Gone by Simon Parker - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A young boy doesn't want to go to summer camp, so seeks out the help of a old man who hates children but knows powerful magic. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This is a simple, but surprisingly effective story. I could see where it was going but it had surprisingly a lot of emotional weight. The central message seems to be careful what you wish for

(SPOILER ALERT. I think he is supposed to be dead right? Or it is ambiguous.) This seems a perfect script for a short.

It was very easy to follow, and no typos that I could see.


'Keenan eyes her up suspiciously. He thinks on these words.  Don’t have a choice.'  How would you show this? Maybe those words echoing in Keenan's head.


'But they don’t see him. He’s invisible.'
- 'He's invisible' is redundant. We have enough information.

Hi Simon

Strong foundations for a short. I only have a few things to add (just my opinion, take them as you will)

I would have liked more character in Herbert - He says he despises kids, but it doesn't show. For example, he is interrupted by and answers the door to a kid, but just says "this is interesting" he could snarl or slam the door shut in his face or - something to show his hatred.

The kid is invisible, again I would want to see a kid enjoy this more first, before the realisation that this actually is not a good thing, like sneaking into an 18 rated movie for example

Anyway, good job

Matt

EDIT: Forgot to add, I am also confused by the texts - The person texting him doesn't play into the story other than providing the address - Which brings me to the question, why did this person send him the address and then keep warning him away, if they knew he was a bad guy why give him the address in the first place?