Die, Fluffy, Die - Aquapussy by S. I. Lentz - Short, Comedy - During the dog days of summer, Max the beagle must invade the neighbor's backyard to escape the sweltering sun.  The only thing stopping him is an adorable kitten named Fluffy. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey writer,

I predict this one is gonna wind some people up (not naming any names), but it was alright for me.

I see it is as a Pixar short before a feature, that was my visualisation anyway. It says comedy but I didn't find it that funny, more cute, but I guess that's not a genre, and it's hardly a drama.

Formatting, get your dream sequences to begin and finish correctly, also there's a stray blank page at the end.

It was fluffy, cute and vaguely entertaining. Certainly different, as I say it falls into the "alright" category for myself.

Cam

I thought this one was "cute", too.
I think it could also work as a cartoon.
There's not enough cartoons for the kids anymore.

It was a good read.
Cindy

A cute little story. Reminds me of a Pixar short that might play before a feature. I've an idea who may have written this but the guessing game will have to wait.

Good job, writer. Not an easy undertaking.

Post script: HA! I just read Cam's review and thought it funny that we envisioned the same Pixar-esque short. Great minds....

This is a nice little animated short. Great idea to tackle this challenge.

I have no complaints about the action, it's visual and full of character.

I have to wonder, who is this for? Because you STRAIGHT UP MURDER A CAT. Sure, it all works out in the end, but as much as Max didn't mean to kill it, Cassie returns to see her wet, dead cat at Max's feet and she's only a little put out by it? And she gets over it when Fluffy licks Max's paw? What message are you trying to send to kids???

Good thing cats have nine lives. I don't think you should be sending that message to kids either though...

The title seems to be a total pisser, and this really isn't. It's quite good, aside from the whole murder thing.

Wait...where was the suspense?

Ooh ooh can I have a guess at the writer.....

Really good stuff.

A few scenes, quick cuts that lost me, but solid work.

It’s simple. Nothing too deep but it works.

Well done.

Probably a top 5

The title doesn't match the script at all.

I was expecting horrorfest underwater  porn ;D

Anyways it didn't work for me and I thought Pia mentioned no animation at the start but maybe I'm wrong.

The story itself was cute too cute although you had the death of the cat which is in line with every Disney film... someone dies  but unlike Disney the cat didn't really die. Would have had a more somber and better  ending for me. I just don't like Hollywood everything has to be happy in the end.

good job on entering

I was expecting an Austin Powers style adventure for animals with the title but it was cute and would make a nice animated adventure. As it would be animated, I think your could up the wackiness to Tom & Jerry style proportions so it is more like a comedy but you only had 6 pages and managed to fit in a lot so, that's just a suggestion.

Nicely done, I liked it

-Mark

How was this not titled: "Save the Cat"???

Writing - solid. And, the writer expertly handles a lot of very difficult situations and visuals. This was very clear where in the hands of a less talented writer could have been very confusing.

Wasn't crazy about the cat dying even though it came back to like - seemed liked to much of a tonal shift.

Solid effort. Certainly met the parameter - good job, writer.

I thought this was good. Writing this stuff is more difficult than it seems, I think.

My only feedback, I think with a couple of edits it could be shorter and end with -

"Max lies in Fluffy's spot at the mini electric fan.  His floppy ears blow in the breeze."

You could make Fluffy a little more evil and end with Max victorious - end of. But hey, someone's always got a different vision. Good stuff.

Writer,

Well, wasn't this cute? Not bad at all really. What better way to tackle a no dialogue script than with non human characters? kinda eliminates the need to use any sort of dialogue at all. Smart choice. anyway, I enjoyed this a lot. Writing was easy to follow, and a fun story-line. Good job!

Steve

The last read for me, so, as is usually the case, this will get an extra detailed review.  Aren't you thrilled?   ;D ;D

I left this for last, based on the title, which for me, is truly awful, and maybe even 1 of the worst titles I've ever come across.  But, it appears to be a comedy...about animals, so we'll see.

Right off the bat, because your software shows your scenes on the left of the page (unless the reader closes it), I see we have 23 scenes in a 6 page script, which is alot, to say the least.  I also see you have a blank Page 7, which is a shame, because it just shows you didn't pay much attention before submitting.

So, here we go!!!

Opening passage has an error, and it's something I've brought up so many times, I just don't get how peeps keep making it.  When you have a character description, it must be set off with commas...as in before and after, then you go into your action.  Make sense?

It appears this would most likely have to be animated, but then we have a cartoon sun?  That doesn't work at all for me, whether or not this is animated.  But wait...didn't Pia say animation was out?  I'll have to check.

Also, if you're inserting something (which isn't correct here at all), you simply return to scene, not write the same Slug again.  The reason this isn't an INSERT, is because it's not really part of the Slug, MAX'S BACKYARD.  It would be SKY or something like that.

Oh boy...I was really hoping this cartoon sun would be a one and done, but here he is again.  I personally do not like this at all.

BACKYARD FENCE is not a new Slug - it's part of the current Slug, actually.  You're using it as a Mini Slug, and that's just not correct.

You're using NEIGHBOR'S YARD as another Mini Slug, and although I can understand why, it's not really the correct way to go, as (IMO) Mini Slugs only really work in a structure with multiple rooms.  The neighbor's backyard is a completely different locale, and should have it's own full Slug...BUT, here, the way you're "showing" it, Max's POV would actually be best (and, I rarely suggest using POV's, but here, it's perfect).

"WTF" - Really?  Oh man...that is soooooo out of place here.

