this is about her realizing she doesn't have to put herself through hell just to fit in.

Good work.

Hey, writer...

Your action and description were detailed, imaginative, and original.  Excellent writing.

You pulled me into the story immediately, however...

Once I was in the story, I couldn't figure out where I was. I assumed I was in a foreign culture,
because other than Halloween, Americans don't usually wear big animal costumes in excessive
heat.  Unless you work at Disney World.
What I would have liked was some sort of a poster or sign on the street hinting to where this ritual was taking place and maybe the name of the holiday or occassion.  

Once outside, the story just got more confusing to me.  The actions of the other animals made no sense.  I'm glad Pergo found a friend at the end, but the ending really didn't shed any more light onto the story.

FADE OUT or THE END please.

I think this woud make an excellent short story if you elaborate a little more and allow us to take part in the story.  You expertly pulled me, but kept me at arm's length.  

Thanks for entering and good luck.

This was pretty well written, with plenty of imagination, but also a strange tale that left me more than a little confused.

There was a lot of mystery with no real payoff, and when it finished I had no idea what had just happened.

Visually this would work really well if filmed – I could imagine it being a music video directed by someone like Spike Jonze or Michel Gondry.

Maybe some dialogue between Pergo and Siana would help clear some of it up, because as it is, there’s no real clue as to why Pergo’s doing this, what the ritual is for, and why they react the way they do to her taking the costume head off.

Jeff hates this script, which can only mean one thing: This is a masterpiece. Let's see if I'm right.

Quoted Text A FEW MINUTES LATER [no hyphen]

Quoted Text She looks [at] the costume

This reminds me of Where the Wild Things Are.

Quoted Text The only sound the SHUFFLING OF FEET, the Creatures begin a slow, perfectly coordinated ritual dance. Hands stretch out to the fountain.  Up to the moon. [paragraph break]  Giant heads swivel right, left, back to centre. The moonlight glints in black eyes as the hypnotic choreography unfolds.

Too many ideas at once. Break it up into separate paragraphs. Generally:

One idea, one shot, one paragraph.

Quoted Text Bodies pivot to the right at the hip, then a three-point turn, and [then] [they face] left.

Try to avoid passive voice whenever possible.

An orphan at the end of the page.

Quoted Text With Pergo still clinging to Siana’s arm, they walk out of the square and into the night.

And then what happens? It's your job to "FADE OUT", "THE END".

Overall, pretty solid. I could definitely see Guillermo del Toro directing this. Ignore Jeff; this is a wonderful script. Just a few tweaks ought to do. Good job.

Quoted from ChrisBodily Jeff hates this script, which can only mean one thing: This is a masterpiece. Let's see if I'm right.

Chris, I honestly can't remember the last time you were right, in terms of your advice and feedback.

Quoted from ChrisBodily Ignore Jeff; this is a wonderful script. Just a few tweaks ought to do. Good job.

Chris has spoken.  Ignore all the peeps who said they had literally no clue what was going on here or why.

Great advice, once again, Chris.  You're a fucking genius!

Intriguing logline. Writing seems solid. Could picture everything clearly.

The problem is, I don't know what any of it means. I might be missing something pretty obvious here but I read it twice and still no clue. I was half expecting Pergo to wake up from some sort of fever dream at the end due to the heat, but as far as I can tell this all played out in real life.

If your aim was to write a surreal story with some nice imagery, you achieved it in spades.

I enjoyed the path you lead me down even though I'm not quite sure where I ended up.

I'm another one who didn't know what was going on or why they all met by the fountain.
Are they real monsters or people in costume?
Why are they there?
Cindy

The logline seems as detailed as the script.

Sorry didn't work for me and another without using summer heat/ winter cold as a parameter

Good job on entering

Writer,

This seemed written well. Wasn't much of an issue following this. If only I could figure it all out that might be a good thing. My rating on this won't be super because I just had no idea what you were trying to tell me with this. Perhaps it's something grand that I'm not privy to, or maybe something simple. I thought the ending was sweet. Anyway, not for me.


Steve

Hi Everyone,

Many thanks for your comments in the OWC on "Pergo's Beast." I got the message that the story was a bit cryptic.

I've revised it, just enough, I hope, to make the story arc clearer. I would love to hear from some of you if it now catches your attention a little more. I'm trying to keep it mysterious, but not so much that it's off-putting.

Essentially, I've tried to highlight that Pergo is lonely, she has joined the night-time ritual for whatever reason, and it gets her out with other people, but it's not the cure for loneliness, because it's strictly anonymous. But when the heat becomes unbearable and she takes her costume head off, she breaks the anonymity code and is instantly rejected, but it leads her to connect with another young woman who comes to her rescue, so perhaps Pergo is better off than before. It remains to be seen. But at least she's got a shot at connection now.

The revision is posted under "unproduced" with the others. I would love to hear your thoughts on the revision.

Many thanks in advance!

And I am very happy to answer questions about my feedback on your OWC submissions if any of you have them.

Cheers,
Mitchell