Print Topic
SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Short Thriller Scripts / Lady Justice - Produced
Posted by: Don, September 1st, 2018, 8:50am
Lady Justice by David González - Short, Thriller, Action, Fantasy - The life of a crooked Mexican police officer is turned upside down when a woman walks into the police station with an old gun she found. 10 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work++++++++++++++
(click the image to take you to the full version)
Read the rest at HyperEpics.com
About Hyper Epics: Home of the 3 page sagas, Hyper Epics is a bold anthology series that offers diverse and exciting comic book stories on its website - http://www.hyperepics.com - and in print form. Each original story is packed with stunning artwork, memorable characters, and captivating stories enhanced with dazzling soundtracks. It is quickly becoming a go-to destination for readers worldwide.
Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), September 2nd, 2018, 2:48am; Reply: 1
deathly quiet.
The quiet can't be deadly unless it is actually going to kill you.
Code
There’s yellow tape everywhere. |
|
Everywhere? Why is there yellow tape everywhere? Do you mean there is yellow police tape around the perimeter?
Code Blood splashes the walls. |
|
How is this happening right now? Where is the blood coming from?
Code Chalk silhouettes outline the floor... |
|
How many?
This makes no sense.
You get 'off' a bus.
cast
in our custody.
That's it? It doesn't go anywhere. Magical gun dispenses justice, the end.
I read it all the way through though, so you kept me in it. That's a plus.
Posted by: Philostrate, September 2nd, 2018, 6:15am; Reply: 2
Hi Dustin,
Thanks for the read and the detailed corrections.
Some answers to your questions:
Quoted Text Everywhere? Why is there yellow tape everywhere? Do you mean there is yellow police tape around the perimeter? |
Around the perimeter, around the cells, etc. At all places of interest. I already changed "There’s yellow tape everywhere" for "There’s yellow police tape everywhere". But it's a tiny change (I couldn't come up with something better in so few words), so I'm open to any suggestions.
Quoted Text How is this happening right now? Where is the blood coming from? |
The blood is coming from the missing corpses. I suppose this makes sense later in the scene.
I think there's no need for us to know so early in the script.
I'm sorry to hear that the story didn't pay off for you. At least, it kept you in until the very end. I wasn't trying to write a typical whodunit (that's just the hook) but a contained story with a couple of small twists revolving around the theme of injustice (1 location, 5 characters).
I appreciate your interest and corrections. I already took care of them and uploaded a new draft.
David
Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), September 2nd, 2018, 11:52am; Reply: 3
Around the perimeter, around the cells, etc. At all places of interest. I already changed "There’s yellow tape everywhere" for "There’s yellow police tape everywhere". But it's a tiny change (I couldn't come up with something better in so few words), so I'm open to any suggestions.
|
It can't be everywhere. It just can't. Very, very lazy writing. But, it's up to you. Maybe you're not looking to win any prizes. Some claim not to be.
I don't know whether you mean perimeter tape or perhaps yellow sticky tape used as evidence markers for forensic photos?
The blood is coming from the missing corpses. I suppose this makes sense later in the scene.
|
How can the blood be coming from missing corpses? You're confusing tenses. That was my point.
I think there's no need for us to know so early in the script.
|
If there's no need to know then why did you write it? It's your job to show me what is on the screen. If there are three chalk silhouettes then write that. There's no reveal in it, it's just information that is necessary for building a proper picture. The picture you can actually see. You can see it, but we only get a partial.
You write well... don't be afraid of description.
Posted by: Philostrate, September 2nd, 2018, 2:39pm; Reply: 4
Hi Dustin,
Quoted Text It can't be everywhere. It just can't. Very, very lazy writing. But, it's up to you. Maybe you're not looking to win any prizes. Some claim not to be.
I don't know whether you mean perimeter tape or perhaps yellow sticky tape used as evidence markers for forensic photos? |
I get your point. In sake of simplicity I'll use evidence markers instead of the yellow tape.
Quoted Text How can the blood be coming from missing corpses? You're confusing tenses. That was my point. |
Okay. I suppose 'stains' is the appropiate word.
Quoted Text If there's no need to know then why did you write it? It's your job to show me what is on the screen. If there are three chalk silhouettes then write that. There's no reveal in it, it's just information that is necessary for building a proper picture. The picture you can actually see. You can see it, but we only get a partial.
