The Cave by The Number Thirteen - Short, Action, Thriller - Some signs should not be ignored. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

A clever little story you have here, writer. Not sure why our character would pick up on the countdown, especially when he links a couple of the really obscure numbers. Perhaps if there was an old tale or myth to link it to the cave but pretty tough to do that in 6 pages and no dialog.

I like what you attempted here and it has some prospect. You can definitely feel the growing anxiety and sense of desperation. Good work.

When you use "the" in front of something we haven't been into'd to, it's actually incorrect.  "the" makes the reader assume they are familiar with it, and when we're actually not, it makes one pause to see if they missed something.

You can't transition from a bed to a bathroom, unless the bathroom is literally a hop worth away from the bed.

It's impossible to visualize the size of the cave, because you gave us no real visuals, and here they're necessary.

I'm also not at all clear where this all is taking place.  Is there electricity in this "cabin"?  Having a cave like this so close seems odd, and he clearly has cell reception, so again, I'm struggling with the logistics.

Well, it ain't bad, that's for sure.  The no dialogue was not an issue at all here, so good job on that.  Story-wise, it's OK, but not much here, really, and nothing that makes any sense at all.

I was hoping for more, but this is 1 of the better ones, in my book.

  

An orphan on the first page, 2nd page actually quite a few throughout... one word sentences

This is definitely one of the more creative scripts and packed intensely into 6 pages. I liked the countdown effect.
Obviously the ending was inevitable but still you did a good job and the writing was good.

well done on entering

Competently written and would be very cool if there was any reason behind the number thing. We know nothing about Dave and why he lives out in the wild and why he starts seeing numbers in normal things lol.

The weather has zero to do with it all but I guess that adds to the overall weirdness.

This highlights an interesting debate for me...do we as readers need to know everything about why something is happening?
I like it when some things are a little mysterious.
The countdown is a cool idea, but I don't understand why the guy is so freaked out by it. Wouldn't it be more reasonable to be just amazed by the coincidence? Here's where it's tricky for me...if he wasn't scared and we just saw the countdown along with him and then he dies, with no expectation of any problem, then I could wonder what mysterious force is causing this.
But the fact that he's scared makes me want to know what he knows and I get frustrated that if he actually knows something, then I should, too.
Make sense? It's getting late. :)
To summarize...some very nice writing, but a little gimmicky for me overall.
Might be cool if instead of just being scared he tried somehow to prevent himself from seeing the numbers, with the idea that might save him.
Thanks for this. I hope to read more of your writing in the future.

Hey writer. Good job on the writing. I think you can make it a better story. A stonger reason to be in the cave perhaps although I get you�re fitting to the theme. And you could be a bit more imaginative with your numbers. Could�t See how he�d notice his trunks making an eight and the clock is used more that once. And I kind of wanted a who or what is doing this resolution.

But all in all good job and I think with a little work your simple countdown premise could make a very good and tense piece. One of the better scripts.

Writing - solid, crisp and efficient. This is a writer who knows what they're doing.

A few of the number images were a hiccup for me (e.g., could not imaging swim trunks in an eight).

I will rate this highly on writing style alone. I did have an issue and it may be unfair because it's inevitable given the story. That is, once the countdown started from 13 I knew exactly what was coming in the next five pages.  I know that you are using 13 (the unlucky number) - but it would have been a better pace if you started around 7.  I know that might sound idiotic - but anyway.

Good job. Well written. Solid script.

Writer,

So, he's all alone in the cabin, trying to sleep but it's too hot. So he goes to sleep in a cave? Damn. he's brave. I ain't going nowhere near a cave to sleep by myself, no sir. You had me going for a little while. I was invested and wanted to see how it ended. And then? Nothing. I'm assuming our man dies, but how, and by whom? those questions aren't answered and they need to be. Heat plays a role only in the opening, not thereafter. If there was a rhyme or reason here I would have rated it higher. Decent work.

Steve

I enjoyed this one - pretty creative, and a nice little idea.

I liked the countdown aspect, although I thought some of the numbers were a bit of a stretch and could be improved (tyre swing and stick making a 9, shorts making an 8, clock repetition etc).

In fact, I think the whole countdown aspect would be improved if rather than coincidences and simple things that he sees, it was a series of incidents that gets progressively worse. The numbers should fill him with dread as they countdown and get increasingly horrific.

While there’s no explanation as to why this is all happening, I don’t think it harms the story or necessarily needs one. If this was a feature or a longer story I would expect some kind of clarification, but for a short I think it works as it is.