So, then you have the Slug, "NEIGHBOR'S YARD - CONTINUOUS".  Why use a time element this time?  And what follows is not part of that Slug at all - it's a POV again, that you're actually showing.  And then you go for a Subject Slug.  I don't know...

And another Subject Slug of the WATER BOWL  just isn't necessary to me.  Now I know why you have so many scenes showing up.

"Does his best impression of a rhododendron." - HA!  Funny!

The FANTASY SEQUENCE is funny!

The cartoon light bulb is DEFINITELY not an INSERT.

How did Max get to the neighbor's front porch?  He's not fenced in the backyard?  Of course he would be, but I get this is a cartoon of sorts, but still, this is a little out of left field for me.

Top of Page 5, you repeat the Slug we're already in.  Actually, as written, this would simply be LATER.

Then, you use POND as a Slug.  Nothing wrong with that, but you should have used it earlier, when the action was in the pond.

Last Slug is a new one, but it's the same place we've been numerous times - POND, but now it's labeled as NEIGHBOR'S POND - keep Slugs the same.

All in all, this is very cute and even enjoyable.  Writing is good, but there are issues as pointed out.  Again, I'm not sure animated cartoons were allowed, but if they were, it's a great way to handle a no dialogue script.

If I were you, I'd immediately change the title, as it really sounds like this script is going to suck the high hard one.

This script does not suck, though, and actually, it's quite good.  Nice job.

Hey yo,

strange title (at least not boring, so, very okay), logline seems all right, just make it one sentence

p1 This seems to be a live-action film/animation hybrid, interesting.

Okay, wasn't very sure which parts were "real" then, if any- a lot seems hard to accomlish with real animals. But if possible, those constant switches could be fun to watch.

All in all, I could see this concept in children television. It works 100% and has this certain well-minded spirit that small children entertainment requires. Good job. I like it.

This will certainly make a good cartoon short.

Writing was very well done, I've read 5 pagers for this challenge that seemed like a chore, but this I was able to breeze through.

Good job.

Why is the sun such a dick?

WTF is WTF doing in your descriptions?

Too much direction for me. Fluffy sits. Max looks up. Max looks down. Max stares. Cut it back a little I would say.

Who is Cassie? Young girl I guess since you use a female preposition for her. But I know little else beyond her age.

Not much of a story and not really fun. As a kids cartoon the comedy may come the over the tip character reactions, but from the script there is very little.

Horrible title. Great script.  

Well written, easy to visualize and a clever choice for the challenge.

I've felt a little harsh disregarding other scripts for taking liberties with the parameters or in some cases, not bothering with them at all. But then I come across one like this where a clear effort has gone into abiding by them and don't feel so bad. Just goes to show you can write a compelling story with the limitations that have been set.

The story worked fine for me as is. I think another failed attempt at breaching the garden could have added to the payoff when he finally gets in, but this would have been difficult to fit into six pages.

There seemed to be a lot of SLUGS used which interrupted the flow of the read a little. Maybe you could get away without using the inserts and just describe what the sun's doing in the action.

Easily a top contender for me. Well done.

What a cute short story. I loved that the lead character had a clear go from the get-go. I love how you put obstacles in his way to create conflict.  The climax of her turning into an angel was nice. But the pace at which the rivalry between them vanished was too fast. Yes, he had to be quick to jump to her rescue, but maybe you could have made him take longer to realize that she needs help.

That was a good attempt. Thanks for participating.

P.S. The excessive use of bold formatting was a bit hard on the eye.

I like "Die, Fluffy Die." I like "Aquapussy." I'm not sure using both titles is a good idea. Is this a Bond spoof?

"FADE IN:" should be formatted as a shot, not a slug.

Some people don't like bold slugs. Others have probably gotten used to them.

Quoted Text INSERT - A CARTOON SUN The SUN

Normally, this is redundant, but since this is a cartoon, I'll let it pass.

I imagine some old Warner Bros. jazz/orchestra playing on the radio.

Some of you guys see this as Pixar, I see it as classic Warner/Looney Tunes/Tom & Jerry/MGM.

For the uninitiated a  rhododendron is a plant. And a chaise lounge is this...

Quoted Text His attention [soon draws] to the

Quoted Text WATERFALL Water gushes over rocks into a deep, man-made pond. Max drools.

Nice match cut.

Normally you would put "dream/fantasy sequence" in parentheses. But it's not a problem here.

Quoted Text Fluffy yawns, lifts her head, scans the yard. (no extra space) Her eyes widen.

This is a pit helmet, by the way.

Quoted Text Cassie's feet dangle from the chaise.  A long SLURP noise. Cassie's hand sets a glass on the lawn.

Is this one or two shots? I'm thinking this is supposed to be a profile.

CONTINUOUS is almost never necessary these days.

"doggie[-]paddles"

Quoted Text Fluffy lands on her feet. (no extra space) Livid. (no extra space) Her eyes bulge.

Don't understand the blank seventh page, but okay.

Th-th-th-th-That's All, Folks!

Pretty cute, classic-Warner/MGM-style cartoon. As for the title, yes, change it. Max vs. Fluffy, or something like that. Your current title makes it sound like a Bond spoof and evokes...



I would love to see more Max & Fluffy adventures. Excellent job.

I do not think the title is great...

What a cute little story I can see animated so visually.

Great building the characters... I was wondering if you could make it a little better if one was totally afraid of the other... or possibly could just elevate their characters a bit ....

Writing was good and easy to read thru out.

Definitely meets the parameters better than most IMO.

Great little job here.

Well, unlike some others I actually like the title.  Cute story too.

I really liked this one pretty much all the way through. Good writing, never had any problem visualizing this.

Great work here. Definitely one of my favorites.

Zack