You write well... don't be afraid of description. |
Okay. I get your point here too.
I appreciate your clarifications.
Thanks,
David
Posted by: Marcela, March 24th, 2019, 1:27pm; Reply: 5
Loved the title, that's why I started reading. I have a strong dislike for anything violent/involving a lot of shooting but I kept reading regardless. Some characters lacked a description, they just appeared and went (got shot). I absolutely loved the resolution - I had no idea that Sophia was Manuel's sister, I didn't see it coming! The villains (in this case corrupt spineless crooks working for police) got shot and I'm quite happy with such happy ending!
Posted by: Philostrate, March 26th, 2019, 5:29pm; Reply: 6
Hi Marcela,
Thanks for giving it a read. I'm glad you liked the ending.
I wouldn't say the script is that violent - IMO there's more violence in a single scene of Narcos than in this whole script - but I agree that there are a few bursts of violence that are depicted in a very graphic way. I know that this may put off some people, and I understand it, so thanks for giving it a chance anyway. I'm happy it payed off for you at the end.
I wrote the script about half a year ago and shortly after it was picked up by a prodco and we signed a shopping agreement. They wanted to include it in an anthology. Crazy. The producers were very kind, but things weren't moving, so when the agreement expired, I requested them not to renew it and asked Don to put it up again. Back to square one...
If you want a read in return, I'll be happy to reciprocate.
Posted by: Don, June 14th, 2019, 8:21pm; Reply: 7
Produced...
Lady Justice (10 page in pdf format )
by David González (Philostrate) The life of a crooked Mexican police officer is turned upside down when a woman walks into the police station with an old gun she found.(click the image to take you to the full version)
Read the rest at HyperEpics.com
About the writer: David González (Philostrate) is an amateur screenwriter from Spain with three shorts optioned. His scripts have placed in various competitions, including the Inroads Screenwriting Fellowship, the Zed Fest Film
Festival and the Crimson Screen Horror Film Fest. He can be reached at davidgonzalezpn “AT” gmail.com.
About Hyper Epics: Home of the 3 page sagas, Hyper Epics is a bold anthology series that offers diverse and exciting comic book stories on its website - http://www.hyperepics.com - and in print form. Each original story is packed with stunning artwork, memorable characters, and captivating stories enhanced with dazzling soundtracks. It is quickly becoming a go-to destination for readers worldwide.
Discuss this script on the Discussion Board
Posted by: Warren, June 14th, 2019, 9:00pm; Reply: 8
Congrats, David. Came out great. SS members are dominating over at Hyper Epics!
Posted by: Pale Yellow, June 14th, 2019, 9:01pm; Reply: 9
Congrats! Looks really cool David!!
Posted by: LC, June 14th, 2019, 10:20pm; Reply: 10
Looks terrific, David. Congrats!
Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), June 15th, 2019, 2:58am; Reply: 11
There were no witnesses and the detectives leading the case are working 'in' several theories?
Posted by: LC, June 15th, 2019, 4:04am; Reply: 12
I PM'd David about this. He is aware of it and hopefully they can do a quick fix.
Posted by: Philostrate, June 15th, 2019, 6:06am; Reply: 13
Thank you, guys.
Sean Bova, the artist, has done an awesome job.
We're aware of the error and an edit is underway.
Posted by: JEStaats, June 17th, 2019, 12:48pm; Reply: 14
David - Congratulations and welcome to the world of comics! Great story and beautiful artwork. I look forward to seeing more.
~John
Posted by: eldave1, June 17th, 2019, 1:01pm; Reply: 15
Posted by: Philostrate, June 17th, 2019, 1:29pm; Reply: 16
David - Congratulations and welcome to the world of comics! Great story and beautiful artwork. I look forward to seeing more. ~John |
Thanks a lot, John.
Condensing the story to three pages was a tough challenge, but I really enjoyed the collaborative process. Will have to write more.
I'm looking forward to see more of yours as well!
Posted by: Philostrate, June 17th, 2019, 1:29pm; Reply: 17
Thanks, Dave. I appreciate it.
Print page generated: April 20th, 2024, 9:11am
Powered by
E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006