I found the ending to be a bit of a let down - his death needs to be more visual and elaborate.  As it is, he just ends up scurrying about in the dark and dying off screen.

hmm... a countdown. quite like that concept if it can be set up

was it set up? i may have to reread but it did feel a tad random. but that can happen for these type of scripts.

i re checked - so there was the sign - danger etc

what could that mean? well a sense of madness i suppose for those who enter? i didn't get that feel myself.

the idea of, 'is there a countdown or am i going mad' has legs.

he's seeing things, imagining things, are they real or not, but what will arise because of his reactions?

my beef with this is the limited depth. i do get we have limited pages, but the 'why' part is slim

one of the better entries, but on balance a tad shallow...like the cave

Sesame Street is brought to you by the number 13! And the letter B, for blood!!

Hey writer,

So then, it’s a pretty simple premise, I didn’t know how you could string it out over all the pages when I figured out what was going on, but you managed. I found that pretty enjoyable. The fear was real, and to get there we took a hell of a diversion through Not Caringsville, to Something’s Up City, and finally Aw Shit, Ohio. The progression, or rather regression, of a character collapsing felt real.

It’s so stripped back that it’s easily filmable for someone to look at beyond this challenge, and shit, if they do as good a job as you just did in the writing, they’ll have a great piece of work at the end.

I really enjoyed it, not my scene either so well done,

Cam

I enjoyed this, is original and creative. It needs work though. The setup I struggled with. Why would anyone choose to go sleep in a cave they've never been in before and one that is marked as dangerous?

The number countdown is creative but I can tel you struggled with some of the scenarios. I also doubt he would have picked up on such a countdown. You can make it simpler and simply show the painted numbers, like when he sees number 13 painted on the wall. If the sighting of the number co-insides with something bad occurring to him, he would be more likely to pick up on this and grow increasingly concerned.

This is great though and it was quite tense. Zero dialogue added to the growing tension. Good job.

-Mark

This one was pretty cool. I liked the countdown, definitely got the suspense. The lack of dialogue didn't hurt this one at all. Had no issues with the writing what so ever. Really easy to visualize this all the way through.

My only recommendation would be a title change, or at least have the cave come back into the story at the end. Maybe Cyrus ends up back at the cave in the end?

Good work here. One of my favorites.

Zack

Quoted from Zack My only recommendation would be a title change, or at least have the cave come back into the story at the end. Maybe Cyrus ends up back at the cave in the end? Zack

Great idea, Zack!  I agree completely - back to the cave, and maybe even have some explanation for the countdown in the 1st place.

Hey, writer

I liked this one.  A very effective horror script.
The countdown gimmick worked for me.  

You need a better reason for him to enter the cave.  Chasing a pet dog perhaps?  That would also explain ignoring the DANGER signs.  Have Dave find his dog sniffing at the wall where the 13 is written in blood.  Something spooks the dog and he runs back out.  The countdown begins.

Some of the numbers are a stretch - the swimming trunks especially.  The numbers have to be more obvious for the audience IMO.  They are not reading the script. They only see what Dave sees.  

I like the pacing here.  Dave catches on to the countdown and suspects something terrible will happen at zero.  His fear increases with each number.

When we finally get to zero, Dave is dead.  We all suspect this would happen, even Dave.
I would have Dave pack up and leave the cabin at 5, trying to escape his doom.  However, the numbers follow him. After a false sense of security, Dave stops at a diner, and the waitress hands him a check with a number 4 on it, and the countdown resumes, no matter where he tries to run.


The contest parameters of heat shown by sweating is weak, but the suspense is great.
And the silence makes perfect sense.

Very good writing here.  Good luck.

This ticked all the boxes for me.

Well-written, well-paced. Absolutely nailed the suspense element of the challenge. Heat played its part to a satisfying degree and the no dialogue parameter worked well without feeling contrived.

I liked that there was an air of mystery about the whole situation and was glad you didn't try to over explain anything.

Best of luck with this. Was a treat to read.  

That was a good attempt at a horror short. I like the countdown device. It was creepy. What this story is lacking is Cyrus not fighting back in a smart way. All he did was to doddle the numbers on a piece of paper. I would have loved to see him search the internet for any backstory about the cave or why it is dangerous. But just being scared and running away wasn't that entertaining.  The conflict was one-sided. The lead didn't have a fighting chance. Also, you didn't make us care for Cyrus. That's why his misfortune had little to no impact on us emotionally.

Please don't suck. Please don't suck. Please don't suck. …

Title page actually has the title on it. And it's perfectly centered. However, the title is not in ALL CAPS.

