Case of the Banzai Banshee by ? - Short, Horror, Noir - A private detective's investigation of a missing daughter leads to murder and a battle with a vampire. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Nice Noiry atmosphere but the story fell a little flat for me. It was a very standard vampire romp.

Very corny. I have to admit that I laughed out load at "OW!" So the parents knew she was a vampire? All kind of weird.

This was not for me at all. A lot of unnatural dialog, especially the ending.

I'm a little puzzled on your titie- combining a Japanese war cry with a 'banshee' which is Irish, and doesn't usually refer to a vampire.

I'm also in the dark regarding the references to 'a drizzly marine layer', 'marine layer dampens the streets', and 'marine layer continues'.

Is it just raining? Are we at the docks? Why do you open CITY INDUSTRIAL DISTRICT and describe empty warehouses, razor wire, and fences, and then your man repeats the Slugline in his V.O.? If you're going with a narrator style for the comic in the vein of hard-boiled detectives like Marlowe and Spade we really need to hear more of that voice. At the very least it calls for a top n tail.

I like the noir feel and the exotic location but the very linear/no surprises plot and ending left me wanting.

Btw, you have an equals sign instead of a dash/hyphen on page 6, and some odd phrasing which I won't detail at this point for fear of overkill like I did on another script.

Would it visually be stunning as a comic strip - yes, with the locales and characters you've chosen, but like I said, it's a little light in the twist Dept for me.

Your logline should tease, intrigue but otherwise not give away too much.

A private detective's investigation of a missing daughter leads to murder and a battle with a vampire.
I know exactly what to expect with that logline so you need to surprise me in some way.

A hired gumshoe investigating a murder and missing person case comes face to face with his own mortality.
Or ' ... leads to a life and death battle/showdown?

You can mention vampire if you want but 'missing daughter' should be missing person imho.

One more thing:
She raises her claws and bares her
fangs like a predator ready to pounce. SCREECH!

It's a much more powerful line and visual if you leave the word 'like' out.

She raises her claws and bares her
fangs. A predator ready to pounce.
SCREECH!

Right away I'm not a big fan of the opening scene with  Fujioki and Lou. I can understand if it was a phone conversation, but not an in person meet and greet.

Quoted Text LOU Tell me more about your daughter. MR. FUJIOKI Come to my bar and grill. Please. You’ve got to hurry. My wife and I are so worried.

I highlighted the problem area. See,  Fujioki has a sense of urgency. So why would he delay information? He's right there, and the question isn't a difficult one.

METCALF isn't CAPPED on intro. Written as a cliche. Talks like one too.
A homicide has taken place and he calls it "suspicious" . I also made a note of it that there should be other officers around, and that  Fujioki and his wife apparently aren't questioned by the police.   Metcalf is never seen again, so what's the point of the character? His last line I first read as a jest, ut once the flashback  :B happened, I wondered if vampires are a thing and vampire attacks happen on a regular basis. At least I think that's where you're getting at.
Getting back to the scene previous--if the family knows that their daughter is a vampire and this is the world,  Lou could be a "specialist" in this area  ;D  and they want the daughter found and killed before she can kill or hurt others, including them. Just a thought. Maybe...

This whole yarn feels a bit too contrived for my tastes.

Last half of this feels rushed, and why does the daughter bare fangs while driving in the rain?
Who's Connie?

I won't add to the odd phrases and descriptions that were already pointed out, but I will say I did enjoy the noir/anime feel of this. It does feel rushed though and, as already stated, the writing needs work. A standard detective case, nothing more, nothing less, but there's some nice comic book imagery here.

I think what you did well is making this feel like noir piece.

It really ends there for me. I could get a handle on the tone you were going for as a lot of it comes off quite comedic.

Lots of stuff just happens for no apparent reason, and the dialogue is unnatural.

This would potentially look good if illustrated but the story is too simple and unoriginal.

I was thrown right from the start.

"Tell me about your daughter." "Come to my bar." Or, you could just tell him about your daughter... since its urgent.

Several lines made me laugh. "Ow!" and "Tarnished silver!" Very comical. But, the rest didn't have that same feel. So, it made me question their place. Were you trying to be funny? Or, was it poorly written? I'm not sure.

You don't want the reader trying to guess your intent on tone. It should be obvious.

I counted 10 references to rain/water/marine layer in 6 pages. Gotta give the reader more credit than that.

Love that you went for the noir/vampire combo. Disappointed that the script fell short, but kudos for going for it!

I think if you just went for a full on comedy with this, it would work better. As it is it's not a horror or intentionally funny but it has funny moments. The Detective doesn't do any detecting, everything just happens to him. A private detective vampire killer has potential but this didn't work for me, sorry.

I think you need another twist at the end here or something. The end felt flat to me.

This is in no way PG-13. Pool of blood etc. I don't know.

But I loved it when she screamed Bamzai! This was laugh out loud moment for me. I wish you had more of it throughout.

Slugs aren't looking good right out of the gate.

When you have VO, it helps to know to it's coming from, but Lou (or Louis) isn't intro'd until numerous lines later.

The dialogue exchange on page 1 is very poor.  Almost reads/sounds like a pisser is about to raise its ugly head.

Wow, I'm clueless as to if this is supposed to be serious or taking the piss.  If it's a serious attempt, it's an utter fail.  If it's a pisser, it's not funny enough.

OK, no more detailed comments.  This is really bad, sorry to say.  Title and logline really have nothing to do with what this turns out to be.  It's so goofy and unrealistic.  No story here, no nothing, really.  I doubt it's a full on pisser, but it could easily be rewritten as one.

Grade - No Stars

I struggled with this one.

A lot on dialogue is on the nose and i'm not sure if this a comedy or horror it  appears to jump  back and forth.

Didn't really work for me as comic strip

Good job on entering

Catchy title, interesting logline.

Could you not start with Lou at the bar and grill?  Feels like you’re wasting space on that intro.

‘...fight off the slugs…’ odd phrasing.  Got to be a better way to describe the action.

Does Lou need to be a private detective?  What part do his detection skills play in this?

I like the noir angle - could be interesting from an artwork point of view, but a detective who does no detecting at the centre of the story puts you at a disadvantage.

It’s suggested - but never clarified - that vampires are part of the everyday.  To that end, I’m not sure how much Lou understands what he’s up against.  Plenty of comic book action, but it needs a bit more world building and I’m not sure the space restraints will help.

This was a decent vampire killer story, but would a cross kill a Japanese ninja vampire? And wasn’t it a little too convenient finding a suitable cross just when you needed it? This was another story that is too long for the allotted space, and, to my mind, anyway, doesn’t fit the definition of a “creature feature.”

Congrats on completing owc.

I dig the concept but you definitely need to extend this to handle the mystery aspect.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

I got the noir feel.  But I feel the script needs some work to tidy up.  A lot of people could be introduced in capitals for example.  Also, you don't need an equals symbol in the slug.

The story itself is okay.  It felt like it went very quickly without no real investigation.  The real mystery was how the daughter randomly appeared from nowhere as if she was peaking through a crack in the door waiting to jump out.

Good job submitting for the OWC.

This one didn't work for me but made me laugh a few times.

The noir feel is there, and I liked it, but there's no suspense and the detective doesn't do detecting, things just... happen.

Congrats for completing owc, though. That's an accomplishment in itself.