Missing by Cindy L. Keller - Short, Drama - A young woman who has been keeping track of all the missing children cases in the area may have found another one. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Keeping "tract"?  Cindy...really?

Oh, horse feathers!
Track!
This is what I get for trying to hurry while writing on my phone.

Hey Cindy,

SPOILERS

It's cool to see some new work from ya. Pretty dark tale, here. I enjoyed the misdirection, but I feel like this needs more. More set up. Really try to convince us that Mara is a good person. Maybe have it start in a local diner with Mara watching a news report on missing children, all the while waving at and making funny faces at a couple of kids who are eating with their parents. Hmm. Just spit balling here.

I can't help but notice the lack of dialog. Was this intended for the most recent OWC?

This wasn't bad, but it needs more to be memorable.

Zack

Thank you for the read,  Zack.

Yes, this one was going to be for the OWC, but I changed my mind.

I have been rewriting it, turning it into a feature where I'm going deeper into her dark life.

Thanks again,
Cindy

Quoted from Dreamscale Keeping "tract"?  Cindy...really?

Mea Culpa. Fixed.  

Don

Turning it into a feature, huh? I'm actually hard at work on my first feature. Shit's tough. Lol.

Will Mara be the protagonist or antagonist? Do you know why she does what she does? If you need a fresh set of eyes on it, just PM me.

Zack

Hi Cindy,

That was short and not so sweet.

SPOILER

I enjoyed it. I didn’t suspect a thing. I am interested to know what she does with the boys, maybe that will be revealed in the feature. It's a great teaser then.

Only one issue that I saw:

Quoted Text Richard lays on his back, fast asleep, and SNORING. Bobby lays next to him and tosses.

It's lies for both, not lays.

Good little read.

Thank you for fixing it, Don. :-)

Zack,  yes, I am taking my time with this one. I've got the story about all figured out. Mara will be the protagonist in this one. There are so many children that get taken, I want to get inside her head and show where she comes from and her lifestyle.
Thank you for offering to give it a read when it's done.

Warren,
Thank you for giving this a read. Thanks for finding the typo.
I'm glad you liked it. Your short film is what got me wondering why someone would do something like this.
Yes, what happens to the children will be revealed in the feature. :-)

Quoted from CindyLKeller Thank you for fixing it, Don. :-) Warren, Thank you for giving this a read. Thanks for finding the typo. I'm glad you liked it. Your short film is what got me wondering why someone would do something like this. Yes, what happens to the children will be revealed in the feature. :-)

Well it’s definitely along the lines of something I'd write. I look forward to checking out the feature.

Good.
I'm writing a little each day on my lunch breaks, so who knows how long it will take.
Cindy

Code show this place could use a little attention to upkeep

Why tell us what it shows after you've already shown us? Better to use this space to hammer home the description. Perhaps the Neon sign isn't working correctly too?

I guessed the ending, but I kinda hoped you weren't going to go there so I could do it myself, haha. So, nice job, some tweaks to the writing and this is a great script.

Hi Dustin,
Thanks for giving this one a read.
That is a good piece of advice. Thanks.
This one is so different from what I usually do, but the story keeps elbowing me. I hope I can do it half way decently.
Thanks again,
Cindy

Hey Cindy,

I sorta skimmed through the comments and the start of Dustin's sorta spoiled it for me, but I still loved the execution. Was expecting the end but not expecting it at the same time. I'm curious as to how the feature will play out. Right now it makes Mara seem like both a protagonist and an antagonist. She saves these children from bad people/parents/whatever, but at the same time...kidnaps them in a way? Or she could be the kidnapper all along. Either way, I wonder what she does to them.

I like Zack's idea of starting in a diner and Mara comes off more innocent, making funny faces at kids from across the diner or something while watching a news report of missing children. Then cutting to the motel.

I guess one question I have is:

Quoted Text While walking toward the motel, she peers into a parked car and notices a map on the front seat.

I notice that you state she peers into *A* parked car. But I'm wondering if you meant *THE* parked car, as in, Richard's car? And if not (or if so), what does the map have to do with anything? Does the map have something important on it? Markers of, say, missing children? Or children that, and if this is Richard's car, he has kidnapped? I guess that's my only concern about this script.

Otherwise, it's a cool little short :)

Sean

Hi Sean,

I like his idea, too. I think that would be a great way to start it.

I don't want to give away too much right now, but it is Richard's car, and his son is a sick little boy.

I'm glad you liked it.

Thank you for giving it a read. :-)
Cindy

Cindy,

Jeez Louise, that was dark. Maybe I should have seen the end coming, but I didn't. Don't know if I'm just slow on the uptake, but it threw me. Good job there. Mara tapping the boy's baseball cap was a stroke of evil genius! loved it, and it read extremely well. Good job here! I liked it a lot.

Steve

Quoted from SAC Cindy, Jeez Louise, that was dark. Maybe I should have seen the end coming, but I didn't. Don't know if I'm just slow on the uptake, but it threw me. Good job there. Mara tapping the boy's baseball cap was a stroke of evil genius! loved it, and it read extremely well. Good job here! I liked it a lot. Steve

Thank you. :-) I'm glad you liked it.
I'm hoping the feature will measure up. As I write, things keep getting worse for the boy and her, but I'm trying to find a good way for Richard to get revenge. I think I've got it figured out though.

Thanks for giving it a read,
Cindy

I didn't guess the end in as much as I got a 'new idea' while reading. A 'wouldn't it be cool' moment. Then, I hoped that the story wouldn't finish like that so that I could use 'my idea'. However, sadly for me, the story did go there, and it wasn't 'my idea' after all.

Lol, Dustin. You're funny.
Glad you liked it.
Cindy

I literally groaned when you did go there, haha. I was already writing a version in my mind.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I literally groaned when you did go there, haha. I was already writing a version in my mind.

Darn it. Lol
Sorry