Adam: - you got several issues on the first 1/2 page.
Quoted Text "HE HARM MANY" |
Don't put your title on the opening page - should be a separate title page
FADE IN:
Quoted Text EXT. CEMETERY-NIGHT |
Wrong format - missing spaces. Should be:
EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT
Quoted Text The screen is all black. As the camera slowly pans back, we can see were in an old wooded cemetery
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If it is all black - we can't see anything.
Lost the camera directions - especially since we don't know what we're panning back form.
Don't need to mention cemetery in header and description. Instead, use the space to describe it. s/b something like:
Dark.
Weather worn headstones scattered beneath old oak trees.
Quoted Text The sound of running feet and screaming breaks the deafening silence.
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CAP sounds - and tell us if this is a man or a Conan's scream. e.g.,
The THUD of running feet and the panicked SCREAM of a woman...
Quoted Text and a young blonde seventeen year old named JAMIE enters and she blooded and beaten and is gushing blood from a slash across her throat.
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A bit clumsy. Write active. Rather than blood is gushing - blood gushes. Maybe:
JANE (17) blonde, badly beaten, seventeen enters. Blood
gushes from a slash across her throat.
Quoted Text JAMIE (OUT OF BREATH) Oh god...somebody Help...help me... somebody help me.
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Wring format. Should be:
JAMIE
(OUT OF BREATH)
Oh god...somebody Help...help me...
somebody help me.
Though I don't think you need out of breath at all - kind of implied. Also - not sure someone with their throat slashed is even going to be conscious let alone running and screaming.
This:
Quoted Text Jamie limps as she keeps pressure on stab wound on her thigh,that's gushing blood. Her hair is covered with blood and sweat. Her white tank top is covered in blood and sweat and shes also been stabbed several tines out from the darkness of a teenager can be heard
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Needs work. Again - active - gushes. And avoid repeating things over and over.
Jamie limps as she keeps pressure on stab wound on her
thigh. Her hair and clothes are covered with blood
and sweat.
I don't know what the below means.
Quoted Text out from the darkness of a teenager can be heard
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Anyway - it's a tough biz - take a look at a few scripts, google formats, etc.