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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  July 2018 One Week Challenge  /  Killer Vibes - OWC
Posted by: Don, August 4th, 2018, 9:23am
Killer Vibes by 0 - Short, Action - Sent to a music festival to perform a hit, a reluctant assassin struggles with both the mission and the unknown foe that stalkes her. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: DA_S1lva (Guest), August 4th, 2018, 11:08am; Reply: 1
This one is my favorite script so far. It has a good interesting story and is something I would watch. I hope to see this on screen someday.
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), August 4th, 2018, 1:43pm; Reply: 2
Title Page is a dead giveaway that this is going to be problematic, with the "cutesy" little blurb about the permission issue.  Not the way to begin a serious script.

No clue what's happening on Page 1.  You transition with a Mini Slug from Carla's house to some road.   How does that work?  Then, you have Carla staring at him (from inside her house, even though we're now on a road, and then this Mr Grey walks through a faceless cloaked figure?  WTF?

What is a "draw"?

I'm just completely lost.  So, this 25 year old chick, Carla, is an assassin, and her hit happens to be at some giant music festival, that just so happens to be in the same city that she lives?  And we have some cloaked figure walking through peeps randomly.  Really?  Oh...and she just so happens to have a special tent set up at the is music festival?  Wow...

OK, wait...there are all sorts of tents at the music festival, huh?  Where the heck are we?

I'm pretty clueless to what this is supposed to be, but 1 thing I'm very clear on is that it's not for me in any way.  You have Slugs of NIGHT, then DAY, and then back to NIGHT, but they seem to be going on at the same time, which makes no sense.  Carla 2?  WTF?  No clue.

Not for me, sorry to say.
Posted by: eldave1, August 4th, 2018, 7:46pm; Reply: 3
I got to draw the line somewhere. There is absolutely no connection of the story or the characters to hot or cold. This:


Quoted Text
In the warm sunshine Carla sets up the chair, opens a slim
file and sits down to read. Inside is a small card.


Is as close as it gets and it's not near enough, IMO.
Posted by: Grandma Bear, August 5th, 2018, 10:11am; Reply: 4
I liked it. It was an easy read and kept me interested.

I don't think the flashback is necessary. It would work just as well without it.

I definitely saw suspense, but not much of any summer heat.

Good job though. I liked it.  :)
Posted by: Cameron (Guest), August 5th, 2018, 10:30am; Reply: 5
Whilst I disagree with Dave's weather Nazi angle,  this one doesn't seem overly hot so not sure it qualifies.

The story really does roam. We've got 6 full pages and it just puts on it's hiking boots and rambles all over the place, making questionable sense as it goes. In fact you've gone so far into the page count that there's no room for a FADE OUT or END.

The writing was alright and the author seems to know how to create a story, but I think you've tried to flood the 6 pages and so we end up lost. At least I got lost, could be my fault but don't think so.

Well done for entering,

Cam
Posted by: MarkRenshaw, August 5th, 2018, 10:43am; Reply: 6
I agree that the summer heat link is tenuous at best her but man, what a script. I love this. You've taken an assassination story and given it a great original spin. 6 pages and you even fit in the backstory.

This shows imagination and creativity.

My favourtite by far so far. Well done writer, well done.

-Mark
Posted by: eldave1, August 5th, 2018, 11:44am; Reply: 7

Quoted from Cameron
Whilst I disagree with Dave's weather Nazi angle,

Cam


You gave the laugh of the day - thanks. If I wouldn't lose track of my threads from changing my user name I would no doubt change it from eldave1 to Weather Nazi :)

Damn - I could have even used that as a title for a script. Where were you when I needed the inspiration! :)
Posted by: Cameron (Guest), August 5th, 2018, 11:47am; Reply: 8

Quoted from eldave1


You gave the laugh of the day - thanks. If I wouldn't lose track of my threads from changing my user name I would no doubt change it from eldave1 to Weather Nazi :)

Damn - I could have even used that as a title for a script. Where were you when I needed the inspiration! :)


Haha, kinda stolen/influenced off Sienfeld but I'll claim it!! Just another success from the Cam Gray Nickname Generator TM
Posted by: eldave1, August 5th, 2018, 11:54am; Reply: 9

Quoted from Cameron


Haha, kinda stolen/influenced off Sienfeld but I'll claim it!! Just another success from the Cam Gray Nickname Generator TM


No heat for you! Next!
Posted by: stevie, August 6th, 2018, 7:05pm; Reply: 10
As well as no weather input, there would be snippets of dialogue within the crowd so two birds lol

Very ambitious for a 6 pager and written pretty well. But I think it tries to be too mysterious and ethereal for its own good.
Posted by: ChrisBodily, August 7th, 2018, 4:49am; Reply: 11
Right out of the gate: It "stalks", not "stalkes".

