Deserter by 0 - Short, Horror - A man finds out just how haunting the past can be. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

"Trees, there's a few more of." - Incredibly awkwardly written.

lie/lay - learn the difference!

Incorrect verb tenses used throughout.  Reads very awkwardly.

Well, the good news is that your script is not hurt by the no dialogue parameter.

The bad news is that the writing is poor throughout, it reads much too long for what it is, and the way you chose to structure this, doesn't work.  In fact, I have no clue if it even makes sense, as it seems like Hubert dies 2 days before the script starts.

Finally, I don't get the story here, but maybe I'm missing something.

Not for me, sorry to say.

It's a simple story, not well written but the story is decent. The time jump hurts this, you should just start off with the desertion and then jump forward two days. That would build suspense more. As it is, the ending seems like it's also earlier than the opening because we don't know we've caught up to the opening again, but of course that can't be the case.

It might have potential with a rewrite, fewer beats, and a little more story. You chose a good premise for no dialogue, I didn't miss it at all.

Not sure what to say. I know where you wanted this to go but there needs to be more...spirit? Everything up to him falling in the river should portray overwhelming guilt, perhaps? Was his act of taking off with the chuckwagon (I assume) what led the entire expedition to perish in two days? Overall, I never cared about Hubert or his peril.

Aside from some grammar and spelling issues, not bad. Good effort.

Reads more like a short story but with no dialogue I guessed a few of them would. This one just seems more formatted that way.

Meets the criteria, a simply story with no surprises or anything that really stood out but there's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes simple works better. I do prefer stories that put a new, unexpected spin on things so this one is not for me but I'm sure others will like it.

-Mark

Liked the setting - drought stricken old west.

Certainly met the parameters.

The writing good be more efficient. Here is an example:

Quoted Text A mud brown river snakes its way thought the drought stricken landscape. The land seems to be only bone-dry dirt, what vegetation there is looks to be teetering on the edge of life

It reads more like a novel than a script due to the seems to be and looks to be. Make it crisper. e.g.,

A mud brown river snakes its way thought the drought
stricken, bone dry, landscape. Vegetation teeters on the edge
of life.

Or something like that. This is a visual medium - just write what the eyes see.

SPOILERS

I was with you all the way up to the Zombies - just not my thing and had a hard time figuring out how they all ended up there.

This one was a little too wordy for me. Also a little confusing about the two days earlier thing with him dying.

If you decide do do a rewrite, I think you could milk some more drama out of this by showing Hubert really suffering from guilt. Don't do the flashback to show us he took off with the wagon and left the others to starve. Instead maybe show items in the wagon that belonged to the others. Maybe even have Hubert being really paranoid about the others finding him. Then, when they do, they are already dead.

Anyway, not bad for a quickie, but can definitely be improved on.  :)

This one didn't work for me at all. Way overwritten, break up these action lines and put some white on these pages. A 3 pager shouldn't feel like a chore.

Some of the action lines just didn't make sense. And you need to capitalize all the characters you introduce, even if you don't name them.

The lack of dialogue didn't hurt this, but the lack of story really killed it. I have no idea what was supposed to be going on here.

Good job on getting in a script for the challenge, but this just wasn't for me.

Zack

i expected this to be about native Indians...but i don't know what that was about. sorry, but i have tried

also way too heavy a read

i did try, i re-read - was the bony hand a zombie as others think? or an Indian taking revenge on settlers.

when i stand back, to me this was about travellers thrown into a drought. the wild west and frontiers.

whats happens, and importantly... who can survive. who can work the land

thats a good base

and i this it has legs.

i apologise if this wasn't your intention, but for me i would focus around a single camp, to make filmable, and throw in conflict - how about a starving outcast Indian in the camp etc

best of luck

Hey writer,

Porn, zombie flicks and Mrs Brown’s Boys, the three things the world can’t live without, apparently.

So, the writing is a bit all over the place, which is a shame as it’s not a bad little story. My advice, take a look at the scripts that are crushing it in this challenge, analyse them and see what works and what doesn’t, strip the good techniques out and use them yourself. It sounds like plagerism but it’s learning, build up some weapons in that armoury of yours.

I’m only taking the time to tell you this as you’ve build a decent storyline here. The writing absolutely killed it for me, and sucked any suspense out of it, but if you can come up with a story then that’s the hardest thing conquered.

Hit reset, do a rewrite and come back swinging. As it stands at the moment, it ain’t going to challenge unfortunately.

