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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  October 2018 One Week Challenge  /  Umbra Spirituum - OWC
Posted by: Don, October 20th, 2018, 10:28am
Umbra Spirituum by Pope Boniface VIII - Short, Horror, Psychological, Paranormal - Darcey and Jessy go trick or treating along with their older sister Marta.   They encounter some nasty night time creatures that make them regret ever wanting candy again. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: Scar Tissue Films, October 20th, 2018, 12:18pm; Reply: 1
Cute little Halloween story. It was nice and visual.

It felt like it needed a little more something at the end.
Posted by: JEStaats, October 20th, 2018, 4:40pm; Reply: 2
A lot of the action had poor grammar and odd wording that derailed it for me. I suggest maybe reading it aloud to yourself if you revise it to hear how awkward it sounds. There's a lot going on here and it would take quite a bit of editing to get it into three pages. Overall, a nice story that needs some work. Good job, writer.
Posted by: LC, October 20th, 2018, 8:57pm; Reply: 3
I think you've packed too many visual and auditory cues into this at the start (obviously to create atmosphere) but less is more.

The wolf howling, the full moon is fine, but then the bats, the fireworks and the scarecrow, is a bit overkill. You could go more spare with general Halloween decorations, otherwise we don't realise the gnomes are the star of the show.

Your opening intros need a good edit.

DARCEY, ten, dressed as a witch with a broom attached to her
outfit. Holds a bag in her left hand and walks down the
path holding hands with JESSY, ten, dressed as (a) zombie.

You don't need  'with a broom attached', trust your audience will fill in the gaps, or have the character use that broom in action later, and 'holds a bag...' is a continuation of the first sentence.

Suggestion: Twin girls, DARCEY, and JESSY, 10, skip down the path to an ominous looking house. Darcey is dressed as a witch, Jessy in zombie garb.

On chaperone duty, older sister, MARTA, 18,  waits at the front gate.

You don't need to detail so much: White wooden gate, detached rundown house.

The FISHING GNOME’s eyes
It's the first time you're singling this one out so it should be written as:
A FISHING GNOME'S eyes.

Grasps might read better as: grips, or squeezes.
Yous should be the vernacular youse.

You don't need 'raggedy' - gnomes is fine on its own - perhaps they are cracked, paint peeling?

Typos: It’s eyes - its eyes
Lets go. Let's go.
Scoops, not scoups.

and the dream catcher
that hangs outside the entrance.

Suggestion: a dreamcatcher swings in the breeze

Now there's a Samurai statuette (statue) and a dog?!
There's way too much going on here imho.

a lot of candy from
the place...

a lot of candy from this place...

JESSY
This is meant to be fun. I’m not
enjoying this at all.

You don't need the dialogue above at all. A look from this character would say it all.

The door closes with a bang.
Alt: the door slams shut.

Me too.
Me either.


Darcey stands up and then freezes as she looks at (the) all
the Gnomes staring back.

Suggestion: Darcey freezes. The gnomes stare back at her.

Jessy continues to pick up the last remaining candy treats.
Jessy picks up the remaining candy.

(Rhetorical)
You don't need that parenthetical.
What on earth...? would do it.
But, would a kid say that?

Marta’s on the phone.
Marta's still on the phone.

(To her sisters)
(to her sisters)
lower case parenthetical
But not needed anyway. We know who she's addressing.

A GARDENER GNOME with a pitchfork jumps the fence and then
quickly creeps up behind the girls.
It punchers a hole in their bags. Spilling their candy.

That last sentence above should be combined with a comma instead of writing it as two sentences btw.

This is a nice scary image - but, a 'garden' gnome weilding a pitchfork would suffice.
It 'punches' or are you thinking of punctures?

Okay, I'll leave the detailed stuff there.

It's a good story. Gnomes coming to life is a scary idea as a creature feature - and them using their props to attack is entertaining. It all going on while older sister is obliviously chatting on her cellphone also adds to the fun.

It just needs a cleanup and more refinement in the execution.
Posted by: currentcmine, October 21st, 2018, 1:17pm; Reply: 4
Some clarity problems (formatting and action). Story is cute, but is it suitable for HyperEpics? Could have been eerier.
Posted by: coldsnap, October 21st, 2018, 4:23pm; Reply: 5
The action/dialogue feels clunky and disjointed at times, makes it hard to maintain a flow. This reads more G than PG, got a Charlie Brown Halloween kind of vibe. Cute tale, maybe not epic enough for Hyper Epics tho.
Posted by: irish eyes, October 21st, 2018, 5:45pm; Reply: 6
It was a cute story but that is pretty much what it is..  G rated like the Gnomes movie

Good writing  but not comic book material for me

Good job on entering
Posted by: PKCardinal, October 21st, 2018, 6:28pm; Reply: 7
The story is there, the writing isn't quite.

My only note is to cut, cut, cut. This 7 pager would be much stronger as 4.

Other than that, concentrate on LC's great notes.
Posted by: Warren, October 21st, 2018, 6:59pm; Reply: 8
I quite liked the story; it’s a fun little tale.

Potentially a few too many visuals to fit into a 3 page comic.

The writing could use some work, but it looks like LC spent a fair bit of time on this so you probably have a lot to work with.