This better be 1000x better than "Too Hot," which couldn't have lived up to its title less. In other words, if I make it past page 2, pat yourself on the back.

@Jeff, fuck you, I like the copyright notice. ;D The font, not so much. I'd stick with 12pt Courier.

That being said, I would have capitalized "This screenplay," and I most certainly would have avoided the two spaces before the exclamation points.

Bold slugs? Some like 'em, some hate 'em.

Does the music festival have a name? Like Woodstock? Altamont? Monterey? Lollapalooza? Coachella? Warped Tour? OzzFest?

Is this regular Courier? "a" and "s" look weird.

"long[-]range"


Quoted Text
A sniper’s cross hairs on his head.


"crosshairs" is one word. Regardless, this reads awkward.


Quoted Text
MR[.] GREY


Grey? Is this gonna be... :X Oh, he's 65. Couldn't be THAT Mr. Grey, unless this is the AARP version... 50 Shades of Actual Grey.

Why is "through" in italics? Nothing should be in italics, ever.


Quoted Text
Like the ghost from A Christmas Carol.


Be specific. It's The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come (or Future). Remember, there are four ghosts, if you count Jacob Marley and don't count Scrooge himself. Also, I would put this at the end of the previous paragraph.


Quoted Text
Carla sits on the bed, the target photo alongside [her].


Reads better.

Is Carla Batgirl? ;D


Quoted Text
Her face softens, as an old memory returns.


Remember, we can't hear her thoughts unless you show us, either visually or auditorily.


Quoted Text
She delves into a draw, finds a necklace made of beads.


You mean a "drawer"? A draw means a fight that neither side won. Or it means (as a verb) to draw something.

"Buzzing" with excitement, alcohol or insects?


Quoted Text
An excited crowd queues to enter.


Huh? I'd change "queues" to "waits".

"Rucksack"? Why not just call it a backpack?


Quoted Text
Carla, carrying a rucksack and dressed in colourful clothing, plus the necklace, heads through security.


Remove that modifier and your sentence will read better. You can add the necklace in a separate sentence.

What is a pre-assembled tent? Don't you have to set them up?


Quoted Text
In the warm sunshine[,] Carla sets up the chair, opens a slim file and sits down to read. Inside is a small card.


Carla sets the warm sunshine up on the chair? "Inside" of what "is a small card"?


Quoted Text
LAUGHTER [no comma] from some FESTIVALGOER’S [cause] her to look up.


Very unprofessional grammar. This is clearly a first draft. Not sure if English is your native language.

I would cap the ROCK BAND.


Quoted Text
Carla, 12, and her MOTHER, (40, an older version of Carla)


Literally? As in the same actress?

Flashback sequence? You just did a montage.

"semi[-]conscious"

Okay, your English is better than I suspected, but you still need to work on punctuation.

It's "Mr." with a period.

What officials?

Who or what is Yurt?


Quoted Text
A sprawling field of YURT’S.


Redundant. Scratch it out.


Quoted Text
Lots of ‘happy campers’.


Is that sarcasm?

Hawk capitalized? Why? Hawk lenses? Ethan Hawke?

If I were you, I'd remind readers who Joseph is, since you've only mentioned him once up to this point and then forgot about him.

Any specific beer? Bud? Coors? Corona? Jägermeister?

Just "Joseph" or his full name? Good luck with Google, then. ;D

Google says a yurt is a portable tent. Never heard of it. Why is it capitalized? Proper noun?

"Friends" capitalized? The TV show?

"Carla 2"??? WTF are you even talking about? If this weren't the last page, I'd bail.

Which Carla is which? Tell us.

"headphones" is one word. And I hope they're good ones.

