Exposed by P.H. Cook (Angry Bear) - Short, Comedy - A door to door salesman, eager to show a suburban housewife the amazing suction of the Aardvark vacuum, accidentally uncovers all sorts of dirt going on. 7 pages

production: Shoestring budget - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Angry Bear,

I liked this one. It’s a fast read, some funny moments and I like the twist at the end.

Change COSET to CLOSET.

Attention Readers:

THIS IS WORTH READING!!!

Daniel

COSET? How on earth did I miss that???

Thanks for reading and getting a couple of chuckles out of it. This one is actually based on one of my husband's experiences as an Electrolux door to door salesman 40 years ago. The ass pics are contemporary though, lol.

Thanks.  :)

Ha! Where the hell is page 8?
Really enjoyed this, however i was expecting a piece of the aftermath...

The twist at the end resells this old joke perfectly. Nice work.

Hi Pia!

This had me rolling. Very well done. Hard for me to laugh when it comes to writing, so you sold it well. Both with the dialogue and the action lines.

All of the ass talk had me laughing. I wasn't sure where this was headed.

However, like Gerasimos, I wanted more. I feel like it ends rather abruptly and was also expecting some aftermath as well. Maybe I don't get the full "joke" but this was funny enough within itself.

Good job,

Sean

Thanks guys!

I seldom do comedy, but when I do, it's usually something that appeals to my Swedish type of humor. So, very surprised you guys liked it. As far as comedy goes, I find British humor a lot more funny than American. Comedy is very subjective.

Anyway, I'm rambling.  :D

About the ending. Yes, I agree. I would LOVE to have a better, funnier ending, I just couldn't think of one. If anyone has any suggestions, feel free to toss me ideas!

Thanks again!  :)

Hi Pia,
I thought this read like British comedy. :-) I used to love watching Monty Python.
I thought for sure she had someone hiding under the bed when she kick the clothes under it. I thought maybe the other guys clothes would provide cover. I'm glad I was wrong.
I liked the craziness.
It made me smile. Thank you.
Cindy

Lol, this was a funny read. I kinda predicted the end, but I still enjoyed the read nonetheless. Very humorous. Nice work, Pia.

Pia,

Looks like you had a right fun time writing this. It's just a fun little script -- bouncy dialogue, lots of double meaning type stuff. However, you lost me when the chlorine fell onto Brad. I mean, really? Chlorine just happened to spill at him, and in all places the bedroom? Hmm. Doesn't make sense. But... The old dude with the ball in his mouth could have been holding a pool skimmer or something like that! Now that's something that could have tied this up! Overall, pretty good as is, just kinda lost me.

Steve

Thanks for reading guys/gals! Glad it seems to have gotten a chuckle out of you.  ;D

Cindy, I am a big fan of British comedy, so if that's what it reminded you of, I take that as a compliment!  :)

Silva, glad you enjoyed it. I seldom do comedy, so it means a lot when I give it a shot and people like it.  :)

Steven... fuck you for being a wet blanket!!!!!  ;D

Seriously, I struggled with that one. If you have a better suggestion, hit me.

Thanks for reading.  :)

LOL!!  I told you--make the dude in the closet the pool guy. That would explain the chlorine. Problem solved. You're welcome!  ;D

A funny story. Wish Jack's ass would be all right.

Michael

I really enjoyed reading this.  You had me laughing out loud.

Good stuff Pia  I enjoyed the laugh.

The ending came up short though maybe have Viicky introduce them all.

VICKY
It's my lucky day.
This guy likes to  suck , this guy likes balls in his mouth and this guy is my ass sore husband.
Have fun coming out of the closet.

I like this one.  It reminds me of an old style comedy.

The ending was great.  I can see this one being made.

Hey guys, thanks for reading! Makes me happy to see you like this one. I usually don't do comedy. In fact, I've been told more than once that I'm just not funny enough.  :D

Mark, that is actually hilarious!  ;D

Not sure when I will be able to get back to this one and re-work the ending. I've been very busy lately. Not so much with writing stuff, but life stuff. Good stuff though. Got two more grandkids coming in the spring. That makes it four and five!!

I did work on a sequel for Trust Me though. This was a script I was sure would not get produced because, well, it just wasn't that great, but amazingly enough, two different directors made it into a film and the first one that did it, the one posted here at SS, wanted a sequel! Who would've thunk? It ended up being a 20 script and he's supposed to shoot it later this fall. This was pretty hard since the first script was not written to have a sequel.

Thanks again, everyone.  :)

Enjoyed this read. The characters were great, distinct with some good funny dialogue - I especially liked at the beginning when Brad literally said that his company sucked lol

Brad played the part of the unnaturally chirpy but pushy salesman really well. Although, I must say that having the third man  in the wardrobe was predictable

As others have said, the chlorine confused me. It seems chucked in as an excuse for Brad to get naked and doesn't fit the rest of the story. When he flee's for the window, the vacuum is still plugged in right? So when he runs out of cord, he could fall, causing the vacuum to turn on, sucking off his trousers (After all the whole story he boasts about its sucking power) - Or is that a little too slapstick?

As for the end, again as others have said, ends too abruptly. The whole story is about Brad trying to sell his vacuum, so I would end it with that - When the closet opens revealing them all, after an awkward pause I would then have Brad trying to sell the vacuum to the husband in his chirpy oblivious way

That's my opinion anyway.

Thank you for an enjoyable read

Hey Matt,

thanks for taking a look and also for offering up something that would make this end better. Simple solution that would take no more than one line or so.

There's still that issue with the chlorine. Something that would definitely be something that would have to be solved if someone wanted to shoot this. I don't really see anyone wanting to though. It's just a bit of short fun.

Thanks again for the read. Glad you enjoyed it.  :)