All the best.
Posted by: MarkRenshaw, October 22nd, 2018, 5:04am; Reply: 9
A cute story with some nice touches, but the clumsy writing made this a hard read. I’m not sure if this is someone fairly new to screenplays, or if English isn’t their primary language, but it’s obvious you’ve got a great imagination. You just need to keep practicing to get those great ideas across in a lean yet clearly understandable manner.
Posted by: DarrenJamesSeeley, October 22nd, 2018, 3:15pm; Reply: 10
Lots of early looking and looks. That gets on my bad side quickly.

"and then..." "suddenly..." "then"....If action happens in the moment, then these wors an phrases are redundant.

I'm losing count of how many times Martha's on the phone,
I am so trying to warm up to the garden gnomes from hell, that everytime I do, bland actions from Darcey an Jessy (who have nothing more than basic motor skills apparently) derail it. There's a small bit of a letdown in that "it's all in the imagination" without explaining some of the gnome's actions if that were the case. And why not tie it, then, in a Halloween prank gone wrong? Nobody seems upset that, regardless if the Gnomes came to life or not, that they are destroyed.

And why give me wolves/dogs howling, firworks (?) a scarecrow an a colony of bats under the moonlight? They don't factor in anywhere. I almost expected an owl to hoot.

I like the concept, but not the execution.

(after thought)
oh almost forgot. turn off your title headers.
Posted by: MarkItZero, October 22nd, 2018, 5:52pm; Reply: 11
A fun little story.

Something to work on is being more selective with dialogue. As a very general rule, you want to "show" rather than "tell". See if you can express a line or multiple lines of dialogue through action instead. Oftentimes a glare, a smile, a look doubt, etc can convey just as much.

For example...

Jessy looks around.

JESSY
This place is creepy.

Could be...

Jessy looks around, eyes wide with fright.



As another extremely general rule, consider whether your dialogue is serving a purpose within the scene. Is it moving the story forward, establishing character, building tension?


Most of all, just keep reading and writing lots of scripts.
Posted by: stevemiles, October 22nd, 2018, 7:16pm; Reply: 12
Are we inside the house when we see the Samurai and the running dog or outside?

You’d have to cut a fair bit to make this fit the page limit - could stand to lose the older sister for starters.

There’s something to be said for the idea of two sugar-amped kids freaking out on Halloween and smashing up a bunch of garden gnomes but this was a little too random for my tastes.  Did they just imagine it?  I wasn't sure on this point.  Not sure how the Umbra Spirituum fits in, then again Latin's never been my forte.

Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), October 23rd, 2018, 2:03am; Reply: 13
This is too childish for me to enjoy. I don't understand the title. I Googled so know that it means shadow of the spirits, but I don't understand the implication of it. My little girl might enjoy it. That's not meant as an insult, btw.
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), October 23rd, 2018, 10:38am; Reply: 14
Opening Slug is odd to say the least.  "HOUSE 13"?  What does that mean?

The passage that follows is also poorly written, with run-on sentences.

Missing commas.

Wolves and bats?  Where are we?

Writing is not good throughout.

A Samurai?  Huh?

Dialogue is stilted and OTN.  Very unrealistic.

Why is the title on the top of every page?

"clinched hand" - Huh?  WTF?

The End.  Well, obviously loaded with mistakes and poor writing, but I guess it old be a cute story, if handled properly.  I don't see any creature feature here, nor would this fit into 3 pages of comics...but it could....again, if handled properly.

Not for me...way too immature and poorly written.

Grade - *

Posted by: Spqr, October 23rd, 2018, 11:37am; Reply: 15
Love this story, but it’s a little too long to fit in the allotted pages. But an easy fix, I’m sure.
Posted by: Mr.Ripley, October 23rd, 2018, 11:50am; Reply: 16
Congrats on completing owc.

I would say revise the execution and make this a bit longer. It happens to the best of us when you are trying to rush.

Unfortunately I wasn’t scared. This is more cute than scary.

Hope this helps,

Gabe
Posted by: Philostrate, October 23rd, 2018, 12:55pm; Reply: 17
A cute little tale. Not my cup of tea, but I liked the story. I can see it adapted as a Halloween animated short, but the script needs a good edit and some cleanup. Not sure about how it would fit into a three-page comic however. Good job, writer.
Posted by: khamanna, October 24th, 2018, 3:10pm; Reply: 18
Cute little tale, I really liked it.

Very halloweenie. And in the spirit of this PG horror format requirement.
And I liked the imagery here. There's a lot of it - good for the PG comic too.

Maybe substract some repetitive dialog, add some dialog for the texture - add, substract, the usual deal)
Good luck to you with it.
Posted by: ReneC, October 26th, 2018, 12:08am; Reply: 19
It could be a cute Halloween story for kids, but for the OWC I think it missed the mark. There’s little tension, I didn’t feel like the kids were ever really in danger. The gnomes being a monster was a stretch, and the scarecrow never really came into play. I was most worried about the candy they got from that house, but the longline set something up that never happened. Too many beats slowed down a piece that didn’t have a lot to begin with, and I was often confused about the geography of the locations.

Still, it could work with a hefty rewrite and more focus on the kids vs. garden gnomes, but what are the gnomes after? What is their motivation? That would have helped to know.

Good effort, congrats on getting an entry in.
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