So Warm The Water by ? - Short, Horror - A tormented Mariner finds comfort in the most unlikely of company. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I liked the writing and the tone. The image of the hundreds of sharks was excellent. There was good tension in the survival scenes.

The only false beat is the 'learning from sharks' thing. It's pretty clear from the story that he's just a bit of a psychopath from the start and wishes to survive at any cost. He didn't learn that from hungry sharks.

Perhaps if he ate Ashmore rather than throwing him overboard there would be more of a connection.  You got to eat to survive, kind of thing.

Almost certainly a contender, though.

Not bad.  Just as STF said, I would have tied the ending back to Lt. Ashmore.

Good visuals too.

Very nice. You wrote the action well, the visual of all those sharks has impact. You described Hoyt nicely right down to his liver spotted hands, I just thought the ending a little anticlimactic. I understand he's a shark of a different kind, but I wanted something shocking at the finish line.

It's not my favourite at this point, but it's a decent effort. I do think it would look great as a comic.

EDIT: Nothing wrong with the font. Just my device messing with it, my bad.

Well, certainly the sinking of the USS Indianapolis was a horror. No doubt. But the story lacks any urgency outside the events of the flashback. I was expecting Hoyt to penetrate the glass wall and give himself up to the shark for his pulling Ashmore into the water. Obviously survivor guilt. Ending needs more punch.

Well...that was pretty dark.

Good job, writer. Kept me reading to see where it was going to end up. I hope there wasn't an Indianapolis survivor named Hoyt. Definitely a talented writer. This will illustrate well, too.

Wow, that was really powerful and would work wonderfully as a comic. Great job!

-Mark

Nice, tight little story, riveting all the way through. As others mentioned, ending was sort of abrupt. Didn't get any Halloween or "creature feature" vibes from this, which could hurt its chances for the comic, but a good short script on its own.

I liked this one a lot. Nice survival story with a philosphical angle. There are many cool images here too. During the shark actions, the writing stumbled a bit regarding the direct translation to visuals on screen for my taste. Nothing that couldn't be easily fixed though.

This could read faster but however the story has lots to offer and moves within a wide spectrum, which makes it very interesting to follow. Also there's some definite dark in here.

Good job

This one is in my top two.

Great imagery, reads easily and an enjoyable tale. Set up at the beginning of the attendee knowing his name gave me the impression of this man being obsessed with these beasts for a long time

I didn't get a feel that the sharks were more sinister than normal feeding frenzied sharks, which is fine, except this was a creature feature so I was expecting them to be... different

Very enjoyable read though

Nice visuals in this one.
I think it's perfect for this creature feature competition.
And it could be pulled off easily for the comic thing.

At first the VO sounds a little rough for my ear. Not sure what's wrong with it. The first VO line - not there I think. Might be just me - I haven't expected it, maybe that's the reason.

The writing was fast paced and a great read.

But honestly it doesn't resonate with me as far as creature feature  for a Halloween OWC.
In amongst the sharks I was actually anticipating  a new creature, some kind of Shark hybrid at least.

The visuals were great I was just disappointed because obviously you're a great writer but sharks eating people in a comic strip.. not for me

Good job entering

That was pretty damn good. Harrowing. Not sure I'd change much of anything but one thing to consider... have something in the present day that illustrates his newfound "understanding". Maybe at the beginning he can zero in on some weakness of the Attendant. Or there's something predatory about his movements that unsettles her.

Alternatively, maybe at the end his walking stick is just a prop and he ditches it. But then I guess you couldn't end on that great final image of the two faces together.

Congrats on finishing OWC.

I agree with what Scar Tissue says in regards to the ending.

Other than that, it was good.

Nothing more to add.

Gabe

Off to a good start with solid writing.

"FLASHBACK" - I always use "BEGIN FLASHBACK", but this fine, I guess.

Hoyt's age is not correct...simple math here.  He would be 93.

Maybe it's a personal thing, but I really don't like reading "Young Hoyt" over and over.

For me, things have taken a serious downturn with this long Flashback.  First of all, we all know this tale due to the movie, Jaws.  Secondly, the writing, although not bad at all, just isn't cutting it here to portray the terror taking place.  Third, this ain't no creature feature, IMO.

Bottom of Page 3 - "From a distance, Young Hoyt grips the tiny raft, bracing himself he pulls Ashmore overboard." - This is awkwardly phrased, and it's too bad, as this is the power of your story.  It needs more here, needs to be written better, and much more visual.

Didn't do much for me.  There's a solid attempt to make this more than it is with the ending, but it's just too dull for me overall, and in no way a creature feature.  Not sure how/if this would transfer to the 3 page comic thing, either.

For the most part, it's well written and structured, though.

Grade - ** 1/2

Is it murder or self-defense if you cause another person to die so you can live? An excellent story, but I’m not sure it’s in the spirit of the challenge’s main parameter: namely that it be a creature feature. “Jaws” was a creature feature, but surviving an encounter with random sharks doesn’t strike me as one.

I wonder if I missed something

Is there a monster that�s not a shark?

Is it just a personal torture thing? The need to see the enemy from the sea?

Wasn�t sure about the end - May need to re read

I read this one before bed and forgot to comment. My thoughts were...


Sharknado!

Not one for me... although well written. I'm sure some will like it.

Another good one. It's tight, well written and has great imagery, with the hundreds of sharks and the sinking of the USS INDIANAPOLIS. It could be perfect for the comic. The tension was there, with the survival story, and kept me in until the last word. However, like Libby, I wanted a little more from the ending. A very good effort, thought. Nice job, writer.

Nicely done. The ending was anticlimactic, but it fit with the tone. I would have saved the reveal about Lt. Ashmore for the final scene, the final lesson he learned from the sharks, to yank the lieutenant off the raft like a shark pulling its victim under. Or, have him push someone off once he’s safe, just to give to the sharks, nothing to do with his survival, just to watch them take another.

Visually excellent, great writing.

I didn't originally comment on this script, as I didn't want to out myself by commenting on every script but my own (yes, I tend to overthink things.)

But, I gave this script one of my top scores. It's well written with a nice, full, tale.

Like others, I pondered different endings (last shot: him sliding into the water, the shark turns for him), but I do like the ending as it sits.

This would make an excellent comic.

So glad this got in the top 2, it was a favorite of mine.