"Walkers"? Is this a Walking Dead crossover?


Quoted Text
Behind, Mr Grey collapses off the bench.


And then what happens? No FADE OUT? No THE END?

The writing is clearly a first draft, and the story is meh.
Posted by: SAC, August 7th, 2018, 10:32pm; Reply: 12
Writer,

Maybe it's me, maybe it's late. I just couldn't get a handle what was going on or why. I didn't get the references to young Carla, or why she had a last minute change of mind. Or any of it, truth be told. Nice effort getting one in, but the story was lost on me.

Steve
Posted by: Anon, August 8th, 2018, 12:28pm; Reply: 13
For me the summer heat thing is an issue when judging. If writer don't stick to the brief, they could just put any old short they already have in.

Having said that - I'm sure that's not what's happened here. I quite liked the end but you really need to make this easier to follow.
Posted by: SteveUK, August 8th, 2018, 2:39pm; Reply: 14
I don’t see any real connection to the ‘Summer heat’ theme here - yes, it’s set during the summer but the heat doesn’t play any role in the story.

I think this has potential - I liked the twist ending and think this could definitely be expanded to a longer short, it just doesn’t really fit into this challenge.
Posted by: Kyle, August 8th, 2018, 3:38pm; Reply: 15
Intriguing logline.

Writing seems solid enough.

On page three and I'm not sure what this has to do with the theme of the challenge.

Page 5 – 'All the friends rush over to help her'... but don't say a word?

Skimmed to the end.

An ambitious effort for a week with a lot going on. But it didn't relate to the challenge in any way as far as I can tell.
Posted by: CindyLKeller, August 8th, 2018, 6:46pm; Reply: 16
I have to agree with the others about the heat even though I liked the script.
If you rewrite this, I believe dialogue would be a benefit that would clear up some of the confusion.
Cindy
Posted by: realxwriter, August 9th, 2018, 1:25pm; Reply: 17
>> It’s a long-range photo of JOSEPH, 35, white collared professional. A sniper’s crosshairs on his head.

Too generic.

Well, there was so much story in those six pages. That's a good thing. But there were some cliches moments in there. I also find it hard to believe that she would google his name that late in the story. The biggest sin in here is that we've seen this before. A hitman gets a change of heart and finally muster the courage to turn on his boss.

This is still a good attempt. Well done.
Posted by: Pale Yellow, August 9th, 2018, 4:06pm; Reply: 18
LOVE the title...

And LOVE 'female assassin' :) This is going to be good ...

No FADE IN

BOOM - eyes wide open, change of plan. -- I do not know what this means? Is the Boom like a gun? Or what?

I do like that she kills Grey in the end.. but I think this would read almost better if we see this chronologically instead of the flash. Also I think it's almost too big a story for 6 pages... all the backstory etc... could maybe trim it down to one mission... or her LAST mission... taking out the man who made her an assassin or who killed her mother or whatever ya know.

Overall ... this has good potential. Enjoyed reading.

Good job.
Posted by: DaveTroop, August 11th, 2018, 11:08am; Reply: 19
Hey, writer

Although this premise has been done to death (isn't there an Assassin genre yet), I liked your attempts to make it seem original.
I thought making the assassin female was a good move.  I also liked the music festival setting.

I didn't get the Carla ghost or Carla 2 character.  Could anyone else see them?  I really don't see the need for them.  They derailed the story for me.

This definitely has legs as a longer piece with dialogue.  There's so much you can do with a three day music festival.  That would give Carla more time to get to know her victim, sympathize with his cause, then make the choice not to poison him.
And just think of the soundtrack!


The weather was a no-show, and the no dialogue really constrained this from taking off.


Nice effort.  Good luck.

Posted by: ReneC, August 11th, 2018, 2:32pm; Reply: 20
It's not a bad story, but I don't buy it. Why is this the first time she's struggled with killing someone? And why Joseph? There isn't enough here to suggest a transformation or to suggest that there's anything about Joseph to bring about this change in her.

The no dialogue was okay at first, but it felt missing from the scene where she averts Joseph's death with people coming to help her. The image of death was neat and worked well within the story, but again, I don't get why it was so gung ho for her to kill and then so happy that she didn't.

Not a bad entry, it has potential.
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