Cam

It would be a good idea to proofread a few more times before you submit.
I'm not the sort of reader who needs to know everything, but the others all washing up in the river is a little too mysterious for me. Some indication of how that could happen would be great.
Play around with the timeline as others have suggested. It could help to build more tension.
A few confusing things...
When he looks away from the mirror in shame, it makes it seem like the mirror specifically is causing him shame.
Also, when you say "juggling small bowls" the reader literally thinks she is juggling them, which she's clearly not. We realize that as readers, but the word choice slows us down while we ponder that for a second.
A few more drafts and this could be really good. Keep going!

Hi,

An okay title, the logline is a zero. I read the 'haunting past' term so many times. So many times… . It's simply a bland sentence. You should tease us better. This one-liner is nothing.

CAP other characters when first time appearing

All right. It wasn't very exciting to follow and I missed orientation. The focus drifted from left to right and the pictures weren't clear to me or say, their composition. The plot is very simple so the atmosphere should be spot on to serve the experience. Imo that hasn't worked as is. I liked the Western vibe but it wasn't enough. The script didn't translate to my head in an exciting way.

Hey, writer

This was just okay for me.

I would lose the flashback.  It's a simple story, so just tell it.

Maybe I missed something, but unless he was traveling in circles, how did the people he deserted end up in front of him?
I may have to re-read this.

Maybe have him lose his direction, end up back where he started and have the people take their revenge on him.

It needs another pass, but it does have promise.

Good luck.  

A three page script should never feel like a slog to get through. This one did for me I'm afraid.

Simply put, there's way too many words used to convey what's going on here. A script doesn't need every detail, just the essentials for a compelling story. It's not supposed to be a finished product, it's the blueprint for one.

I usually overlook overwriting if the story is compelling enough, but with grammatical errors, spelling mistakes and incredibly awkward phrasing throughout, I just couldn't get into it.

Sorry

Writer,

You probably could have cut a page off of this if you had toned down your prose-like writing and streamlined this. New characters should always be in CAPS. Other than that, this wasn't a half bad story, but with a couple more pages remaining you could have given this more of a complete feel. As is it feels like half a story, as I'm not sure where Hubert is going and why. And I'm not sure why these bodies seem to be coming to life either. Some explaining is in order.

Steve

>>Two days earlier.
Shit. A flashback. Hope it's worth it. I hate flashbacks.

>>Hubert now watches the flap as if he can see through it into the wagon.
I like this line.

>>The crack becomes a SNAP of a twig as Hubert drunkenly trips on a dead branch near the edge of the river.

Nice transition.

You certainly have talent. I'm struggling to pinpoint why this tale wasn't as compelling as it should have been. Maybe it's a bit disjointed. The good parts weren't linked properly. The betrayal, the regret, then the punishment. Everything just happened without a really convincing reason. He betrayed them because he was hungry.  Then they came back to life to haunt him. One thing I could think of to make the ending satisfying is to give this deserter a chance at redemption and have him dismiss it. Only that action can make us enjoy the corpses of his friend coming back to haunt him. Sweet justice.

This was a good attempt. Best of luck. Thanks for participating.

This didn’t work for me unfortunately. For a simple story, I somehow found it quite confusing.

There were a lot of mistakes and awkward sentences that made it a bit of a slog to get through.

I found the ending pretty unsatisfactory, probably because I didn’t really care about any of the characters or their outcomes.

You did at least meet the criteria of the challenge, and the lack of dialogue didn’t take anything away from the script.

Hopefully you can re-work and improve this in a re-write.

I think the logline is a bit vague.

Very wordy from the beginning... could help to shorten these descriptions.

Ok I'm confused with this one a little.

Good job completing one.

I agree about the logline.

Based on the other reviews, I will give this a one-page test. If the script becomes unbearably bad, or simply a chore to slog through, I'm out.

Title is not ALL CAPS. Fair enough. Moving on.

No FADE IN.

Quoted Text The sky [is] pale blue, with no clouds in sight.

Try to use complete sentences. You're not Tarzan, Tonto, Frankenstein, or George of the Jungle.

"mud[-]brown river"

"drought[-]stricken"

Quoted Text The land seems to be only bone-dry dirt, what vegetation there is looks to be teetering on the edge of life.

Strip that shit out. Too wordy.

Quoted Text Trees there’s a few more of though.

Yoda, you are? Awkward, this reads. Rewrite, you must.

Quoted Text Most have a fair good amount of leaves still left on them and some.

WTF? That makes zero sense. "And some" what?

Which ones? The ones with leaves or the "some"?

Quoted Text The unfortunate livestock consisting of two oxen lay in the shade, relaxing.

How are they unfortunate? From the heat? "Lay"? Are they dead? How can they relax if they're dead?

I can't. Nothing makes sense and you haven't even introduced your characters yet. Please learn English. I'm out. Sorry.