The use of the word "the," as Jeff bemoaned about, is small potatoes in my book. "The" can easily mean "a" when first introduced. I don't see the problem here.

However, I do agree with the bed/bathroom thing. He'd have to be taller than Shaq (and have ludicrously long legs) to pull off that feat.

Quoted Text Cyrus emerges from the cabin, letting the screen door bang shut behind him.

Don't let the backdoor hit you in the boo-tay.

What kind of pack? A backpack? A pack of gum? A pack of cigarettes? a six-pack? A pack of wolves?

I understand wanting to center the sign, but it reads as:

Quoted Text DANGER. DO NOT ENTER.

...which looks like a character named Danger is saying the line, "Do not enter." This should be left-aligned like the majority of the script.

Quoted Text Cyrus sucks

I know she does. Her Achy Breaky father isn't exactly Frank Sinatra, either. ;D

Usually, the only transitions you use are FADE IN and FADE OUT, because every scene is assumed to be a CUT TO.

Too many orphans could inflate the page count.

Quoted Text He sits up and shivers, rubs his arms for warmth.

I know that feeling, lol.

Normally, you should avoid bold* or italics. *However, bold slugs have become popular here. I don't really mind them as much as I used to.

"well[-]lived-in"

Quoted Text A digital clock blinks 12:00.

Haha, just like a VCR.

I'm starting to notice a countdown. That explains the bold numbers. Okay, I see where you're going with the numbers.

Quoted Text A BUZZING sounds from the other room.

Quoted Text A tire swing hangs from a tree next to the lake. Someone had planted a stick next to it. Together, they form a number 9.

Number 9... Number 9... Number 9...

*Backwards*

Turn me on, dead man...

Quoted Text His swim trunks lie in a perfect 8.

How? With the legs standing straight up?

Quoted Text He turns to return inside but stops short.

Too many "turns" for my taste. You might try to rewrite this to avoid redundancy.

3? Oh shit. Almost there.

1. Oh shit, what's gonna happen now?

Zero. You forgot to FADE OUT.

This was actually a solid script from an obviously skilled and clever writer. Definitely a top favorite. Congratulations. Are you sure this was written in a week?

Love the forewarning: Do Not Enter

Love the number 13 ....

Absolutely LOVE the way you used the numbers to increase tension and suspense.

I really really think you should have called this '13' ...

Great script. Not much to complain about here... would be easy to film. Nice job.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to review this, and thanks for making it one of the writer's choices!

As I said in another thread, I latched onto this premise in the first day. The script was written the next day. And then I went over it and over it trying to make it work, because this was a real stretch. And I almost got there...but not quite.

Excellent notes were given.

- I should have made you care about Cyrus more, definitely.
- The countdown being noticeable is something you're either on board with or you aren't, it's just pattern recognition, but more can be done to make it truly stand out.
- I had flirted with the idea of having something written in the cave, some little ditty foreshadowing what was to come, but wanted to try to leave it open for another interpretation: that there's nothing going on at all and he killed himself running away from an irrational fear. That was behind every number, that it could all have been coincidence, that other numbers were appearing too (he reset the clock, for example) but once you see a countdown that's all you'll notice. But that was a lot to bite off convincingly in six pages and I had to compromise on it.
- Him ignoring the sign at the cave entrance so casually was, in my mind, because he's so familiar with the area. He's probably been in that cave since he was a kid. But it might have been a mistake because the audience has no way to know that. I'm on the fence about it.
- Yes, I repeated using the clock, but using everything around him in such a natural setting was a stretch already. The clock and the cell phone are simple and logical ways to show numbers visually.

The no dialogue wasn't the challenge, although I would probably add a line or two of disbelief in a rewrite, maybe yelling out into the woods asking who's there. Some way to react to his growing fear. I thought he would make a phone call, just to say something weird is going on, which is where the 5% battery on the cell phone came from, and then 4% and power down. I pictured him starting a conversation and his phone dies. Convenient and effective.

Anyway, all this to say I agree it needs work and I appreciate how much you all enjoyed it despite its shortcomings.

Quoted from ReneC The no dialogue wasn't the challenge, although I would probably add a line or two of disbelief in a rewrite, maybe yelling out into the woods asking who's there. Some way to react to his growing fear. I thought he would make a phone call, just to say something weird is going on, which is where the 5% battery on the cell phone came from, and then 4% and power down. I pictured him starting a conversation and his phone dies. Convenient and effective.

Very much like that idea.