Bibliophiles by Mitchell Gray - Short, Drama - A seemingly harmless encounter between a book-lover and a young woman on his daily commute creates a mysterious bond that quickly turns sinister.  14 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey, Mitchell

I thought your script was entertaining.  It reminded me of "Vanilla Sky."  
You see the story first through the mind of the main character before you see reality.

Repeating the same scene in the beginning is risky IMO.  The reader could lose interest in the story instead of wondering what is going on.  I kept reading to find out how you were going to explain the coincidenses of the books, but I could feel my couriousity slowly waning.
I liked the addition of the audiobook and switching the narrarator's voice to Maral's.

SPOILER

When you finally revealed Markham was a test subject and all this was in his mind, I felt a little cheated.  Not that it's a cheap trick or easy out to an unexplainable situation, but more of a minor let down.  I felt the same way watching "Vanilla Sky."  That may just be me.

This was extremely well written.  You kept the story moving along nicely.

The repeated (Cont'd) s  during Markham's dialogue took me out of the script after awhile.
Also you use a lot of parentheticals, which also distract from a smooth read.

Overall, I thought it was a very good sci-fi script, in the vein of Twilight Zone.

Good luck with this.  It would make a great short film.

Hi Mitchell

Sorry I’ve just read this as I need to go - bad timing. Il,come back later.

But - very well written. My snap shot was, for a short, it needs to be condensed.

Also, filming wise, if you made it on a bus it gets filmed more quickly.

Final thought, I didn’t like the end - I wanted her to be a figure. One to ponder.

Hi Dave,
Thank you very much for your comments. I appreciate it.
I will definitely consider cutting a little from the start and editing out any expendable parentheticals.
Also still debating the twist/ending. I'm quite happy with it, but not opposed to another inspiring idea popping up, either.
Thanks again.
Take care,
Mitchell

Hi Reef Dreamer,
Thank you very much for your preliminary comments. Great things for me to think about.
I look forward to your return.
I didn't understand what you meant by wanting her to be a "figure"?
Cheers,
Mitchell

I forgot to comment on this. I liked it. Good story and told well. Nice work.

Hi Dustin,
Thank you very much for the read. I appreciate it.
Cheers,
Mitchell

This was a great read. Not the ending I had hoped for, but I was nevertheless engaged from start to finish. Your descriptions of the action scenes were on-point, almost novel-like, which were amazing to read. I really can't think of any criticisms. This would truly make for an interesting short film. Great work, Mitchell.

Hello SilvaSly,
Thank you very much for your read of Bibliophiles. I'm very happy that you enjoyed it.
I was wondering if an alternative ending came to your mind that you would have preferred?
I'm pretty happy with my ending, but not completely attached to it and I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thanks again.
Cheers,
Mitchell